Because I was restrained by money, when performing my duty away from home, I was in no mood to do it and was always thinking in every possible way about how to earn money.
In September 2002, someone found me a job, and immediately I laid aside the gospel work and went to earn money. I calculated in my heart that I could make more than one thousand yuan when the job was finished. Thinking of the money that would soon come to my hands, I was very pleased. But on the way to work the next day, somehow I felt uneasy at heart. I just warned myself again and again: Ride slowly and be careful not to be killed by a car. All the way, I drove the motorcycle almost as slowly as those who rode bicycles along the roadside. I kept driving forward carefully, watching the cars whizzing past me, and wondering which car might run toward me. I could not but be deeply worried about myself. Anxiety, fear, and dread welled up in me all at once, driving me almost out of my senses. After a hard time I arrived at the building site, where I worked, and only then did I give a sigh of relief. But just after I climbed up onto the working scaffold, the living examples of people being punished by God floated before my eyes, one scene after another. I became frightened again and kept warning myself: Work slowly! Be careful not to miss my step. If I drop and become crippled, my whole life will be finished, or perhaps, my life will be lost. The more I thought, the more slowly I worked. After I raised my head and made a wielding of the tool in my hand, I quickly lowered my head to look at my feet, left and right, for fear that a certain part of the scaffold was not fixed properly. The more I thought about it, the more I felt frightened. I had worked for seven to eight years and had never been so “careful,” but now I was even uneasy about the scaffold put up by myself. For the first time in more than thirty years I had such a panicky feeling. On the third day, I again came to the building site in such a way as if I was carrying an explosive bomb in my bosom. I dragged my tired legs up onto the scaffold, which was like a “gallows,” my heart thumping all the time. Only then did I realize it was so painful to be apart from God. But, in order to get the money, I allowed myself to live in such a painful torment.
When I felt empty in my heart and my spirit was nearly broken, I remembered a passage of God’s word: “…Whoever wants to run away may run away right now. No one will restrict you! You may have a try and run away and see if you can run away. Even if you run away, you will have to turn back. God controls you by his word. You cannot live if you leave the church and leave God’s word. If you do not believe this, you may experience it. Do you think that you can leave as you like? God’s Spirit controls you, and you cannot leave. This is God’s administration! Some people want to have a try. Just go ahead! … Maybe your flesh will not die, and you still can eat and dress yourself, but you will feel unbearable in your heart and feel suppressed and distressed mentally. This is the greatest suffering. If a person is tortured and wrecked mentally, he cannot bear it. If your flesh suffers, you may be able to endure it. But if you are suppressed mentally and tortured for a long time mentally, you simply cannot bear it.” Under the enlightenment of God’s words, I thought back to my disobedience in this period and felt really ashamed and guilty. To make a little more money and win my wife’s greeting with a smile, I allowed the power of darkness to rule inside me and would rather bear the painful torment than suffer a little for the truth, just as God’s words disclose: “…do not even have the will to repent and turn back.” In the past, I did not believe these words of God. Today after the experience, I am certain that every word God says is the true fact, and I have seen the authority and power of God’s word. God controls everything with his word and no one can escape the manipulation of God’s word. If one leaves the word of God, he really cannot live. From this, I have also seen God’s salvation for me. At this moment, I am willing to make a choice once again. I do not want to wander about in the world. I am willing to return to the embrace of God’s love and perform my duty properly to repay God’s love.
Xi’an City, Shaanxi Province