88. A Rebirth
Yang Zheng Heilongjiang Province
I was born into an impoverished rural family that was backward in their thinking. I was vain from a young age and my desire for status was particularly strong. Over time, through the social influence and a traditional education, I took all sorts of Satan’s rules for survival into my heart. All kinds of fallacies nurtured my desire for reputation and status, such as building a beautiful homeland with your own two hands, fame will make you immortal, people need face like a tree needs its bark, getting ahead and being on top, one should bring honor to his ancestors, etc. These gradually became my life and made me firmly believe that as long as we are living in this world, we have to work to be seen highly by others. No matter what crowd we are with we must have status, we should be the most outstanding one. Only through living this way can we have integrity and dignity. Only living a life this way has value. In order to achieve my dream, I studied very diligently in elementary school; through storms and sickness, I never missed class. Day by day, I finally made it to middle school that way. When I saw that I was getting closer and closer to my dream I didn’t dare slack off. I frequently told myself that I had to persevere, that I had to present myself well to my teachers and classmates. However, just then, something unexpected happened. There was a scandal about our head teacher and the principal of the school that caused an uproar. All the teachers and students knew about it. One day in class, that teacher asked us if we had heard about it and all the other students said “No.” I was the only one who honestly replied “I heard.” From that time on, that teacher saw me as a thorn in her side and would frequently find excuses to make things difficult for me, to crack down on me. My classmates started to keep their distance from me and exclude me. They made fun of me and humiliated me. Finally, I was no longer able to tolerate that kind of torment and I dropped out of school. That was how my dream of getting ahead and being on top was crushed. Thinking of my future days with my face to the earth and back to the sky, I felt an inexpressible sadness and melancholy. I thought: Can it be that my life will be passed so unremarkably? No status, no prestige, no future. What’s the point of living like this? I really wasn’t willing to accept that fact at that time but I was helpless to change my circumstances. Just as I was living in pain and hopelessness that I wasn’t able to extricate myself from, Almighty God saved me and reignited the hope in my heart that had been extinguished. From then I began a whole new life.
It was March 1999, and from a fortuitous opportunity I heard the gospel of the last days of Almighty God. I learned that God incarnate had come to earth and He Himself was speaking to and leading mankind to save us from the domain of Satan, to allow us to cast off our lives of being in pain, of being fallen, to live in a new heaven and earth. And from the patient and painstaking fellowship from my brothers and sisters, I heard many truths that I had never heard of before, such as: God’s six-thousand-year management plan, the mystery of God becoming flesh, that corrupt people need the salvation of God incarnate, what kind of sense creations should possess, how to worship the Lord of all creation, how to live out your proper humanity, what truly is a human life…. I was profoundly drawn in by these truths and they made me firmly believe that this was the work of the true God. That day my brothers and sisters also sang a song of life experience, “Thinking of the Bitter Past and the Sweetness of the Present, I love God Even More”: “Oh practical God! I beg You to hear my story. I cry when I think of the past; my heart was dark and without light; my life was without hope, I could not speak of the suffering in my life, I could only helplessly pass the days. How could it not cause my heart misery? Oh practical God! Listen to me, thinking of the past, my heart is in pain. It was Satan the devil harming me, making me corrupt and fallen. Your words illuminated me and led me out of the darkness. Oh true God! Oh true God! I love You from within my heart.” This lit up my soul which had long been in darkness like a ray of light, and I could not help but burst into tears. Many years of repression, injustices, and sadness seemed to suddenly be released. My heart felt much lighter. Aside from this excitement, I was even more grateful to God for selecting me from among millions of people, allowing my tired, sad soul to find a warm haven. From then my life changed radically. I was no longer disconsolate and dispirited, but I put my whole mind to reading the word of God, going to meetings, and fellowship on the truth. Every day was full and happy. Later I was lifted up by God and began to perform the duty of preaching the gospel. Because I was quite enthusiastic and positive as well as the fact that I was of a certain caliber, after a period of time my work was really bearing fruit. I gained the praise of my evangelical team leader, and the brothers and sisters in the church also looked up to me. They would always come ask me about things they didn’t understand about preaching the gospel. Without realizing it I started to become a little self-satisfied, and I thought: I have so quickly gained in the church the reputation and status I hoped for in the world for so many years. My “hero” side has finally found its place! Seeing my accomplishments I felt very fulfilled and I worked even harder to fulfill my duty. No matter how great of a difficulty I faced, I would do my utmost to overcome it. No matter what the church arranged for me to do, I willingly obeyed and did my best to complete it. At times the church leader dealt with me and pruned aspects of me because I hadn’t performed my duty well. No matter how upset I was, on the surface I wouldn’t make excuses for myself. Although I suffered quite a bit during this period of time, as long as I had status among my brothers and sisters and was looked up to by them, I felt that it was very much worth paying this price. But God can see into every part of people. In order to transform my erroneous views on human life and values, in order to cleanse the impurities in my belief in God and performing my duty, God carried out judgment and chastisement as well as trials and refinement on me.
