84. A Rebirth
By Yang Zheng, Heilongjiang Province
I was born into an impoverished rural family that was backward in their thinking. I was vain from a young age and my desire for status was particularly strong. Over time, through the influence of social environment and the education of traditional culture, I took all sorts of Satan’s rules for survival into my heart. All kinds of fallacies nurtured my desire for fame, gain and status, such as “Fame will make you immortal,” “Get ahead and bring honor to your ancestors,” “People need face like a tree needs its bark,” “Be the top dog,” and “Build a beautiful home with your own two hands.” These gradually became my life and made me firmly believe that as long as we are living in this world, we have to work to be seen highly by others. No matter what crowd we are with we must have status, we should be the most outstanding one. Only through living this way can we have integrity and dignity. Only living a life this way has value. In order to realize my desire to get ahead, I studied very diligently ever since I was in elementary school; through storms and sickness, I never missed class. Day by day, I finally made it to middle school that way. When I saw that I was getting closer and closer to my dream I didn’t dare slack off. I frequently told myself that I had to persevere, that I had to present myself well to my teachers and classmates. However, just then, something unexpected happened. There was a scandal about our head teacher and the principal of the school that caused an uproar. All the teachers and students knew about it. One day in class, that teacher asked us if we had heard about it and all the other students said “No.” I was the only one who honestly replied “I heard.” From that time on, that teacher saw me as a thorn in her side and would frequently find excuses to make things difficult for me, to crack down on me. My classmates started to keep their distance from me and exclude me. They made fun of me and humiliated me. Finally, I was no longer able to tolerate that kind of torment and I dropped out of school. The dream I’d yearned to realize of getting ahead and being the top dog was crushed. Thinking of my future days with my face to the earth and back to the sky, I felt an inexpressible sadness and melancholy. I thought: “Can it be that my life will be passed so unremarkably? No status, no prestige, no future. What’s the point of living like this?” I really wasn’t willing to accept that fact at that time but I was helpless to change my circumstances. Just as I was living in pain and hopelessness that I wasn’t able to extricate myself from, Almighty God’s salvation came upon me and reignited the hope in my heart that had been extinguished. From then on, I began a whole new life.
It was March 1999, and from a fortuitous opportunity I heard the gospel of the last days of Almighty God. I learned that God incarnate had come to earth to personally express the truth to judge and purify mankind, and to lead mankind out of the domain of Satan, so that they could cast off their lives of pain and degradation, and live free and liberated. And from the patient and painstaking fellowship from my brothers and sisters, I knew many truths that I had never heard of before, such as: God’s six-thousand-year management plan, the mystery of God becoming flesh, that corrupt people need the salvation of God incarnate, what kind of sense creations should possess, how to worship the Lord of all creation, how to live out proper humanity, and what truly is a human life. I was profoundly drawn in by these truths and they made me firmly believe that this was the work of the true God. My brothers and sisters also sang a hymn “God Loves Us Most Deeply”: “Almighty God, I confide in You. Thinking back to how I wandered through the world, I deeply feel people’s fickleness and indifference. I struggled and groped about in darkness. Life’s suffering is without end; washing my face with tears, I languished through the years. Devoid of hope, I could only live helplessly, in despair. Almighty God, You love us most deeply. Your words awaken me. I finally come back to You and cast away my painful life. Your words illuminate me, I see a bright life. I enjoy Your words and live in Your presence, my heart is filled with peace and joy” (Follow the Lamb and Sing New Songs). This lit up my soul which had long been in darkness like a ray of light, and I could not help but burst into tears. Many years of repression, injustices, and sadness seemed to suddenly be released. My heart felt much lighter. Aside from this excitement, I was even more grateful to God for selecting me and allowing my tired, sad soul to find a warm haven. From then on, my life changed radically. I was no longer disconsolate and dispirited, but I put my whole mind to reading the word of God, going to meetings, and fellowshiping on the truth. Every day was full and happy.
