I was not married, but my heart was full of ugly and evil things. Whenever I was together with the opposite sex, some improper thoughts would come to my mind. Although I did my utmost to forsake my evil thoughts in performing my duty, yet when I was free or walked on the road alone, my heart would again be occupied by those filthy things in spite of itself, and I could not overcome them no matter how hard I tried. I had no choice but to bring this state before God to pray and seek, beseeching God to curse me severely. Because I feared that God would really curse me, I no longer thought of those evil things, and I also felt relieved. After a time, however, those thoughts welled up again and disturbed me so terribly that I couldn’t quiet myself before God.
Because of that, I often felt vexed: It seems that I am finished. In the face of so severe judgment from God, these filthy and corrupt things in me still keep welling up stubbornly. I’m really a descendant of Moab, a son of satan, and there is no hope for me to be saved. The Holy Spirit will not work on such a filthy and evil person as me, and one day I will be eliminated by God. Rather than this, I’d better return to the world to get married and live a worldly life. Yet at the thought of leaving God, I felt as if a knife were being twisted in my heart, and I could not help shedding tears. If I leave God, even if I would have owned everything in the world, I would still live in emptiness where my life would only be painful and meaningless. There are only two ways for the human life: either to follow God to walk toward light or to follow satan to go to destruction. I am willing to follow God, but I have been corrupted by satan so deeply that my heart is often occupied by filthy and evil things, and I always fail to live up to God’s desire. What should I do?
Just like that, I always felt that I could never be transformed and had no hope of being saved, yet I dared not leave God. I was forced to sustain myself in a passive and distressful state.
One day, in Christ’s Talks with Some Church Workers, I read these words of God: “Some people think that after they have experienced judgment and chastisement, and dealing and pruning, or after their true self has been revealed, things are over and their outcomes are fixed. Most people cannot see through this matter, and they are all stuck here, not knowing how to walk the path ahead. … Why do people judge themselves in such a way? It proves that people still do not understand God’s intention to save man. … People do not understand God’s intention and this shows that they still have no knowledge of God’s work. In fact, in the normal entering, people sometimes manifest some corrupt nature; …this is a very natural matter, and this is an inevitable law. Without these expressions, how can they be said to be a corrupt mankind? If mankind had not been corrupted, the salvation work God does would be meaningless. … In the beginning of experiencing, no one knows himself. Finally, people all come to know themselves, saying, ‘Oh, I’m just the devil, satan! Man is exactly the devil, satan. Now I’m finished again. I cannot be saved. I have no chance or any room to be saved.’” “God’s purpose is to save man. And man’s nature can’t possibly be without any expression at all, but you should pay attention to repenting and getting transformed timely. Then won’t you satisfy God’s heart? Some people do not believe this and always take a guarded attitude toward God. Such people will suffer loss sooner or later.”
God’s words gave me great comfort and also gave me confidence. Ah, Yes! One who has been corrupted by satan to extreme filthiness can’t possibly be without the expression of his corrupted nature. God reveals my corrupt substance in order for me to know myself, to hate myself, and then to forsake my corrupt nature by relying on God and his word, so that I will not follow my own thoughts to fall down, but do my utmost to make progress and pursue the truth, walk step by step onto the path of being perfected under God’s guidance, and in the end live out the likeness of a real man. Only this is God’s intention. And it’s not that God will reveal me and then eliminate me. However, I did not understand God’s considerate intention but misunderstood God. I was often restrained and plagued by the expression of my corruptions, and was always overanxious for a quick result that I could be transformed in a short time. When I saw I gained little transformation in my corruption of this aspect, I lost my confidence and concluded that I was not one to be saved. From this I saw that I had no will to pursue making progress, had no perseverance, and I was also so weak that I would easily get passive, discouraged, and disappointed. I was really a coward!
At the moment, I felt very enlightened in my heart and had the direction in which I go forward. O God! From now on, I am willing to eat and drink more of your words directed at my corrupt nature, try to understand more of your intention, forsake my evil nature resolutely, pursue my nature transformation in performing my duty, make myself gradually become strong, persevering, and confident in constant entering, and strive to live out the likeness of a real man to shame the old satan.
Longnan Prefecture, Gansu Province