That was 2003, when I was promoted to act as our evangelical team leader. Along with this elevation in my status my scope of work was also expanded, and I felt even more pleased with myself: The gold shines everywhere. I am determined to do my job well and steadily ascend so that my brothers and sisters would envy and adore me more. That would be so wonderful! When I arrived where I was to perform my duty, the leader took into consideration that I had just taken on this type of work and I was lacking both experience and methodology, so gathered together several other evangelical team leaders from nearby areas so that we could learn from each other. But over the course of fellowship, I saw that they were all older than I was and that they were of a lower caliber. When in fellowship on God’s words they also didn’t communicate as clearly as I did. I couldn’t help but become arrogant and I didn’t think anything of them at all. I felt that I would certainly be able to do a good job relying on my own strength. After meeting I immediately went to every team to gain an understanding of their work. When I discovered some errors and omissions in their work and that some of the team members were unable to preach the gospel and bear witness for God, I was both anxious and angry. I couldn’t help but scold my brothers and sisters: “Can fulfilling your duty this way really be in line with God’s will? You don’t want to pay a price but you want to be saved by God. Does this kind of person have any sense? …” And sometimes during fellowship I would show off, telling everyone how I had participated in evangelical work, all about the results I had had. When I saw envy on the faces of my brothers and sisters, I was very smug and felt that I was more responsible than others. Over time, my brothers and sisters would always discuss any issues with me and no longer focused on praying to God or relying on Him. And not only did I not feel afraid, but I enjoyed it. Finally, I entirely lost hold of the work of the Holy Spirit and I truly could no longer work. In early 2004 the church removed me from my duties and had me return home for spiritual reflection. Faced with this outcome, it was as though I very quickly fell into a bottomless pit. My entire body was limp and weak from an intense feeling of frustration, and I couldn’t help but think: It was so wonderful when I first started performing my duty. And now, going back in such disgrace, how can I face my family and the brothers and sisters in my hometown? What will they think of me? Will they make fun of me, look down on me? As soon as I thought of losing my image and status in other people’s minds I felt like I was about to fall apart. I was living in negativity that I couldn’t extricate myself from and I couldn’t even continue reading God’s words. In the midst of this agony, I couldn’t not pray to God: “Oh God! I have become so weak now and my spirit is in darkness because I am unable to accept the fact that I was replaced. I’m also unwilling to obey the church’s arrangements but I know that everything You do is good and contains Your benevolent will. I am willing to be enlightened by You and understand Your will.” After praying, these words of God brought me enlightenment: “In your seeking, you have too many individual notions, hopes, and futures. The current work is in order to deal with your desire for status and your extravagant desires. The hopes, the desire for[a] status, and the notions are all classic representations of satanic disposition. … Although you have gotten to this step today, you still have not let go of status, but are always struggling to ‘inquire about’ it and observing it daily, with a deep fear that one day your status will be lost and your name will be ruined. … You are now followers, and you have some understanding of this stage of work. However, you have still not put aside your desire for status. When your status is high you seek well, but when your status is low you no longer seek. The blessings of status are always on your mind. Why is it that the majority of people can’t get out of negativity? Isn’t it always because of ‘bleak’ prospects?” (“Why Aren’t You Willing to Be a Foil?” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). The judgment revealed in God’s words gave me a rude awakening, and made me understand that God’s work at that time was to deal with my desire for status, to have me step onto the proper path in life. Thinking back on the time since I had started performing my duty, I was very positive during the times I had status. I was extremely confident and did not fear suffering or hardships. When I was faced with someone dealing with me or pruning aspects of me I did not resist it. But then, after I was let go and had to return home I could not climb back out of my negativity. I saw that from the outside it seemed that I had been fulfilling my duty and was carrying out God’s will, but in actuality I was waving the flag of fulfilling my duty while managing things myself. It was entirely using God to satisfy my own desires that had been hidden for many years—to get ahead and to be seen highly. And it wasn’t to pursue the truth and it was even less to fulfill the duty of a creature to satisfy God. When I was performing my duty and I saw the inadequacies of my brothers and sisters, not only did I not help them out of love, but I relied on my status to scold them. I purposely elevated myself, stood