Later I began to perform the duty of preaching the gospel in the church. Because I was quite enthusiastic and positive as well as the fact that I was of a certain caliber, my work was bearing some fruit. I gained the praise of my gospel group leader, and the brothers and sisters in the church also looked up to me. They would always come ask me to fellowship about and resolve things they didn’t understand about preaching the gospel. Without realizing it I started to become a little self-satisfied, and I thought: “I have so quickly gained in the church the reputation and status I hoped for in the world for so many years. My ‘hero’ side has finally found its place!” Seeing my “accomplishments,” I felt very fulfilled. From then on, I performed my duty even harder. No matter what duty the church arranged for me, I would obey and accomplish it to the best of my ability; no matter how great of a difficulty I faced in my duty, I would do my utmost to overcome it, and would never complain of any hardship. At times the church leader pruned and dealt with me because I hadn’t performed my duty well. No matter how upset I was, on the surface I wouldn’t make excuses for myself. Although I suffered quite a bit during this period of time, I thought that as long as I had status among my brothers and sisters and was looked up to by them, it was very much worth paying this price.
That was 2003, when I was elected as our gospel group leader. Along with this elevation in my status my scope of work was also expanded, and I felt even more pleased with myself, thinking: The gold shines everywhere. I must do my job well and steadily ascend so that my brothers and sisters would definitely admire and adore me more. That would be so wonderful! When I arrived where I was to perform my duty, the leader took into consideration that I had just taken on this work and I was lacking both experience and methodology, so gathered together several other gospel group leaders from nearby areas so that we could learn from each other. But over the course of fellowship, I saw that they were all older than I was and that they were of a lower caliber. When fellowshiping about God’s words they also didn’t communicate as clearly as I did. I couldn’t help but become arrogant and I didn’t think anything of them at all. I felt that I would certainly be able to do a good job relying on my own strength. After meeting I immediately went to every group to gain an understanding of their work. When I discovered some errors and omissions in their work and that some of them were unable to preach the gospel and bear witness for God, I was both anxious and angry. I couldn’t help but scold my brothers and sisters: “Can fulfilling your duty this way really be in line with God’s will? You don’t want to pay a price but you want to be saved by God. Do you have any sense? …” And sometimes during fellowship I would show off, telling everyone how I had done the gospel work, how much of a price I had paid, and how good the results were that I had achieved…. When I saw envy on the faces of my brothers and sisters, I was very smug and felt that I was more capable than others. Over time, my brothers and sisters would always discuss any issues with me and no longer focused on praying to God or relying on Him. But I didn’t realize that I’d already embarked upon the wrong path, and I did not feel afraid, but instead I enjoyed it. Finally, I completely lost the work of the Holy Spirit and I truly could no longer work. I was removed from my duties and sent back home for spiritual reflection. Faced with this outcome, it was as though I very quickly fell into a bottomless pit. My entire body was limp and weak from an intense feeling of frustration, and I couldn’t help but think: It was so wonderful when I first started performing my duty. And now, going back in such disgrace, how can I face my family and the brothers and sisters in my hometown? What will they think of me? Will they make fun of me, look down on me? As soon as I thought of losing my image and status in other people’s minds, I felt an unbearable pain, as though my entire being was about to fall apart. I was living in negativity that I couldn’t extricate myself from and I couldn’t even continue reading God’s words. In the midst of this agony, I could only pray to God: “Oh God! I have become so weak now and my spirit is in darkness. I am unable to accept the fact that I was replaced. I’m also unwilling to obey the church’s arrangements but I know that everything You do is good and contains Your benevolent will. May You enlighten me to understand Your will.” After praying, these words of God brought me enlightenment: “In your seeking, you have too many individual notions, hopes, and futures. The current work is in order to deal with your desire for status and your extravagant desires. The hopes, the desire for[a] status, and the notions are all classic representations of satanic disposition. … Although you have gotten to this step today, you still have not let go of status, but are always struggling to inquire about it and observing it daily, with a deep fear that one day your status will be lost and your name will be ruined. … You are now followers, and you have some understanding of this stage of work. However, you have still not put aside your desire for status. When your status is high you seek well, but when your status is low you no longer seek. The blessings of status are always on your mind. Why is it that the majority of people can’t get out of negativity? Isn’t it always because of bleak prospects?” (“Why Aren’t You Willing to Be a Foil?” