In a transfer of people, my lust for position and my arrogant, ignorant, malicious, and crafty inherent nature were fully exposed. And accordingly, I tasted God’s nature that is righteous and wrathful and intolerant of man’s offense.
I remember that when the sister in charge of the work announced “Hereafter Sister X will lead the several working areas in your place,” I was dumbfounded for a moment, without saying anything. But my heart became turbulent: She will lead? She has been a clerk not as long as I have. She… I suddenly felt my face unnatural, so I immediately prayed to God silently: “O God, I am willing to obey your every arrangement. I know you uphold your own work, and your family uses anyone by principle. I should be a person who has sense and submits. No matter who leads, I should cooperate properly.” Thus, I submitted reluctantly. In the first two months, I was rather enthusiastic. Though I did not achieve much result, I was quite burdened in my heart. Even though I compared her with others, I only thought about it for a moment and did not dissect my inherent nature seriously. Once, she said to me, “You busy yourself with too many outward things.” When I heard this, I was provoked. Although I said nothing, I was resistant in my heart: I am busy with too many outward things? How could I not be busy? Those host families you don’t go to; the people used by you I have to go and see sometimes. What is for me to do I do, and what is not for me to do I also do. But you should say I engage in too many outward things. Receiving no compliments, I felt very aggrieved and even more resentful. But I did not know to come before God to examine myself, still less know to solve my “do-it-for-you” state with the truth. I merely checked myself and remained silent, yet inwardly, I began to set myself against her and no longer wanted to be a “busybody.” I no longer wanted to go to the host families to fellowship with them, and no longer wanted to see the people used by her. So I went forward passively and mindlessly. The result of my work became worse day by day, and month by month. However, I, numb, still did not know myself, let alone see that I was undermining her. I had long lost the heart to safeguard the interests of God’s family and did the work completely by my little perseverance and humanity; I was not working toward God, even less practicing the truth. When my work was unfruitful, I only felt distressed over fame for a moment, but I felt no indebtedness to God. When I saw her suffer an ordeal in her work, though outwardly I did not betray my emotion, I was happy inwardly. I was being fooled by satan and yet I was totally unaware of it. However, how could all this escape God’s eyes? Finally, I, who had lost humanity and sense, provoked God’s rage. One night, I was suddenly awakened by a nightmare. I was very frightened, which sense I had never had before. With terror I sweated coldly and felt limp and weak, and I dared not have the light off. As soon as I closed my eyes, I would be reawakened. I was very distressed and had a smothered feeling, uncomfortable all over, as if I was being bound. I felt lonely, helpless, fearful, and uneasy. Even now I still shudder at the thought of this. I kept calling on God, praying, and reading God’s word, and thus I went through that night. But I still did not know to examine myself regarding God’s commission, and I did not realize that I was smitten because I did work of undermining. Hence, I complained inwardly that God had gone too far.
In those days, I lived in painful torment all along. I felt as if a knife were piercing my heart, extremely distressed. I thought a lot like an unbeliever: One moment I thought that I had a heart attack, and the next I thought that God’s work would end soon, and it might be that I had a wrong spirit and was to be exposed and eliminated. I was struggling in despair. With such smiting, I did not realize that I had offended God’s nature. Instead, I shamelessly compared myself with Peter, imitated his prayers, and made his resolutions. I was so spiritually blocked. One day, I ate and drank God’s words: “…the more you act against God, the more God will show his majestic nature, and the more he will ‘serve’ you with severe punishment. The more you obey God, the more God will love you and keep you. It is as if God’s nature is an instrument of punishment. If you are obedient, you will be safe. If you are not obedient…, God’s nature will change instantly, like the sun of a cloudy day hiding from you and showing you its rage, and like a June day: the sky is clear and boundless and there are ripples on the surface of the water; in a twinkling, the current speeds up and waves roll on the surface. God’s nature being like this, do you dare to act at will? Most brothers and sisters have seen this in experience: in the daytime, the Holy Spirit works on you and you are brimming with confidence; but at some time God’s Spirit suddenly forsakes you and you are left sleepless all night, looking for the direction in which God’s Spirit has disappeared. But for all your efforts you are unable to find where God’s Spirit has gone.” God’s words made me wake up suddenly, realizing that I was disciplined by God because I had offended God’s nature. Only then did I understand that, if one’s viewpoint of pursuing and his nature are not changed, and if he does not know his inherent nature and cannot control himself, he will fall down somewhere, unable to get up. Through this exposing, I have truly understood the inner meaning of this word, “One may fall any moment.” O Almighty God, now I have no face to beg for your tolerance and forgiveness. I only hate myself for being too corrupt and disobedient and having no humanity. What you have expended on me actually got such a “repayment” of mine. I really owe you too much and have brought you too much grief. At this moment, although I feel worse than death, I only shout: This is your righteousness! I still feel no regret for following you!
Suzhou City, Anhui Province