I have been performing my duty away from home for more than one year. Although I performed my duty abroad, my heart was always occupied by my husband and children. I knew perfectly well that this was not right, but I was unwilling to rebel against the flesh and often indulged my thoughts, taking enjoyment in missing them. I always thought: Compared with those brothers and sisters who have not left their homes, I have something to capitalize on. After all, I have abandoned my family and my career, and have run around in wind and rain for so long. I should be given credit for hard work, if not for good work. In view of what I have expended, God will not go so far as to discard me.
One day, a church leader and I went to a sister’s home. The sister’s mother said to us, “People like you who have left home to perform duty have more chances to be perfected, whereas we who stay at home have fewer chances.” The sister interrupted her by saying, “Mum, don’t think so. If one who is away from home does not try her best to perform her duty, misses her husband and children all day, and does not pursue the truth and the transformation of her nature, she still cannot be perfected, for what God wants is man’s heart, not man’s flesh.” Her few words seemed to be directed at me, and I felt them very piercing. I was greatly distressed.
On my way back home, all kinds of feelings welled up in my heart. I really wanted to find a place to have a good cry. When I arrived at my abode, I bitterly fell down before God: “O God! Today I met the sister for the first time and we did not know each other. But her words directly touched my sore spot and made me very distressed. This must contain your good purpose, but I don’t know your intention. Inspire me.” After the prayer, I opened the book of God’s word and read this, “Whether you can be saved does not depend on how great your seniority is, or on how many years you have worked, much less on how long a record of service you have, but on whether your pursuit has fruited. … What does it matter even if you have wandered the streets for many years? Where is your testimony? Your heart of fearing God is far less than your heart of adoring yourself and indulging in lust. Isn’t such a person a scum? How can you be taken as a specimen and model of the saved? Your inherent nature is difficult to change, and your disobedience is too much. You are beyond redemption! Isn’t such a person exactly one to be eliminated? When my work ends, won’t it be the time when your last day comes?” Facing God’s severe judgment, I felt deeply fearful and trembled. I thought that I could be saved by God as I abandoned my family and my career and performed my duty through wind and rain; moreover, I capitalized on it, considering that I should be given credit for hard work if not for good work, and that simply because of this God would not go so far as to discard me. Thus I willfully indulged my ideas and thoughts. Today, through the inspiration of God’s words, I realize that that was merely my own imagination, because what God saves are the ones who can pursue the truth and the transformation of their nature and who can give their heart to God completely. Though my body was before God, my heart was always immersed in the affection for my family and became a place of amusement for satan, without a footing for God. So, even though I have given up, expended, and suffered much outwardly, I have not had any transformation within. How could God bring me into his kingdom who have no place for God in my heart and who am extremely filthy? What awaits me in the end will only be the righteous punishment of God. At the moment, I felt as if waking from a dream, and I could not but fall down before God once again: O God, thank you for your salvation coming upon me. You did not have the heart to leave me continue falling, so you elaborately arranged the circumstance to wake me up. Now I have known that all my previous thoughts are my own notions and imaginations and are my imagined standard of being saved. Today, it is you who work to save man, and you have principles and standards in saving man. You will never allow any filthy person to enter into your kingdom. To anyone whose nature has not been transformed, you will give only punishment and no reward. O God! I am willing to drop my notions and imaginations, and measure myself and make requirements of myself with the truth as the standard. I will drop my attachment for my husband and children, give my heart to you completely, and do my utmost to pursue the truth and the transformation of my nature, so as to be perfected and gained by you.
Donggang City, Liaoning Province