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). The judgment revealed in God’s words gave me a rude awakening, and made me understand that God’s work at that time was to deal with my desire for status and to make me see clearly the wrong path I was following in my belief in God, so that I would be able to know my error and turn back, and embark upon the proper path in life of pursuing the truth. Thinking back on the time since I had started performing my duty, I was very positive during the times I had status. I was extremely confident and did not fear suffering or hardships. When I was faced with someone dealing with me or pruning me I did not resist it. But then, after I was let go and had to return home I could not climb back out of my negativity. In my duty, in order to satisfy my desire for reputation and status, I did all I could to show myself off and prove myself, and I worked and expended myself sparing no pains; when I saw brothers and sisters have shortcomings in their duties, I didn’t help them and support them with a loving heart, nor lead them to seek the truth and resolve their problems in God’s words, but instead I lectured them from on high. I also purposefully exalted myself and bore witness to myself to make others look up to me and adore me, and I led brothers and sisters before myself. I saw that on the surface, I appeared to be doing my duty, but in reality was engaged in my own business in the name of doing my duty, and was entirely using the opportunity to do my duty to satisfy my ambition and desire to get ahead and make others look up to me. I had to ask myself: Was I not brazenly defying God? Mankind was created by God, so we should worship and look up to Him. Our hearts should only contain the status of God, but I, who was a filthy and corrupt, lowly person, always wanted to have a place in the hearts of others. Isn’t this terribly arrogant? Isn’t this outrageous and contrary to God? Isn’t this a serious offense against God’s disposition? When I thought of that, I couldn’t help but tremble with fear at my own deeds. God’s disposition is righteous and holy and does not tolerate mankind’s offenses. How could He allow me to disobey and defy Him like this? Only then did I realize that my being let go was God’s great tolerance and great love. Otherwise, I would have done more and graver things to resist Him, and when it came to the point that He was unable to forgive me, it would then be too late. The more I thought about it the more scared I was, and the more I felt that I was too indebted to God. I couldn’t help but prostrate myself in front of Him and pray: “Oh God! My nature is too arrogant, too superficial. I haven’t pursued the truth while fulfilling my duty, and I haven’t thought of repaying Your love. I was busy running to and fro for the sake of reputation and status, I set my heart on getting ahead in the church, and I took the path of the antichrist, so how could I not stumble and fall in the course of fulfilling my duty this way? If Your judgment and chastisement, and Your dealing and pruning had not come upon me in time, I certainly would have continued along the path of the antichrist. In the end I would have ruined my chance for salvation. Oh God! I give thanks for Your mercy and Your salvation of me. From this day forward, I am willing to let go of my ambitious desires and pursue the truth, and accept more of Your judgment and chastisement, to attain change in my corrupt disposition soon.” God’s enlightenment and guidance led me out of my negativity and allowed me to have some knowledge of my own arrogant nature and essence of resisting God. I also gained some understanding of God’s righteous disposition, and I felt a great release in my heart. I was also willing to continue to seek the truth in whatever environment God sets up for me, and to more deeply understand His will.
In my pursuits after that, I saw words from God which said: “I decide the destination of each person not on the basis of age, seniority, amount of suffering, and least of all, the degree to which they invite pity, but according to whether they possess the truth. There is no other choice but this. You must realize that all those who do not follow the will of God shall also be punished. This is an immutable fact” (“Prepare Sufficient Good Deeds for Your Destination” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). “As a creature of God, man should seek to perform the duty of a creature of God, and seek to love God without making other choices, for God is worthy of man’s love. Those who seek to love God should not seek any personal benefits or that which they personally long for; this is the most correct means of pursuit” (“Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). God’s words had already told people perfectly clearly and understandably what His will and requirements were so that mankind could understand a proper way of pursuit and what the wrong path is. At that time I placed reputation and status above everything, but in reality, God did not look at how high someone’s status was, what kind of seniority they had, or how much they had suffered for their belief in God. He looked at whether or not they pursued the truth and had a genuine understanding of God. Those with the truth but without a high status can also gain His praise, but those without the truth and with a high status are those that God detests and rejects. This is decided by God’s righteous disposition. Status cannot determine a person’s fate, nor is it a symbol of someone’s salvation in their belief in God. It particularly is not a mark of someone having been perfected by God. But I had always used my status to measure my own worth and my greatest pleasure had been being looked up to and adored by others. Wasn’t this entirely contrary to God’s requirements? Wasn’t believing in God this way completely futile? Not only would I have been unable to be saved by God, but in the end I would have suffered God’s punishment due to my evil ways. God gave me a duty to allow me to enter into the truth, to be able to pursue a change in disposition, pursue obedience to and love of God, and in the end to be saved and perfected by Him. Only this was the proper path. After understanding all of this, my heart was full of gratitude toward God. Thanks to His judgment and chastisement that pulled me back from the wrong path and enabled me to understand His will, allowing me to finally see clearly the danger and consequences of pursuing reputation and status. Only then was I able to wake up and turn back in time. Through that experience I had some knowledge of my wrong views on pursuit as well as God’s kind intentions, and my state recovered once again. I threw myself into fulfilling my duty again.