as a witness for myself, and I was anxious for everyone to look up to me and adore me. From the beginning to the end, I had just one goal in my thoughts and actions—wasn’t this to blatantly compete with God for status? Mankind was created by God, so we should worship and look up to Him. Our hearts should only contain the status of God, but I was a filthy and corrupt, lowly person who wanted to compete for status with God. Isn’t this terribly arrogant? Isn’t this outrageous and contrary to God? Isn’t this behavior a serious offense of God’s disposition? When I thought of that, I couldn’t help but tremble with fear at my own arrogant nature. It turned out that I was already in that dangerous situation of being subject to God’s punishment! God’s disposition is righteous and holy and does not tolerate mankind’s offenses. How could He tolerate allowing me, this rebellious child, to wantonly disturb and upset His work? Only then did I realize that my being let go was God’s great tolerance and great love. Otherwise, I would have done more and greater evil to the point that He was unable to forgive me. Then it would be too late. The more I thought about it the more scared I was, and the more I felt that I was too indebted to God. I couldn’t help but prostrate myself in front of Him and pray: “Oh God! My nature is too arrogant, too superficial. I haven’t pursued the truth while fulfilling my duty, and I haven’t thought of repaying Your love. I was busy running to and fro for the sake of reputation and status, and I set my heart on getting ahead in the church, so how could I not stumble and fall in the course of fulfilling my duty with that kind of intention? If Your judgment and chastisement, and Your dealing and pruning had not come upon me in time, I certainly would have continued along the path of an enemy of Christ. In the end I would have ruined my chance for salvation. Oh God! I give thanks for Your mercy and Your salvation of me. From this day forward, I am willing to let go of my ambitious desires and pursue the truth, and accept more of Your judgment and chastisement, to attain change in my corrupt disposition soon.” God’s enlightenment and guidance led me out of my negativity and allowed me to have some recognition of my own arrogant nature and essence of resisting God. I also gained some understanding of God’s righteous disposition, and I felt a great release in my heart. I was also willing to continue to seek the truth in whatever environment God sets up for me, and to more deeply understand His will.
In my pursuits after that, I saw words from God which said: “I decide the destination of each man not on the basis of age, seniority, amount of suffering, or least of all, the degree of misery, but on whether they possess truth. There is no other choice but this. You must realize that all those who do not follow the will of God will be punished. This is an immutable fact” (“You Ought to Do Enough Good Deeds to Prepare for Your Destination” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). “As a creature of God, man should seek to perform the duty of a creature of God, and seek to love God without making other choices, for God is worthy of man’s love. Those who seek to love God should not seek any personal benefits or that which they personally long for; this is the most correct means of pursuit” (“Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). God’s words had already told people perfectly clearly and understandably what His will and requirements were so that mankind could understand a proper way of pursuit and what the wrong path is. At that time I placed reputation and status above everything, but in reality, God did not look at how high someone’s status was, what kind of seniority they had, or how much they had suffered for their belief in God. He looked at whether or not they pursued the truth and had a genuine understanding of God. Those with the truth but without a high status can also gain His praise, but those without the truth and with a high status are those that God detests and rejects. This is God’s disposition of righteousness and holiness. Status cannot determine a person’s fate, nor is it a symbol of someone’s salvation in their belief in God. It particularly is not a mark of someone having been perfected by God. But I had always used my status to measure my own worth and my greatest pleasure had been being looked up to and adored by others. Wasn’t this entirely counter to God’s requirements? Wasn’t believing in God this way completely futile? Not only would I have been unable to be saved by God, but in the end I would have suffered God’s punishment due to my evil ways. At that time, what God had entrusted me with was to allow me to enter into the truth, to be able to pursue a change in disposition, pursue obedience to and love of God, and in the end to be saved and perfected by Him. Only this was the proper path. After understanding all of this, my heart was full of gratitude toward God. Thanks to His judgment and chastisement that pulled me back from the wrong path and enlightened me so I could understand His will, allowing me to finally see clearly the danger and consequences of pursuing reputation and status. Only then was I able to wake up and turn back in time. Through that experience I understood some truths as well as God’s benevolence, and my state of mind recovered once again. I threw myself into fulfilling my duty again.
