One day, when my leader fellowshipped with me, he mentioned: “X has been dismissed because he indulged in the blessings of position and always lectured others and even practiced deception in his work and delayed the work of God’s family, and though God’s family had fellowshipped with him and exhorted and warned him many times, he still had no intention to repent his errors. From now on, we should warn ourselves by his failure….” At the leader’s words, I broke into a cold sweat with shock. I thought: What a bad fall this person had. It seems that the greater commission one undertakes, the greater danger he is in, and the faster he will be revealed and eliminated. I must be careful. In future I will remain an ordinary believer and follow perfunctorily like this. I can’t drop out nor be too active lest some day I become a leader and also be revealed and eliminated. That would be too much! My efforts of years would be ruined overnight and I would be too grieved to cry…. So, for a long time, I held on to this viewpoint and never took the lead in attending meetings or performing duties.
Unexpectedly, since then my state got worse and worse. All day long my heart was heavy as if a big stone were weighing on it, and I always felt it was very tiring to believe in God. In pain, I opened The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations, and I read these words of God: “Some people think that all those who serve as leaders above are digging their own graves, because the leaders unavoidably have many corrupt expressions that are seen by God. If they did not do the work, would they have so many expressions? How ridiculous these thoughts are! Can’t God condemn one if he does not see his expressions? If so, wouldn’t all those who don’t do any work be the ones who can be left? According to man’s understanding, no matter how much a worker has been transformed, God will not see it, and God will condemn him only according to his corrupt expressions; as to one who does not have many expressions, God will not condemn him even if he has not been transformed. Is this what you deem God’s righteousness? If God did so, would there be anyone who says that God is righteous? Isn’t this your misconception and your misunderstanding about God? Then isn’t your belief in God false? Doesn’t it mean that you think God has never had righteousness? Isn’t such a thought a blasphemy against God? … According to your imagination, the followers below would all gain salvation in the end, whereas these leaders would all be finished. If you do not perform the duty given to you, it is not right; if you perform the duty, you always express corruptions in spite of yourself. You simply seem to be sent to the scaffold. If man’s outcome were determined according to his inherent nature, no one could be saved. If it were really so, where would God’s righteousness be? It would not be seen. You all have misunderstood God’s meaning.” God’s judging and disclosing words went straight to my heart, and I sobered up all at once. I realized that my viewpoint was really too erroneous and ridiculous. God is righteous. No matter what commissions God gives to us, it is God giving us a chance to be perfected. God will not determine people’s outcome according to their expressions. Although those who are leaders express more corruptions, if they pursue the truth, they will have more chances to be perfected and will be transformed more rapidly. Moreover, God’s family replaces a person by principles. In retrospect, those failures of the past fell simply because they did not pursue the truth or the transformation of their nature; and it was not their commission as a leader that brought them to ruin. But I, a blind and muddled person, did not draw lessons from the failures to warn myself, but instead, I measured God’s work by my worldly viewpoint, thinking that “the rafter sticking out rots first.” I was purely misunderstanding God’s intention, denying God’s righteousness, and even more tremendously blaspheming God. Having thought of this, I deeply felt that I had misunderstood God’s intention and broken God’s heart. I could not help kneeling down before God: “O Almighty God! I am too blind and ignorant. Although I have followed you up to now, I do not have any knowledge of your righteous nature. I thought that you would determine people’s outcome according to their expressed corruptions and that the more a person was a leader, the more he was one to be eliminated. Over such a long time, I held on to this viewpoint, playing petty tricks and following in a muddled way. As a result, I fell into darkness and lost the drive to go forward. O God, thank you for your inspiration, which has made me realize that such a viewpoint of mine is too absurd. Otherwise, I would continue to live in my misunderstanding about you, being passive and regressing, and finally, I would bring myself to ruin. From now on, I am willing to correct my absurd viewpoint, exert all my strength in my duty, pursue to better satisfy you, and be one who has the will and progresses actively.
Shijiazhuang City, Hebei Province