God’s Word Awakened My Conscience
God’s word says: “Those who confer benefits upon others can even receive their repayment. Christ works among you like this, but she cannot receive man’s love and cannot receive man’s repayment and man’s obedience. Isn’t this a heart-rending and tear-rending thing?” When I read this word of God in the past, I failed to see from it that God’s sorrowful heart was waiting for me to comfort with my reality, much less did I see how great the price God had paid for me today. On the contrary, I thought that God’s word somewhat overstated the fact: If it were not for requiting God, would I have been away from home and come to so far a place to perform my duty? Even less would I drop my youth, the fleshly enjoyment and worldly splendor, and live in such straitened circumstances. Till one day, through a small matter arranged by God, I gained a bit of knowledge of this word of God.
That was one early winter’s morning. I was waiting for a bus on the platform with a sister’s baby in my arms. The baby’s crying and the bus’s being late made me feel doubly impatient. The bus came, yet it was packed with people. I squeezed onto the bus. Seeing me carrying a baby, a young man sitting near the door got up and said to me politely, “Come and take my seat!” The baby’s crying caused me to forget to thank him. Afterward, whenever I thought of this matter, my heart felt bad: “It was so kind of that young man to offer me his seat, yet I didn’t even say a thank-you to him. I did not have the least common sense! If I meet him again in this vast sea of people, I’ll surely say a sincere thank-you to him.” And I even thought that it would be better if I could have an opportunity to give him a little help.
Once, when I thought of that matter again, God’s words inspired me in my heart: “Those who confer benefits upon others can even receive their repayment. Christ works among you like this, but she cannot receive man’s love and cannot receive man’s repayment and man’s obedience. Isn’t this a heart-rending and tear-rending thing?” God’s word reminded me of the course of my following God in these years and of the unblemished love God gave me. When learning that I caught stomach trouble from not having meals in time for days due to my cooperation on a gospel clue, the church specially sent for a brother from far away to treat me. When winter came, God’s family was considerate towards my fleshly weaknesses and bought me a cotton-padded jacket and woolen underwear, which made me feel warmth in the cold winter. In order for me not to be restricted when performing my duty away from home, the church, attentive to the difficulties of my family, assigned the brothers and sisters to help my family with the farm work during busy seasons…. Spring coming and winter going, it was God’s family that took care of me meticulously. Many times when I was besieged by satan, God’s word saved me from danger. Many times when I wanted to leave God and go back to my home that was like a pigpen or a doghouse, it was God’s love that had called me back…. From my heart I asked myself, “Have you forgotten all these? Has God given you little? Did God’s family treat you shabbily? When have you ever thought of repaying God? You bear in mind constantly even a stranger who offered you his seat. But how have you treated God? Have you forgotten what you’ve got from God? Have you received little? But what have you done for God? …” Uncontrollable tears kept streaming down my cheeks. In self-reproaching, I saw my intents clearly. I could run outside for God’s work and stay in the host home for several months or even a year without going home, because my home wasn’t as comfortable as the host home; I could expend myself for God and drop my pursuit of the prosperity of the world because in the world I had no way out, no power and no influence, no relatives or friends to rely on. But, in my heart, I had always been thinking of building a beautiful house for myself and of going back to the world at a right time to realize my ambition.
I asked myself: Am I requiting God’s love? When can I atone for all this indebtedness to God? When can I set God’s heart at rest? I only wish to take repaying God’s love as my goal to pursue, as the direction of my human life, so as to comfort the heart of God who loves me above all.