In July of 2004 I went to a remote area in the mountains and worked together with a brother to take charge of the gospel work. At the very beginning, I kept in mind my previous failures as lessons. I frequently reminded myself not to pursue reputation or status but to honestly fulfill my duty as a creation, so when there were issues I didn’t understand or wasn’t clear on, I would put myself aside and actively seek out my brother for fellowship, to discuss and resolve it. But as my work bore more and more fruit, my arrogant nature once again reared its head and I started to focus on my own image and status again. During a meeting one time, a brother of the local gospel group said to me happily: “Thanks to you coming here we’ve converted more believers….” My mouth said that this was the result of the work of the Holy Spirit, but in my heart I was very pleased with myself. After the meeting was over and I returned to my host family home, I sat on my bed and replayed in my mind every scene of the performance of my duty during that time. I couldn’t help but become self-congratulatory, thinking: It seems I have true capability in this work. As long as I continue to work hard, I can certainly be promoted again. I saw myself then entirely as a hero, and God’s status was already gone from my heart. When performing my duty after that, I started to compete for status and compare positions with my co-workers. I started to blatantly show off in front of my brothers and sisters as if any results from our work were all because of my efforts. Just as I was sliding back into the abyss one step at a time, God once again extended a hand of salvation to me. One evening I suddenly came down with a serious flu. My temperature reached 39 degrees Celsius and even after taking medicine for several days I wasn’t getting any better. I went to the hospital to get an infusion, but my condition not only didn’t improve but became more serious. I couldn’t keep anything down, not even water. Finally, I was bed-ridden and felt as if I was on the verge of death. Under the torture of that illness, I no longer thought of what kind of status I would have the next day. I quickly knelt down and prayed to God: “Oh God! This illness coming upon me is Your good will as well as Your righteous disposition. I do not want to misunderstand You or blame You; I only beg You to once again enlighten and illuminate me, so that I can understand Your will and more deeply understand my own corruption.” After praying, my heart was much more at peace. Just then, these words of God suddenly came upon me: “Your arrogant and conceited natures drive you to betray your own consciences, to rebel against and resist Christ, and to reveal your ugliness, thereby bringing to light your intentions, notions, extravagant desires, and eyes full of greed” (“Are You a True Believer in God?” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Every one of these words from God pierced my heart like a sword; they struck at my mortal spot. Every single type of ugliness of arrogance that I had revealed came into my mind with great clarity. My heart was in pain and I was immeasurably embarrassed and ashamed. It was then that I clearly saw that it was my own arrogant nature that caused my conscience to lose its original function so that I wasn’t always able to honestly obey and worship God. This caused me to always harbor ambition and desire, and as soon as I got some opportunity I would pursue status, and I wanted to show myself off and suppress others. I couldn’t just be a well-behaved person. It was clear that any fruits of my work depended on the work of the Holy Spirit; it was God’s blessing. However, I shamelessly stole God’s glory, exploited the opportunity to elevate myself, and enjoyed being looked to and worshiped by my brothers and sisters; I became so arrogant that I lost my sense. Only then did I realize that this arrogant nature of mine was precisely the root of my resistance to God. If I didn’t resolve it, I would never achieve obedience to God or devotion to fulfilling my duty.
