In the winter of 1999, by accident, a brother took me to the upper level for a meeting, and he said that after the meeting I would be assigned to exercise under Sister X. With a feeling of great honor, I went to attend the meeting. I thought: Since he takes me to attend the upper-level meeting, surely I’m a little superior to the other brothers and sisters. So I was very pleased with myself. After the meeting, however, the brother did not say a word about assigning me to exercise under Sister X. Instead, he asked me to go back to my place and do my old job. At that moment, my mind became turbulent, and I kept on asking in my heart, “Wherein am I not good and not fit for use? If I’m unfit for use, why have you asked me to attend the meeting? Didn’t you intend to embarrass me?” All at once I felt bitterly humiliated, as if I had been made a fool of. I was very distressed in my heart. No! I must ask him for an explanation. He should let me know wherein I am not good, and let me understand, so that I can be submissive. So, I said to the brother, “If I am not good in any way, point it out to me, and I’ll amend. I like the direct way of speaking and don’t want others to talk to me in a roundabout way.” The brother smiled without answering me directly. He merely said, “You’re too crafty!” “What?” At the word “crafty,” I felt as if given a head-on blow. In an instant, my tears fell like beads off a broken string, and soon I was drenched in tears. “I’m crafty? How have I been crafty? What I’ve said is the truth and is my innermost thought! If you don’t believe, make some inquiries. In the world, I never took advantage of others, even less did I do anything bad. When others entrusted me with something, I never let them down. How could I have suddenly become a crafty person? …” From then on, I did not want to speak when meeting others, and I always felt myself wronged; I often had tearful eyes and was completely dark within. Many times, I wanted to shout to God, “O God, I’m really not a crafty person.” Thus, I passed two months as if it were two years. One day, I really could not withstand my distress. So I said to the sister of the host family, “Don’t disturb me. I’ll do my spiritual devotions.” Then I closed the door tightly, and with a heavy heart I knelt down before God, “O God! You know my corruption and even more my inherent nature. Because I do not know myself, now I feel dark within, unable to see you. May you have mercy on me and help me so that I can know myself, know myself as a crafty person. I really do not want to resist you.” After the prayer, I picked up the book of God’s word and turned it to “How to Know the God on Earth.” I read these words: “I appreciate very much those who have no suspicion about others and like very much those who are willing to accept the truth. I care for these people very much, because these two kinds of people are honest people in my eyes. If you are a very crafty person, you will have guard against and suspicion about everything and everyone. So your belief in me is also based on suspicion. Such a belief can never be acknowledged by me.” Reading here, I compared these words with myself. Suddenly I felt brightened as if getting a sweet shower after a long drought, and my heart was immediately drawn back before God’s words. I read them carefully and pondered them over and over again. Each of God’s words struck my heart deeply, and I recalled what I had expressed in these two months. Through a profound soul-searching and under the disclosure and guidance of God’s words, I saw that I was extremely ugly and much more saw that I was a crafty person through and through. However, in order to prove myself to be an honest person and not a crafty person, I always tried to justify and vindicate myself. And I even shed so many worthless tears. I could not help examining my conscience and asking myself: Did you shed sad tears for your indebtedness to God? Were you repenting yourself for failing to fulfill God’s commission? Not at all! I was bitterly pursuing the matter on account of my fame and face, unable to dismiss it from my mind. Was I like a believer in God? How could I be called an honest person? I always thought that if one took no advantage of others, did no bad things, and kept his promises he was an honest person. This was entirely a worldly viewpoint, not a truth. Although I took no advantage of others, I was unwilling to accept the truth. To know for certain why I was unfit for use, I demanded that the other explain it clearly to me and make me understand. And I even thought that he made a fool of me and suspected that he talked to me in a roundabout way. Isn’t all this the behavior of a crafty person disclosed by God’s words? Since I can suspect a man, I can even more suspect God. I am no doubt the craftiest person, who will never be approved by God.
God says: “Maybe you have never sworn at anyone or done a bad thing over the years of your believing in God, but when you come into contact with Christ, you cannot speak honest words, cannot do honest things, and cannot obey the words from Christ’s mouth. Then I say that you are the most sinister and diabolic person in the world. You are very friendly and faithful to your relatives and friends …, and you never take advantage of anyone, but you cannot be compatible with Christ or live in harmony with Christ. Then even if you give your all to help your neighbors or you take care of your parents and family carefully, I say that you are still a wicked man, a wicked man who is full of wiles.” Thank God for his inspiration. Facing the disclosure of God’s words, I had nothing more to say and felt deeply ashamed. I realized that though I did no bad things, I could not obey the words from Christ’s mouth, and that though I took no advantage of others, I could not be compatible with Christ or live in harmony with Christ. According to God’s words, I was not only a crafty person but an evil person who is full of wiles; I was not an honest person as I had thought. Then, I no longer felt wronged. I suffered torment for two months, simply because I was crafty by nature and lived in suspicion and thus was loathed by God. Thank the Almighty God for his wonderful work and wise exposing! They have made me know myself, much more made me see God’s righteous nature.
Hefei City, Anhui Province