I am a person with a strong desire for position. In performing my duty, I often expressed corruptions of this aspect, and was often disciplined by God because of pursuing position. Every time my ugly self was exposed, I felt a deep hatred of it, and from the bottom of my heart I wanted to get transformed. Moreover, I made a resolution before God: Hereafter I will not pursue position anymore but live only for satisfying God. I thought I had been somewhat transformed in this aspect.
A few days later, the small-district leader was to convey the new light to us several church leaders. When the meeting began, one church leader had not come, but I didn’t take it to heart at that time. When we had a break, the small-district leader told us that she had already had a meeting with her assistant and XX (the church leader absent) the day before. On hearing her words, I felt uneasy all over and pondered inwardly, “Why was XX asked to have the meeting with the assistant? Are they going to train XX to be an assistant? She is only a green hand and has no experience. How can she be trained?” The more I thought, the more I was unconvinced. Am I not better than her in every aspect? Why do they not train me? At that moment, I was aware that my desire for position was at work again. I immediately relied on God to rebel against my wrong intent within. Nevertheless, I became a little passive in my heart, thinking, “How come I am still pursuing position? God has disciplined me so many times, the leader has also criticized me many times, and I have also made a resolution. How come I have relapsed into my old sickness again? It seems that I can never be transformed and I am not worth saving.” At that time I clearly knew my thought was wrong, but I could not correct it. I had no choice but to fellowship with others about my state. While the leader fellowshipped with me about God’s intention, she found me these words of God: “You should not expect to achieve quick results in pursuing life. Growth of life is not a matter of one or two days. … This is especially true with people in the country of the great red dragon who have poor qualities. God has to speak and work for a long time. So do not be anxious to see results.” “Whether you are involuntary or your disobedient inherent nature comes out, remember: Wake up promptly after the matter! Strive to make progress. Whatever situation occurs, just strive to make progress. What God does is the work to save man and he will not casually strike down those he wants to save.” God’s words gave me great comfort, and made me understand that I, born in the country of the great red dragon, poor in quality, and having been most deeply corrupted by satan, can’t possibly avoid expressing my corrupt nature, nor can I be completely transformed within a short time. As long as I rebel against my wrong intents within as soon as they occur, do not do things according to my corrupt nature, and do my utmost to make progress, I will surely be able to be saved by God. If now I give up the practicing of the truth, I will really be completely hopeless. Whether my nature can be transformed does not depend on my expression of it, but on whether I can rebel against my flesh and practice the truth to satisfy God when I express it. However, I was always overanxious for quick results and always wanted to be transformed in a short time. When I saw no result of transformation, I became passive. I knew too little about how deeply I have been corrupted. When I thought of this, my heart was brightened. Thank God for revealing his intention to me in time so that I could come out of the passive state.
Dandong City, Liaoning Province