I always looked up to a sister because in my eyes she not only had a proper living out outwardly but also fellowshipped about the truth clearly. I especially liked listening to her fellowship, and when I encountered some difficulty in my work, my first thought was to ask this sister to have some fellowship with me. Gradually, I became more and more distant from God, and in my heart there was only place for the sister. Once, she was arrested. I heard that she behaved bravely and escaped from the den of monsters by wisdom. Because of that, I admired her even more, and I took her as the model, imitating her in every aspect. Later, because of the need of the work, she was transferred away. I felt I had lost my support all at once, and was very distressed in my heart. In my talks with other brothers and sisters, I often mentioned her in spite of myself. And I always expected that some day I could coordinate with her again.
Not long ago, because our small district had just been divided into two, there was a lack of one assistant. The small-district leader said that she would transfer that sister back to water the churches with me. At this I was terribly glad: I did not expect that my wish of days would come true at last. This time I’ll seize the opportunity to try hard to learn from her.
However, the fact disappointed me greatly. Before we had coordinated together for two months, all the work of the churches she watered was in a terrible mess, and she herself was dead weak; she became so passive that she even wanted to give up her duty…. All this astonished me.
One day, I met the sister at a host home. Then I asked her what was the matter with her in this period and said that she used to be quite otherwise. She told me that in this period she just felt weak, had no burden for God’s commission, and always wanted to go home to see her family. Here she gave a sigh, saying, “Ay, now I see I have no stature. I still have not dropped my fleshly affection. In the past, all was done by the Holy Spirit….”
What she said woke me up all at once. I realized that it is God’s grace and mercy that man can do something; man can do nothing by himself. Remembering God’s word “Only when the Holy Spirit works on man can he have some usefulness,” I felt very ashamed of myself. I saw that I was really blind. In name I believed in and followed God, but I did not have any knowledge of God, did not have any place for God in my heart, much less know to look to and rely on God. Rather, I blindly adored and looked up to man, taking man as my support and listening to man’s words more than to God’s words. I was really corrupt and evil! Only God is the truth, the way, and the life, and only by relying on God can one find the way to go. However, I took the branch for the root; I gave my heart to man and forgot that only God is the spring of the living water of life. I was too absurd and pitiable! If it were not for God’s wonderful arrangement of this time, I would continue walking on the wrong path of adoring man and would only end up with the charge of resisting God and be rejected by God.
At that moment, I could not help having fear of God. So, I immediately came before God: O God, thank you for your guidance. It has enabled me to see that I am too blind and ignorant. I follow you but do not know you, and my heart is full of place for man; I am really loathsome and hateful to you. In future, I will drop the place for man in my heart, turn my heart fully to you, and be a person who truly worships you.
Fuyang City, Anhui Province