One day, during my spiritual devotions, I read a passage in the man’s fellowship: “It can be said that he who easily becomes passive is a conscienceless person, because he does not repay God’s love and is too lacking in sense. For a created being, it is right and proper to accept his position in life and perform his duty, and it is far better to submit to God’s arrangement in everything. Whatever God does is good; why waste time being passive? Therefore, becoming passive has to do with humanity. Those who really have the truth and humanity seldom become passive….” After reading this, I was very puzzled: One becomes passive simply because he does not understand the truth. How can he be considered as having no humanity and sense? Only those who, after becoming a little passive, spread passivity and cause disturbance are the ones who have bad humanity. As for me, although I easily become passive, I always bottle up my passivity, neither spreading it nor causing disturbance. Could that be deemed devoid of humanity? What does this mean?
Then I quieted my heart to reflect on my usual passive states and their causes. In God’s each exposing, when I saw that I had displayed too many corruptions and had not gained much transformation, I thought to myself, “I’m so corrupt. Even if I follow to the end, I won’t necessarily be saved. If I follow to the end only to suffer punishment, that will be too much: the worldly things I have not enjoyed, and I follow God without gaining anything.” So I unconsciously became passive. When being dealt with and pruned, I thought, “I’ve given up my youth, marriage, and career for God. Today, I not only have not gained any fame or profit, but I’m dealt with for not doing the work well. It’s too painful!” Thus, my state lowered and lowered, even to the point that I lost the strength to pursue. Whenever I read in God’s word that God perfects and gains man through endless trials, burning of fire, and merciless judgments, chastisements, and curses, my heart began to sink, and even if I pursued I had scanty strength for it. When seeing many “lofty warriors” fell, I thought, “They are so eloquent and yet have fallen. I do not have their eloquence and quality and am inferior to them in every respect, so how can I follow to the end?” Without knowing it, I became passive once again. … Thinking over and examining these reasons that caused me to be passive, I got enlightened: I often became passive and weak because of these things; doesn’t this show that I have been pursuing for the sake of blessings and of my future and destiny, making a deal with God by performing my duty? Did I have the slightest intention of repaying God’s love and satisfying God? When my intents and desires were not satisfied, I regretted my spending and suffering, felt myself aggrieved, and lost the faith to walk the path of believing in God, thinking it meaningless to follow God like this. How could these states and manifestations of mine mean that I have humanity and sense? A person who truly has conscience and sense is one who is willing to repay God’s love and spend himself for God without making demands, is one who performs duties without his own intents and purposes, is one who only knows to perform his duty as a created being but demands no rewards, and is one who pursues the truth and the transformation of his nature. I, however, only performed some duty reluctantly with the mentality of receiving blessings by luck. Once my desire was defeated, I pouted and wanted to run away. Am I a person who has conscience and sense? Can a person who truly has humanity and sense become passive because his flesh is not satisfied? Can a person who truly has conscience feel aggrieved at spending a little for God, thinking that he has suffered loss? Can a person who truly has humanity perform his duty with private desires? I often became passive because my fleshly desires were not satisfied, and I simply knew not to repay God’s love; doesn’t this show that I am utterly devoid of humanity and sense?
O God, thank you for your inspiration and leading. It has made me realize that, my becoming passive easily does mean that I have no conscience and have no humanity and sense. From now on, I will try to know your work and understand your intention of saving man, do my best to pursue the truth and the transformation of my nature, be a person who has conscience and sense, and never again live in passivity and misunderstand your heart.
Heze City, Shandong Province