In July of 2004 I went to a remote area in the mountains and cooperated with a brother there on the work of the gospel. When I started that work, I kept in mind my previous failures as lessons. I frequently reminded myself not to pursue reputation or status but to honestly fulfill my duty as a creation, so when there were issues I didn’t understand or wasn’t clear on, I would put myself aside and actively seek out my brother for fellowship, to discuss and resolve it. But as my work bore more and more fruit, my arrogant nature once again reared its head and I started to focus on my own image and status again. During a meeting one time, a member of the local evangelical team said to me happily: “Thanks to you coming here we’ve converted more believers….” My mouth said that this was the result of the work of the Holy Spirit, but in my heart I was very pleased with myself. After the meeting was over and I returned to my host family home, I sat on my bed and replayed in my mind every scene of my work during that time. I couldn’t help but become self-congratulatory, thinking: It seems I have true capability in this work. As long as I continue to work hard, I can certainly be promoted again. I saw myself then entirely as a hero, and God’s status was already gone from my heart. When performing my duty after that, I started to compete for status and compare positions with my co-workers. I started to blatantly show off in front of my brothers and sisters as if any results from our work were all because of my efforts. Just as I was sliding back into the abyss one step at a time, God once again extended a hand of salvation to me. One evening I suddenly came down with a serious flu. My temperature reached 102 degrees and even after taking medicine for several days I wasn’t getting any better. I went to the hospital to get an infusion, but my condition not only didn’t improve but became more serious. I couldn’t keep anything down, not even water. Finally, I was bed-ridden and felt as if I was on the verge of death. Under the torture of that illness, I no longer thought of what kind of status I would have the next day. I quickly knelt down and prayed to God: “Oh God! This illness coming upon me is Your benevolent will as well as Your righteous disposition. I do not want to misunderstand You or blame You; I only beg You to once again enlighten and illuminate me, to allow me to understand Your will so that I can more deeply understand my own corruption.” After praying, my heart was much more at peace. Just then, these words of God suddenly came upon me: “Your haughty and arrogant nature drives you to betray your own conscience, to rebel against and resist Christ, and to reveal your ugliness, thereby exposing to the light your intentions, notions, excessive desires, and eyes full of greed” (“Are You a True Believer of God?” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Every one of these words from God pierced my heart like a sword; they struck at my mortal spot. Every single type of ugliness of arrogance that I had revealed came into my mind with great clarity. My heart was in pain and I was immeasurably embarrassed and ashamed. It was then that I clearly saw that it was my own arrogant nature that caused my conscience to lose its original function so that I wasn’t always able to honestly obey and worship God. This caused me to always harbor ambition and desire, and as soon as I got some opportunity I would compete for status, and I wanted to show myself off and suppress others. I couldn’t just be a well-behaved person. It was clear that any fruits of my work depended on the work of the Holy Spirit; it was God’s blessing. However, I would shamelessly compete with God for the credit and exploit the opportunity to lift myself up, once again becoming arrogant and competing with God for status. This arrogant nature of mine was precisely the root of my resistance to God. If I didn’t resolve it, I would never achieve obedience to God or devotion to fulfilling my duty.
