Apart From God, I Have Only Suffering and Cannot Live
Because I went out to perform my duty every day, my family often persecuted me. At first I thought nothing of it. But later, my unbelieving father-in-law had a quarrel with me and fell ill with anger and was hospitalized; now I became afraid. I thought, “This time husband will surely not let me off; he’ll beat me to death.” But to my surprise, far from quarreling with me, my husband was tender and considerate toward me and showed me the utmost solicitude. And my father-in-law, after discharged from the hospital, also said nothing about it and treated me quite well. I was deceived by their unusual behavior. I thought to myself: All day long I perform my duty outside, running here and there and suffering from hardships and fatigue, and have no time to take care of the family. This time I made father-in-law sick, yet they still treat me so well. It seems that they’re not wicked. Facing their “care,” I had no more inclination to rush about. I decided to live a peaceful life at home and be a truly good daughter-in-law and a good wife to make up for my “indebtedness” to them.
So, I left the Almighty God, who bestowed to me the right way of human life, and returned to satan’s camp and lived the old life of managing household affairs. I raised cows, fed pigs, and also sold fruits. I was awfully busy all day long. Yet in the end, I not only did not earn any money, but I lost all my capital. Then, my husband changed his smiling face into a cold one, and he either beat me or swore at me. Often I was beaten black and blue, and had no face to meet people. In a quarrel I asked him, “Why did you treat me so well during the previous period?” “I treated you well to make you stop believing in your Almighty God, and to make you work, earn money, and live at home wholeheartedly for me.” Looking at my devilish husband and listening to the words from his mouth, I was heartbroken: This is my dear one whom I found it hard to part with, my husband who “loves” me. This is the life I wanted to live. This is the “enjoyment” I receive after leaving God. …
I regretted that I had fallen into the chasm of distress because of hankering after temporary family harmony. And I hated myself for being so blind and foolish that I had sunk into satan’s schemes and rebelled against God. I recalled the days and nights when I was with the brothers and sisters in God’s family: Though I suffered some fatigue from running around, I felt very peaceful and assured in my heart. However, all this had become the past….
When I was grief-stricken, God’s words rang in my ears: “If you leave this ‘place,’ won’t it be painful torture or the affliction of the devil that comes upon you? Won’t it be unbearable days and nights? Do you think you can forever escape the future torment if you escape the judgment today?” God’s words shook my heart, and tears of remorse and self-reproach flowed quietly at the bottom of my heart. I silently prayed to God, “O Almighty God, I believed in you but did not have a heart of fearing and dreading you. Because of my husband’s ‘care’ for me, I got carried away and rebelled against you and chose to come back home to live a ‘harmonious’ life to satisfy my husband. I was really blind! Now I have known that my home is the grave to ruin my life and my husband an evil demon to devour my soul. O God! Apart from you, I have only suffering and can’t live. I am willing to return before you to enjoy your word of life.” But then I thought, “I have rebelled against God; will God accept me again, the son of disobedience who is worse than a beast?” I had no courage to go to the brothers and sisters. I only hopelessly waited for the day when I could get out of the miserable life.
When I was overwhelmed with sorrow, the Almighty God stretched out his hand of salvation toward me. One day, a sister came and asked me whether I was willing to return to God’s family. This excellent news made me very excited. But I also felt that I had broken God’s heart and had no face to see God again. The sister gained an insight into my mind and then read me a passage of God’s word: “Whoever has run away, if he can come back and still has this home in his heart, I will feel somewhat nostalgic about him and have some comfort. But if he never comes back, I will feel it a pity. If he can come back and begins to believe in God with a true heart, I will have great enjoyment in my heart….” God’s motherly words warmed my heart, gave me hope, and even more gave me courage to start a new life. God really loves man so much, and his heart is as broad as sea and sky. Though I had broken his heart, he did not treat me according to my disobedience and cast me away, but instead stretched out his hand of salvation toward me. Facing such tolerance and mercy of God, I burst into tears of gratitude. And I replied immediately, “I’m willing!”
Thanks to God’s love and God’s tolerance, I, a son of disobedience, returned to God’s family. From the bottom of my heart, I uttered genuine thanks and praises to God: O Almighty God, I have nothing to repay your love for me. I will cherish the chance you have bestowed to me and dedicate my whole life to you. Even if what I receive before you is merciless chastisement, judgment, and curse, I will never leave you again. I will follow you forever, for I have deeply experienced that, without you, I have only suffering and can’t live.
Baoji City, Shaanxi Province