Under God’s guidance, I once again thought of His words: “When one recognizes what one’s true nature is—how ugly, how despicable, and how pitiful—then one is not overly proud of oneself, not so wildly arrogant, and not so pleased with oneself as before. Such a person feels, ‘I must be earnest and down to earth, and practice some of God’s word. If not, then I will not measure up to the standard of being human, and will be ashamed to live in God’s presence.’ One then truly sees oneself as paltry, as truly insignificant. At this time, it becomes easy for one to carry out truth, and one will appear to be somewhat like a human should be” (“Knowing Oneself Is Mainly Knowing Human Nature” in Records of Christ’s Talks). God’s words pointed out for me the path of practice and entering in, and that if I wanted to thoroughly let go of my thoughts of reputation and status, I had to put effort into knowing my own nature. When I could truly see how lowly, how insignificant, and how useless I was, I would no longer be arrogant. When that time came, I would be able to become a low-key person and pursue the truth with my two feet firmly on the ground. In actuality, God administering this judgment and chastisement, this blow and discipline, was for me to have a true understanding of my own corrupt essence and my inherent identity and status. It was to allow me to have self-knowledge in front of God, to recognize my own poverty of spirit, my own nothingness. It was to allow me to know that what I needed was the truth, God’s salvation, from which I could fall down in front of God and be a well-behaved person. It was so that I could fulfill my duty to satisfy God and no longer pursue status, hurting His heart. Under the guidance of His words I had a way forward as well as the confidence to pursue the truth. Even though I had been deeply corrupted by Satan and my arrogant nature was deeply entrenched, as long as I was able to accept and obey God’s judgment and chastisement and His trial and refinement, from that come to know my own nature and essence, and then tirelessly pursue the truth, I would certainly be able to cast off the bonds and the affliction of reputation and status, and enter the path of being saved, of being perfected. After I turned back to God, I recovered from my illness within two days. This even more made me realize that He had used that illness as a way to discipline me. It was not to intentionally make me suffer, neither was there any punishment in it—it was to awaken my numb heart, to have me let go of my erroneous pursuits as soon as possible and step onto the right path of believing in God. I was deeply moved and galvanized by God’s love. I sincerely offered up my thanks and praise to God.
After I recovered from my illness I once again threw myself into work. I quietly resolved in my heart that when I encountered something having to do with reputation or status, I would certainly stand witness for God. Several months later, I learned that another gospel group was obtaining very good results and had experienced some wondrous actions of God, and had summarized some of their successful experiences and their path of practice. However, the work I was responsible for was on the decline. When I saw the disappointment on the faces of my brothers and sisters, particularly when I heard a sister say “We now enjoy such great salvation from God but we are unable to bear witness for His work. We are truly indebted to Him,” and everyone couldn’t stop themselves from crying, my heart was very much in pain. I didn’t know how to get out of that predicament, and I repeatedly prayed to God: “Oh God! We are all weak when faced with practical difficulties, but I know that this is You trying our confidence, testing our devotion. But my stature is too small and I cannot really bear that weight. I beg You to enlighten me to understand Your will. I am willing to act according to Your guidance.” After praying, a thought suddenly occurred to me: I should ask the co-worker there to come meet with us in fellowship so that we can draw on some of his strengths and experiences. That way the brothers and sisters will also be able to enjoy the enlightenment and leading of the Holy Spirit and know how to preach the gospel to achieve good results. I knew that this idea came from the guidance of the Holy Spirit, but I still had some misgivings in my heart. I thought: I used to achieve better work results than that brother in every way and when we were in meetings together I always looked down on him, but now, his performance is better than mine. If he sees me looking desperate and embarrassed now, will he laugh at me? Will the brothers and sisters look down on me? What about saving my face? … I thought and thought, and I still couldn’t let go of the idea of my own face and status, but as soon as I thought of God’s urgent will to save mankind and that my brothers and sisters didn’t have the guidance and leadership of the work of the Holy Spirit, I was chastised within my heart. Just as I was wavering, these words from God enlightened me: “The Holy Spirit not only works in certain people who are used by God, but, furthermore, in the church. He could be working in anyone. He may work in you during the present time, and you will experience this work. During the next period, He may work in someone else, in which case you must haste to follow; the more closely you follow the present light, the more your life can grow. No matter what manner of person someone is, if the Holy Spirit works in them, then you must follow. Take in their experiences through your own, and you will receive even higher things. In so doing you will progress more quickly. This is the path of perfection for man and the means by which life grows. The path to being made perfect is reached through your obedience to the work of the Holy Spirit. You do not know through what kind of person God will work to perfect you, nor through what person, occurrence, or thing He will allow you to gain or see things” (“Those Who Obey God With a True Heart Shall Surely Be Gained by God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Under the leadership from God’s words I understood His will and gained some understanding of how the Holy Spirit works to lead and