Under God’s guidance, I once again thought of His words: “When one recognizes what his true nature is, how ugly, how despicable, and how pitiful, then he is not too proud of himself, not so wildly arrogant, and not so pleased with himself as he was before. He feels, ‘I must be earnest and down to earth, and practice some of God’s word. If not, I will not measure up to the standard of being human, and will be ashamed to live in God’s presence.’ He truly sees himself as paltry, as truly insignificant. At this time it is easy for him to carry out truth, and he looks more like a human being” (“Knowing Oneself Is Mainly Knowing Human Nature” in Records of Christ’s Talks). God’s words pointed out for me the path of practice and entering in, and that if I wanted to thoroughly let go of my thoughts of reputation, status, and my prospects, I had to put effort into knowing my own nature. When I could truly see how lowly, how useless I was, I would be able to become a low-key person and no longer be arrogant. Then, I would be able to pursue the truth with my two feet firmly on the ground. In actuality, God administering this judgment and chastisement, this blow and discipline, was for me to have a true understanding of my own essence and my inherent identity and status. It was to allow me to have self-knowledge in front of God, to recognize my own poverty of spirit, my own nothingness. It was to allow me to know that what I needed was the truth, God’s salvation, from which I could fall down in front of God and be a well-behaved person. It was so that I could fulfill my duty to satisfy God and no longer pursue status, hurting His heart. Under the guidance of His words I had a way forward as well as the confidence to pursue the truth. Even though I had been deeply corrupted by Satan and my arrogant nature was deeply entrenched, as long as I was able to accept and obey God’s judgment and chastisement and His trial and refinement, from that recognize my own nature and essence, and then tirelessly pursue the truth, I would certainly be able to cast off the bonds and the suffering of reputation and status, and enter the path of being saved, of being perfected. After I turned back to God, I recovered from my illness within two days. This even more made me realize that He had used that illness as a way to discipline me. It was not to intentionally make me suffer, neither was there any punishment in it—it was to awaken my numb heart, to have me let go of my erroneous pursuits as soon as possible and step onto the right path of believing in God. I was deeply moved and galvanized by God’s love. I sincerely offered up my thanks and praise to God.
After I recovered from my illness I once again threw myself into work. I quietly resolved in my heart that when I encountered something having to do with reputation or status, I would certainly stand witness for God. Several months later, I learned that another evangelical team leader was obtaining very good results and had experienced some wondrous actions of God, and had summarized some of their successful experiences and their path of practice. However, the work I was participating in was on the decline. When I saw the disappointment on the faces of my brothers and sisters, particularly when I heard a sister say “We now enjoy such great salvation from God but we are unable to bear witness for His work. We are truly indebted to Him,” and everyone couldn’t stop themselves from crying, my heart was very much in pain. I didn’t know how to get out of that predicament, and I repeatedly prayed to God: “Oh God! We are all weak when faced with practical difficulties, but I know that this is You trying our confidence, testing our devotion. But my stature is too small and I cannot really bear that weight. I beg You to enlighten me to understand Your will. I am willing to act according to Your guidance.” After praying, a thought suddenly occurred to me: I should ask the co-worker there to come meet with us in fellowship so that we can draw on some of his strengths and experiences. That way the brothers and sisters will also be able to enjoy the enlightenment and leading of the Holy Spirit and know how to do their work of the gospel. I knew that this idea came from the guidance of the Holy Spirit, but I still had some misgivings in my heart. I thought: I used to be more capable than that brother in every way and when we were in meetings together I always looked down on him, but now, his performance is better than mine. When he sees me looking desperate and embarrassed now, will he laugh at me? Will the brothers and sisters look down on me? What about saving my face? … I thought and thought, and I still couldn’t let go of the idea of my own face and status, but as soon as I thought of God’s urgent will to save mankind and that my brothers and sisters didn’t have the guidance and leadership of the Holy Spirit, I was chastised within my heart. Just as I was wavering, these words from God enlightened me: “The Holy Spirit not only works in certain men who are used by God, but even more in the church. He could be working in anyone. He may work in you now, and after you have experienced it, He may work in someone else next. Follow closely; the more you follow the present light, the more your life can grow. Follow those whom the Holy Spirit works in, whatever kind of man he may be. Take in his experiences through your own, and you will receive even higher things. In so doing you will see growth more quickly. This is the path of perfection for man and a way through which life grows. The path to perfection is reached through your obedience to the work of the Holy Spirit. You do not know through what kind of person God will work to perfect you, nor through what person, occurrence, or thing He will bring you profit and enable you to gain some insight” (“The Truly Obedient Shall Surely Be Gained by God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Under the leadership from God’s words I understood His will and gained some understanding of how to lead and perfect people in the work of the Holy Spirit. I realized: God’s work and God’s wisdom are marvelous and mysterious. I don’t know through what type of person