I always thought in my heart that only those with a position could be perfected and if one had no a position it meant that he would be a serving one to be eliminated. Hence, I worked like crazy these years, dreading that I might fail to do the work well and thus lose my position. My heart and blood were filled with desire for position. I did not thirst for the truth or pursue the truth but only threw myself into the work, being careful to keep my position. So bitter and so tired, I led a very hypocritical life. Although I knew from reading God’s word that this was a road leading to destruction, I was still unwilling to turn back. I was walking on a road of no return and unable to extricate myself from it.
Just then God’s love came upon me. I was dismissed from my position. At that time I was very distressed and didn’t understand God’s intention. I uttered many complaints. I thought of God as “so cruel” that he discarded me after using me as a serving one. Now my fall meant that I would be completely finished and could not be saved. I felt lonely and desolate, as if God did not want me anymore. I felt the distance between God and me was widening. Yet God did not disregard me though I misunderstood him. He still continued to guide and inspire me. In God’s word “The Inside Story of the Conquering Work (4),” I read these words: “God has no hatred for you and no bad intention toward you. You should know that God’s love is the truest. It is just because of man’s disobedience that God has to use judgment to save men; otherwise they still could not be saved. …he cannot bear to let you continue to fall, nor can he bear to see you living in the filthy place like this and being trampled by satan as it pleases, nor can he bear to leave you falling into Hades. He only wishes to gain this group of people and save you thoroughly. This is the main purpose of doing his conquering work on you, which is just to save you.” God’s words deeply moved my heart, and I could not restrain my grateful tears. In retrospect, what I did was all on the work and for position. I had no God’s word in my heart and no fear of God, and I did not thirst for the truth or pursue the truth at all. God decides man’s outcome according to whether or not he has the truth, but I persisted in my error and took advantage of God to achieve my contemptible purpose of distinguishing myself. If God had not chastised and judged me this way, I would not know myself or hate myself, and could not mend my ways and walk out of the position or know where I might die. Only then did I realize that God removed me from the position and this was God’s righteousness, and much more, it was God’s salvation and God’s most real love for me. It was because my desire for position was too strong and I was corrupted too deeply and God had no heart to see me perish that he arranged this circumstance to purify me and wake me up.
Although God’s chastisement and judgment caused me to suffer a lot, it has made me understand that position cannot save me and only God’s word and God’s work can save me, and that only by pursuing to love God and know God, and by pursuing the transformation of my nature can I be saved. Without God’s chastisement and judgment, I would never be able to correct my past erroneous viewpoint of believing in God and would never be able to step onto the right way of human life. It is God’s chastisement and judgment that has saved me.
Jinzhou City, Liaoning Province