At one co-workers’ meeting, the leader fellowshipped about the truths of exalting God and testifying about God and resolving problems with the truth. At the time I thought that I had somewhat understood the truths in this aspect, and I also had fellowshipped about them with my subordinates before. As I thought I had no need in this aspect, I was tired of listening to the fellowship and only made a casual note in my notebook. And after the meeting, I did not take the truths in this aspect seriously.
At the following two co-workers’ meetings, the leader again fellowshipped emphatically about the truths in that regard. I still did not feel I had the shortage. And I believed that I had been exalting the word of God and the work arrangements and also using the truth to resolve problems.
So, after I came back from the meetings, I conveyed to the brothers and sisters the truths which I considered as important and could solve actual problems. As for the truths which were about exalting God and testifying about God and using the truth to settle problems and which I thought we did not lack, I talked about them lightly. And because of not having enough time in the meeting, I even had not fellowshipped about some of the truths which I thought were not important.
Recently, the leader came to my place to check the work, and once again he fellowshipped about what was to solve problems with the truth and what was to exalt God and testify about God. At the time, my subordinates said that they were not clear about these truths and hadn’t entered into any of them. Only then did I feel pain and cut to the heart. Afterward, the leader asked me, “The truths in this regard have been fellowshipped about for such a long time. Why haven’t you entered into them? These truths were fellowshipped about in the same way for all of you, but people in other places have somewhat entered into them.”
Being exposed by God and seeing that during this long period my life and the life of the brothers and sisters in the churches had suffered loss, I shed tears of remorse. I had to come before God to examine myself: These truths have been fellowshipped several times at the co-workers’ meetings, but why didn’t I take them seriously? Why have the brothers and sisters here not entered into these truths? Why have those in other places had somewhat entered into the truths while I haven’t entered into any of them?
While examining myself, I opened Christ’s Talks with Some Church Workers, and I read this passage (of the man’s fellowship attached): “I find that all the people have got an illness; that is, they are very self-right and like to do things according to their notions, and they even give up seeking the truth. This is more serious with the leaders in particular. Whatever work they do, they do it according to their own imaginations and feelings, which they think is most reliable. Even when they know the words of God, they put them aside and still believe their own feelings. People all believe themselves more than believe God. In many things, they act according to their own feelings. As a result, they have done a lot of things irrelevant to the truth. People love to do things by their own ideas and act willfully and recklessly. This is their greatest disobedience and is also their fatal corruption. If such people become leaders, they will bring loss to the work. If people are not transformed in this aspect, they are not after God’s heart. Most of the leaders have this problem; this is most grieving and abhorrent to God. … God’s arrangements could absolutely not be checked or selected or decided by man. What is man? Is he worthy to be God’s counselor? Man is so arrogant and self-right that he has lost all sense of shame! … One is self-right if he believes himself too much. A self-right person is often content with doctrinal understandings in reading the word of God, and he does not understand the real meaning of the truth. Such kind of person doesn’t have any truth, much less knows God…. Only when one’s arrogance and self-rightness become true obedience and absolute obedience can he be fit for God to use.”
Every word in the fellowship hit my state and made me feel an awful pain and cut to the heart. Only then did I realize that my satanic nature of arrogance and self-rightness resisted God too much. Due to my arrogance and self-rightness, I only doctrinally understood the truths of exalting God and testifying about God and of solving problems with the truth, but I thought that I had gained them and had no deficiencies; and thus I lost the thirsting and seeking heart, and lost many chances to understand the truth. Due to my arrogance and self-rightness, I always believed that my own feelings were reliable; of the truths which God requires people to enter into and practice but which I felt unnecessary and unimportant, I was not concerned with them and did not try to enter into or practice them; I had missed many good chances to enter into the truths and be perfected by God. Due to my arrogance and self-rightness, I willfully checked and accepted or rejected the truths that God requires people to enter into, acting recklessly in the work. I made efforts to carry out the truths which I thought were necessary, but as to the truths which I thought were unneeded and unimportant, I carried them out perfunctorily, and sometimes I even did not fellowship about them with my subordinates. As a result, the brothers and sisters could not normally receive the supply from God and their life suffered a great loss. I had disrupted and disturbed God’s work of saving man on earth and simply acted as satan’s messenger and as God’s counselor. How could I, such a person who was arrogant and self-right and shameless and who believed his own feelings more than God, not grieve God and be abhorred by God? Not until then did I realize that the arrogant and self-right nature really does great harm to man. If such nature of mine is not transformed, it will do harm both to myself and to the brothers and sisters, and in the end, I will only receive the righteous punishment from God because of doing too much evil.
O God, thank you for exposing me. It has enabled me to realize the serious consequence that may occur if my arrogant and self-right nature is not transformed, and to develop hatred toward my arrogance and self-rightness. I am willing to pursue to be transformed to atone for my indebtedness to you. From now on, whichever aspect of the truth is fellowshipped about, I will examine myself strictly against it and will not believe my own feelings anymore. I will obey and accept it and carry it out with a heart of fearing you, try to understand it clearly and truly enter into it in the practice, so as to genuinely be a person who absolutely obeys you in his service and be fit for your use soon.
Shenyang City, Liaoning Province