or thing He will enlighten and guide me to understand His will, nor do I know through what type of environment He will deal with my corrupt disposition. I must learn to obey the work of the Holy Spirit, and no matter how high or low someone’s status is, what their age is, or how long they have believed in God, as long as their fellowship is the truth, it is God’s current will, and it can point out the practical path, that comes from the work and the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. I must accept, obey, and practice—this is the human reason I must possess. If I don’t obey the work of the Holy Spirit, then I’m willing to allow my work to be compromised in order to maintain my own vanity. I’m willing to allow my brothers and sisters to live in darkness in order to maintain my own image and status. In that case, I am a true evil servant and an antichrist! When I realized that, I couldn’t help but feel afraid and I didn’t dare to once again be obstinate and go against the enlightenment and guidance of the Holy Spirit. I was willing to forsake my own satanic nature and comfort God’s heart through practical actions. So, I immediately called that co-worker and asked him to come communicate with us. What made me feel ashamed was that after we met in person, that brother didn’t remotely look down on me or laugh at me. He very genuinely shared in fellowship how they had worked together while the Holy Spirit worked among them, and how they relied on God and prayed to God when they encountered setbacks and failures, what actions they had seen from God after that, what kinds of true understanding they had gained about God, and more. Seeing my brother’s relaxed and joyful appearance, then seeing that my brothers and sisters appeared to be listening intently and with relish, then seeing smiles gradually appear on their faces, I felt an acute pain as if I were heartbroken. However, this time it wasn’t for the sake of satisfying my own face or status, but because I was rebuked in my heart due to my indebtedness to God. Because of this, I sincerely experienced the responsibility and the duty shouldered by a good leader. If the road I personally take is not correct, it will harm and ruin the lives of so many people. It will bring spiritual suffering to so many people. In that case, have I not become a main culprit of resisting God? When God’s work has been completed, how should I give account to Him? It was at that time that I finally truly detested myself from within my heart. I hated that in the past while performing my duty I had not engaged honestly in my work but had only thought of pursuing reputation and status and reveling in the blessings of status. Not only did it interfere with my brothers’ and sisters’ entries into life, but even more it interfered with carrying out God’s will. I had also frequently lost hold of the work of the Holy Spirit and fallen into darkness. I saw that pursuing reputation and status did so much more harm than good. But while I was feeling guilt and regret, I also felt a shred of relief. This was because, under God’s leadership, I had finally let go of personal benefit to put the truth into practice this one time. I had done something that was beneficial for the work, for my brothers and sisters, and for myself. I had shamed Satan through practical actions and stood as a witness for God this time.
In my experience of the work of God and because of my pursuit of reputation and status, I had suffered many setbacks and failures. I had taken many detours, and because of this had undergone being dealt with and refined. Gradually, I saw status as much less important, and what I had believed before—without status there was no future and no one would look up to you—this misguided perspective was turned around. I have now followed God for 15 years. Every time I think of God’s work on me, there is always a sweet feeling that comes over me. I will never be able to forget God’s love and salvation for me. If it hadn’t been for God designing my environment and dealing with my ambitious desires in the early stages of my life, how would I have been willing to let go of the faith that I had been living by for many years and that had become my life? If it hadn’t been for God’s salvation coming upon me in time, I would still be living according to Satan’s poisons and laws, and frittering away my life for the sake of a dream that could never be realized. And if it hadn’t been for God’s repeated revelations and refinements, I would still be charging forward on the wrong path and I would never become aware of how serious my own vanity is and how powerful my desire for status is. I particularly would not have realized that I am the enemy of God. It was God’s remarkable work that made possible that earth-shattering change in my life, that allowed my vulgar beliefs that I had defended for so many years to dissolve through those ups and downs, to disappear with the passing of time. It allowed my erroneous values and perspectives on life to undergo substantive change, and it allowed me to understand that only pursuing the truth and fulfilling the duty of a creation is a true human life, and that only through casting off Satan’s dark influence and living based on God’s words can I live with meaning and with value. It is entirely the fruit of God’s judgment and chastisement that I am able to have the understanding and changes that I have today. Although undergoing God’s judgment and chastisement required me to undergo the pain of refinement, I have gained some understanding of God’s practical work, of His benevolent essence, and of His disposition of righteousness and holiness. I am now able to clearly see, detest, and throw off Satan’s poisons which harmed me for many years, and I am able to have a true human life. None of this was suffered in vain. It was the most meaningful, the most valuable thing. On the path from today forward, I am willing to accept more of the judgment and chastisement, and the trials and refinement coming from God so that every type of my corrupt disposition can be purified soon, and I can become someone who is in line with God’s will.
a. The original text omits “the desire for.”