Before I accepted the new work of God, I had a boyfriend whom I had known for years. Because of my performing duty, we had not seen each other for more than two years. As time went on, my longing for him grew stronger. All day long I was like one out of her wits. I was in no mood to put myself into my duty, and my mind was full of his figure. I could no longer bear the anguish of long separation and longing, so I planned to go home to see him. I also made a decision: After I go home this time I will never come back.
On the 27th day of the twelfth lunar month, I lied to the first-line director, saying that I had bought the ticket and had to go home for a visit. Then I packed my things and prepared to leave early next morning. Unexpectedly, I could not get up the next morning. My limbs were out of control, my heart palpitated, my head ached severely, and my stomach felt raw. I went to the hospital and had an examination. The doctor said that I got a venereal disease. The word was like a bolt from the blue to me. How could this be possible? I am single. How could I get such a disease? I collapsed all at once. My heart was in a tumult and could not calm down: With this disease, how can I go back to see him? Even God will not want me anymore. What will the brothers and sisters think of me? How can I have the face to live! …
Since then, I had a tearful face every day and had no courage to live. When I was in despair and wanted to die, God’s word rang in my ears: “The coming of illness is God’s love.” The word of God caused my heart to calm down gradually. I knelt before God and prayed to him, “O God! My life, death, misfortunes, and happiness are all in your hand. Everything contains your good purpose, but now I don’t know what you are to perfect in me by doing all this on me. When this illness comes, I can’t feel that it is your love to me. May you inspire and enlighten me….” After praying, I opened the book of God’s word and came to these words: “I will leave men no opportunity to ‘release’ their emotion…. I have already hated men’s emotion to a degree. Because of ‘emotion’ between men, men put me aside, so I have become the ‘third person’ in men’s eyes; because of ‘emotion’ between men, men forget me…. Who has ever neglected his sleep and meals and worked day and night as I have for the sake of all my management plan? … Who can care about my heart?” God’s words woke me up all of a sudden. Because of this “emotion,” I have never thrown myself into my duty body and heart; because of this “emotion,” many times I have wanted to leave God. I was created by God and should consecrate my heart to God, but I have given it to my boyfriend who does not believe in God. I had no appetite for food and drink on his account, but I have never worked hard to the neglect of my meals and sleep on account of my duty. I was concerned about him at every moment, but I have never cared for God’s heart like that, and I even have put God aside. How could God not hate my emotion? Now I understand that, when this illness comes upon me today, it is God’s love coming upon me. Because God knows my thought and intention, he does not give me the opportunity to release my emotion. This is his great keeping for me. Without this illness, I would have rebelled against God and been ruined by my emotion. O God, what you have done is so good! I thank you sincerely for your salvation to me.
On the eighth day after I got the disease, I went to the hospital for another examination. The result was that all were normal and I was healthy. I was dumbfounded. I could hardly believe my ears. Instantly, tears rolled down my face. O God, in order for me to stay, you have taken so many pains. O God, your love renders me unable to make any other choice. I will never leave you again. It is your love that has woken me up, it is your love that has kept my heart, and it is your love that has conquered my heart. O God! I am willing to turn back to you, and I am willing to stay. I will drop the emotion that prevents me from loving you, consecrate my heart to you, throw myself into the gospel work body and heart, and perform my duty properly to repay your love for me.
Dalian City, Liaoning Province