Being Fussy Harmed Me Greatly
God’s word says: “… You are fussy about trivialities, think much…, have many concerns…, so you will have to suffer more and be hindered more greatly. It is not easy for such a person to enter in.” Whenever I read this passage, I thought, “Though I’m fussy about trivialities, it won’t be so serious as to hinder my life entering.” But in this period, I saw in God’s exposing that being fussy was indeed too harmful and it was a hindrance to my life entering.
Because of the need of the work, I came from the countryside to the city and stayed in a host home performing duty in coordination with a sister. The sister was superior to me in the living out of humanity, wisdom, insight, etc. The elderly sister of the host home, old and illiterate, loved to consult the sister when she encountered things; and the sister was willing to help her. Meanwhile, the sister was out of health, so the elderly sister naturally took more care of her. Seeing that they got on well with each other, I gradually had a great sense of alienation from them. I always felt that because I came from the countryside they looked down on me. Sometimes when I saw the sister doing her things silently, I suspected that she did not speak because she disliked me or because I had done something unacceptable to her. I thought, “If you have bad opinions of me, speak them out. Why always bottle them up?” Misunderstandings, complaints, and suspicions welled up from my heart continuously. The more I thought about it, the more I felt distressed and aggrieved. I always thought that I was a dependent and was inferior to them. Later, even a casual look or word from them could cause me to feel they were excluding me. After some time, I felt so constrained that I could hardly breathe, and my state worsened enormously. My heart stuffed with those trifles, I even could not settle down to perform my duty. Because of this, I secretly shed countless tears.
Thank God that his love did not leave me. One day, when having my spiritual devotions, I read in God’s fellowship these words: “You are fussy, fussy about this today and that tomorrow: someone has given you an unpleasant look, someone has looked down on you, or someone has ignored you…. You are too fussy about trivialities. Your mind is too complicated, your sense too poor, and your character too low. You are too troublesome and too difficult to deal with. Since you have so many defects, how many truths you need to understand and how long you need to be refined before you can get transformed! Concerned with too many trivialities and greatly entangled, having a very complicated mind, and thinking too much, such a person will have to suffer much more and shed many more tears. Such a person is not easy to get along with or associate with.”
God’s words brought me suddenly to myself. I always felt that I was from the countryside and lacking in knowledge and the sister would look down on me because of that. When the sister did not talk to me, I thought that she had prejudices against me; I did not open myself to fellowship with her but complained that she kept everything to herself. I even guessed the meaning of her every look or every word. Was I not too crafty and too fussy? In my coordination and contact with the sister, I not only did not learn from her strong points, but I always wanted her to regard me highly and not to snub me a little. When I thought she snubbed me, I estranged myself from her and even became passive and resentful. I was really too devoid of sense and too low in character! God’s family assigned us to perform duty together in order that we can complement and support each other and do our best to satisfy God in this duty, and that we can gain more truths in performing this duty. However, I entirely disregarded God’s intention and was occupied with the trivialities all day long, living in suspicions, misunderstandings, and complaints. As a result, not only did I delay the work, but my life also suffered a heavy loss. Only then did I truly realize that being fussy was really a great hindrance to my life entering.
Thank God for his exposing. I have known that I was too crafty by nature, too fussy about trivialities, and too low in character, and that being fussy greatly hindered me from entering into life. From now on, I will accept more judgments and chastisements of God’s word, spend more effort on the truths concerning knowing myself, and pursue to be a simple and honest person.
Dongying City, Shandong Province