A Shameful Secret
In a transfer of work, after I checked on the accounts with Sister X, I unexpectedly found an extra amount of 300 yuan left. At that time, I put the money into my bag without hesitation. Afterward, I felt remorse and wanted to return it, but I had misgivings: If I return the money, what opinions will the sister have of me? How can I have the face to see others? Thus, I lived in darkness, and my conscience was often condemned.
One day, I got sudden pains in the stomach and waist. I could hardly bear them and then went to the hospital. The result was that in a single day the treatment cost me 300 yuan. At that moment, I suddenly realized that God’s discipline came upon me. But I did not expose my ugly deed on that account. Later, whenever the brothers and sisters fellowshipped about the principles concerning money, I was reminded of Judas’ end and could not help trembling with fear. Even so, I still kept the secret deep in my heart, unwilling to lay it bare to anyone.
One day, I read God’s words: “Why did you disrespect yourself? Why did you do that shameful folly? Even if you do not say it, it cannot be concealed from me. I am the God Godself who searches hearts and minds. To whom do I say this? To those who are dishonest. It is shameless of you to have done that thing behind my back. Do you want to hide it from my eyes? It’s not that easy!” “If you have many secrets and can hardly speak of them, and if you are very unwilling to open to others your secrets, that is, your difficulties, so as to seek the way of light, I say that you are one who is very hard to be saved and you are one who can hardly come out of the darkness.” Facing God’s words and thinking back to my deed, I felt stung by remorse and shame. I could not help falling down before God in tears: “O God, I know you disciplined me for the purpose that I can wake up and know my corrupt inherent nature. Today, the guidance of your words has given me confidence and courage. I am willing to drop my misgivings and bare my shameful secret….” Then I wanted to expose my ugly deed by writing a communication article on life experience. But when I took up my pen, a thought immediately came to me: I still have to do the work here; if the brothers and sisters know it, what will they think of me? If the leader above me knows it, will she dismiss me home? … So, I put down the pen in my hand. But at the thought of God’s words, I could not sit still. Then I went to Sister X and directly bared to her the secret hidden in my heart for one year. Instead of despising me, the sister comforted me and fellowshipped with me about God’s intention and God’s requirements for people. At that moment, all sorts of feelings welled up in my heart. And once again, I fell down before God: O God! Today I have seen that your nature does not tolerate man’s offense, seen your love and mercy, and even more tasted your almightiness. All that I did in secret you saw clearly and you did not let it pass. When I covered up my ugly deed, I lost your care and keeping and lived in fear and self-reproach, without peace or joy. When I was overwhelmed by remorse, you led me out of the darkness and into the light so that I feel assured and relieved and even more see your kindness and venerableness. O God! Thank you that your discipline and the judgment of your words have made me come out of the darkness and live in your light again. I will take this matter as a warning, warn myself at all times, and never do any shameful thing again. I will cherish the commission you have given to me, and do my best to atone for my indebtedness to you.
Lianyungang City, Jiangsu Province