perfect people. I realized: God’s work and God’s wisdom are marvelous and unfathomable. I don’t know through what type of person or thing He will enlighten and guide me to understand His will, nor do I know through what type of environment He will deal with my corrupt disposition. I must learn to obey the work of the Holy Spirit, and no matter how high or low someone’s status is, what their age is, or how long they have believed in God, as long as their fellowship conforms to the truth, it is God’s current will, and it can point out the practical path, that comes from the work and the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. I must accept, obey, and practice—this is the humanity and reason I must possess. If I don’t obey the work of the Holy Spirit, then I’m willing to allow my work to be compromised in order to maintain my own vanity. I’m willing to allow my brothers and sisters to live in darkness in order to maintain my own image and status. In that case, I am a true evil servant and an antichrist! When I realized that, I couldn’t help but feel afraid and I didn’t dare to once again be obstinate and go against the enlightenment and guidance of the Holy Spirit. I was willing to forsake my own satanic nature and comfort God’s heart through practical actions. So, I immediately wrote to that co-worker and asked him to come communicate with us. What made me feel ashamed was that after we met in person, that brother didn’t remotely look down on me or laugh at me. He very genuinely shared in fellowship how they had worked together while the Holy Spirit worked among them, and how they relied on God and prayed to God when they encountered setbacks and failures, what actions they had seen from God after that, what kind of true understanding they had gained about God, and more. Seeing my brother’s relaxed and joyful appearance, then seeing that my brothers and sisters appeared to be listening intently and with relish, then seeing smiles gradually appear on their faces, I felt an acute pain as if I were heartbroken. However, this time it wasn’t for the sake of satisfying my own face or status, but because I was rebuked in my heart due to my indebtedness to God. Because of this, I sincerely experienced the responsibility and the duty shouldered by a leader. If the road I personally take is not correct, it will harm and ruin the lives of so many people. It will bring spiritual suffering to so many brothers and sisters. In that case, will I not become a main culprit of resisting God? When God’s work is completed, how should I give account to Him? It was at that time that I finally truly detested myself from within my heart. I hated that in the past while performing my duty I had not engaged honestly in my work but had only thought of pursuing reputation and status and reveling in the blessings of status. Not only did it interfere with my brothers’ and sisters’ entries into life, but even more it interfered with carrying out God’s will. I had also frequently lost the work of the Holy Spirit and fallen into darkness. I saw that pursuing reputation and status did so much more harm than good. But while I was feeling guilt and regret, I also felt a shred of relief. This was because, under God’s leadership, I had finally let go of personal fame, gain and status to put the truth into practice this one time. I had done something that was beneficial for the gospel work, for the life of my brothers and sisters, and for the life of mine. I had shamed Satan through practical actions and stood as a witness for God this time.
In my experience of the work of God and because of my pursuit of reputation and status, I had experienced many setbacks and failures. I had taken many false steps, and because of this had undergone being dealt with and refined. Gradually, I saw status as much less important, and what I had believed before—without status there was no future and no one would look up to you—this misguided perspective was turned around. I have now followed God for 15 years. Every time I think of God’s work on me, there is always a sweet feeling that comes over me. I will never be able to forget God’s love and salvation for me. If it hadn’t been for God designing my environment and dealing with my desires for fame, gain and status in the early stages of my life, how would I have been willing to let go of the faith that I had been living by for many years and that had become my life? If it hadn’t been for God’s salvation coming upon me in time, I would still be living according to Satan’s poisons, and frittering away my life for the sake of a dream that could never be realized. And if it hadn’t been for God’s repeated revelations and refinements, I would still be charging forward on the wrong path and I would never become aware of how serious my own vanity is and how strong my desire for status is. I particularly would not have realized that I am the enemy of God. It was God’s remarkable work that made me see through much of the essence and harm of pursuing fame, gain and status. It allowed my erroneous values and perspectives on life to undergo a change, and it allowed me to understand that only pursuing the truth and fulfilling the duty of a creation is a true human life, and that only through casting off Satan’s dark influence and living based on God’s words can I live with meaning and with value. It is entirely the fruit of God’s judgment and chastisement that I am able to have the understanding and changes that I have today. Although undergoing God’s judgment and chastisement required me to undergo the pain of refinement, I have gained some understanding of God’s work, of His good essence, and of His disposition of righteousness and holiness. I am now able to clearly see, detest, and throw off Satan’s poisons which harmed me for many years, and I am able to have a true human life. None of this was suffered in vain. It was the most meaningful, the most valuable thing! On the path from today forward, I am willing to accept more of the judgment and chastisement, and the trials and refinement coming from God so that every type of my corrupt disposition can be purified soon, and I can become someone who is in line with God’s will.
a. The original text does not contain the phrase “desire for.”