Once when preaching the gospel, I was caught. Facing the great red dragon’s brutal and inhuman interrogation, I shrank and wavered: If I did not believe in God, I would not be in such a plight. If I cannot go back from this arrestment, who will take care of my young son? How could my wife support the family? How should they live in future? My heart was very distressed, and unknowingly my spirit became darkened: I’ll just confess everything I know, and so they may let me go home soon; at least, I will suffer less physical torture. But then I thought, “If I betray the church and the brothers and sisters, won’t I become a Judas? Then will I still be a human? But…”
The minutes dragged along. In perplexity, I suddenly remembered God’s words: “Between luxury and poverty, you have chosen the former. Between your children, wives, or husbands and me, you have chosen the former. … In the face of your various kinds of evil deeds, I simply lose confidence in you and I am simply shocked as to how hard it is for your hearts to be softened. My years of painstaking effort have actually been repaid with your giving up of me and reluctance toward me. Yet my expectation of you grows day by day, because my day has been fully revealed before everyone. However, you are now still pursuing dark and evil things and are unwilling to let them go. So, what will your outcome be like? Have you ever thought about this seriously?” God’s words went straight to my heart, and I felt as if waking from a dream. In the past, I said with my lips that I would love God and satisfy God, and I made so many pledges of faithfulness to God. But now at this critical moment, my heart is wrapped by the flesh, selfish desires, and emotions. I not only did not seek God’s intention in such a circumstance, but I even wanted to rebel against God and betray God for the sake of my flesh and family. Only then did I realize that my faithfulness to God was only on my lips but in reality I had no faith in God at all. I felt unbearably ashamed: For us, God has been incarnated and paid a high price. Why am I so selfish that I always plan for myself? Can’t I hold the testimony for God and let God gain glory in me at this critical moment? I can’t let God down. I can’t yield to the great red dragon.
Two days later, I was fetched for another interrogation. Although I was in unbearable pain under the cruel torture of the great red dragon, God inspired and guided me within all the time: “You should suffer for the truth, devote yourself for the truth, endure endure humiliations for the truth, and endure more and more afflictions for gaining more truths. This is what you should do. Do not discard the truth for enjoying the harmony of your family. Do not lose your life-long dignity and lose your life-long personality for temporary enjoyment. …” Once again, God’s words became my support. I silently sang this hymn in my heart. Suddenly, I felt my strength redoubled and there was an incomparable sweetness in my spirit. The pain was also alleviated a lot. I prayed to God again: “O God! Today, my everything is in your hand. I am willing to fully consecrate myself to you. Even if you let me die, I will hold the testimony for you.” Seeing that they could not get anything through the interrogation, the great red dragon exasperatedly resorted to the most sordid means. When I was so painful as to wish to die, the words of a hymn came to my mind: “My head can be cut off and my blood can be shed, but I will be with the moral fiber as one of God’s people, with God’s commission on my mind….” I knew that was God’s charge to me, so I made up my mind inwardly: No matter how much suffering my flesh may undergo, even if I will have just one breath left, I will still satisfy God. Finally, the great red dragon was put to shame and had to release me.
Having experienced this circumstance, I saw I was really pitiable. I had eaten and drunk so many words of God, yet when encountering things I was at a loss what to do; what I considered was only my personal interests, and what I expressed was only my selfish inherent nature. If God’s words had not guided me and been my motivating force and my ever-present help, I would only have brought destruction upon myself and become a laughingstock of satan and a puppet of history, and would thus have become one forever rejected by God. It was God’s practical work that exposed me and enabled me to see my true stature, my selfish and greedy satanic inherent nature, and even more the contemptible, fierce, and cruel ugly features of the great red dragon. It was God’s words that gave me the breath of life, so that I had the strength and courage to break through the power of darkness and to pursue the bright human life. In the persecution of this time, although my flesh had undergone many sufferings, my spirit received consolation. So, I now feel all the more the kindness and loveliness of God and the preciousness of God’s word.
Yumen City, Gansu Province