“In some place has ever occurred such a thing. A new believer exalted some sister and, hugging her legs, wept and cried: ‘O God! Don’t go! O God! I will miss you….’ Yet she did not refuse it, nor did she express her attitude. … Such a person is absolutely not a good thing….” When I read these words of God’s fellowship, I can’t help feeling a great remorse: O Almighty God! I am not a good thing; I am really not a good thing! Then the scene of the past floats before my eyes again…
That was in the summer four years ago. God’s family asked me to cooperate in a gospel clue. The gospel friend was a sister who returned from abroad to visit her family. Through a brother’s testimony, she excitedly accepted the work of the Almighty God. Every day she was together with us eating and drinking God’s word, learning to sing the hymns, and dancing as offering sacrifices. And we also felt very excited for her return to the Almighty God.
One day after lunch, she and I were alone in a room. She suddenly began to talk about her corruptions. When she came to something that touched her, she was so remorseful that she kept weeping bitterly. Unconsciously I also fell into this state. Suddenly, she, facing me, knelt flop down on her knees, “O God! I’m guilty of sin! Please forgive me!” My head got confused. Without knowing what to do, I also went down on my knees facing her, and I said: “Wrong! You are wrong….” “Why do you kneel down too?” she asked in astonishment. “We are both corrupt people!” I was panicked and didn’t know what to say. But in my heart, I was clear that she had regarded me, a corrupt person, as God. After a while, seeing that the sister’s mood became steady slowly, I didn’t say anything more to her. The matter of the sister’s mistaking me for God was thus suppressed in my heart. I had never thought to give her a good explanation, and even less mentioned it to anyone else.
Imperceptibly the sister’s holiday ran out, and our cooperation ended accordingly. On the third afternoon after our parting, the sister in charge of the work hurried to me and said, “Yesterday that sister went to two host homes to look for you. She said that she has a problem and must see you before she leaves.” When I met that sister, she asked me: “Is it that I cannot go abroad to work after accepting this stage of God’s work? If so, I’m willing to give up the well-paid job abroad.” I replied, “Don’t consider so much. Since your holiday has run out, go as you should. After you go back, preach God’s word and what you understand to the brothers and sisters there….” To whatever I said, she always nodded: “Yes! Ok! All right! I’ll book my air ticket tomorrow!” Seeing her reverent and respectful manner toward me, I realized that the thought of taking me as God in her mind hadn’t been removed. However, I still didn’t make any explanation to her. Just before parting, she held my hands very carefully. Looking at her eyes of attachment, I felt very disturbed in my heart, yet I merely opened my mouth but said nothing. Just like this, I consciously watched her going away with my image as the image of God in her heart. One year, two years passed, and as time went on, this matter had faded from my memory.
One day, I unexpectedly read these words in The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations: “In some place has ever occurred such a thing. A new believer exalted some sister and, hugging her legs, wept and cried: ‘O God! Don’t go! O God! I will miss you….’ Yet she did not refuse it, nor did she express her attitude. … Such a person is absolutely not a good thing….” I sucked in breath with horror. All at once my heart sank into a bottomless abyss and I only felt a gnawing pain plaguing me. I thought: Among the millions of people whom God saves, very few cases of such a thing could occur, yet my case was one of them. Was I not a person whose humanity is bad to the extreme? Why is it that I knew she treated me as God but I did not have any intention to explain it to her or feel any fear? Wasn’t it because I didn’t at all fear God or dread God in my heart? If I had had the slightest bit of fear and dread, I would not have let this matter pass ambiguously! Why is it that I clearly knew the true fact but was always unwilling to refuse her? Am I not satan, the archangel, that wants to replace the image of God in people’s hearts? I could allow the ugly features of me, a devil corrupted by satan to an extremely filthy extent, to remain forever in a person’s heart as the image of God. Isn’t this a tremendous defilement and blasphemy to God? I’m not only not a good thing, but I’m simply a scum who deserves ten thousand deaths and who should not be allowed to be reborn for all eternity! Even if God should tear me to shreds at this moment, I would have nothing to say because what I have committed is a monstrous sin of replacing the image of God. Today, God still leaves me my life and this is God’s great mercy and great salvation for me. No matter what my outcome will be in the future, I am willing to work for God like an ox and a horse, pledging my life to repay God’s grace!
Puyang City, Henan Province