The Years I Put Myself Out on Behalf of My Daughter
Yang Yuqing, Japan
I was born in a small village in China, and grew up there living an ordinary, simple life. Because my family was poor, I had to go to work in a big city after finishing junior high school at the age of 16. At the age of 17, I met my ex-husband, who is 12 years older than me. At the time, the concern and care he showed for me was like the sheltering protection I got from my father and the fraternal love that my older brother showed me. I felt that I was very lucky to have met him, and I was very happy. One day, his mother came over especially to see me. I thought that she would be glad to see me, and so I was surprised when, on seeing that I was pretty and much younger than her son, she immediately suspected that I had some ulterior motive for dating him. Right in front of me, she said to her son: “Aren’t you afraid that she’s up to no good?” I felt very sad and upset to hear her say that, and was at a loss. My ex-husband replied in an angry tone of voice: “Mom, if you think you can split us up you can shove off!” I was stunned to hear him say this sort of stuff. He’d always seemed to be a gentle guy, and now he was getting furious at his mother in order to protect our relationship. I was very touched by this, and thought that it meant that his love for me was real and that I’d found true love. Later on, I married him and gave birth to a daughter, even though our parents were opposed to the idea. But, to my complete surprise, within a few short years he changed into a totally different person. He started drinking, whoring, and gambling, and in no time at all had blown through all of our savings and landed himself in debt as well. At my wit’s end, I gave our daughter to my mother-in-law to look after and went out to work to make money to pay off the debt. But no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much money I made, he would take it and gamble it away. We ended up arguing every day and finally I couldn’t take it anymore and moved out. I originally wanted to take our daughter with me and move away from that place where I’d known so much heartache, but my ex-husband didn’t allow it. He said that he’d only hand over our daughter if I gave him 200,000 RMB.
I was worried that my ex-husband would find another partner and that my daughter would be bullied by her. I also wanted to take my daughter so that I could put her into a good school and give her a good education and a bright future. So I agreed to pay my ex-husband the 200,000 RMB. But I hadn’t worked for a few years, and had no way to quickly get such a large sum of money, so I started to work as hard as I could to make money. It was during this period that my mother and elder sister both accepted’s work of . They also urged me to and rely on God, but I didn’t have the inclination and remained totally focused on making money. All that concerned me was getting together the 200,000 RMB as quickly as possible so that I could get my daughter back. But what I never imagined was that when I paid my ex-husband the 200,000 RMB he still refused to give me our daughter and demanded 500,000 RMB, and tried to justify his greed with all sorts of reasons.
As a result of not being able to get my daughter back I began to drink every day to drown my sorrows and I became like a zombie. But so that my daughter could have a good future, I once again agreed to my ex-husband’s irrational terms and began the struggle to reach the 500,000 RMB target. I became a total slave to money, and worked day and night. It was during this time that I took a job in a Japanese restaurant, and that’s where I met my current husband. Because of the way my ex-husband had hurt me, I had lost all hope of re-marrying. But my new man was kind and gentle, and didn’t mind that I had a daughter, so I married him and came to live in Japan. After I arrived in Japan, my daughter, thinking that I didn’t want to be with her, started calling me daily. She would cry down the phone and say that she hated me and that I wasn’t a good mother. My daughter’s words were like a knife in my heart. What I wanted to say was: “Daughter, why can’t you understand how I feel? It’s not that I don’t want you. Your father won’t let me take you!” At the time, I made a pledge to myself that I’d get my daughter back. After that, I started to work even harder, and nothing occupied my mind except money and my daughter: I had to reach the target of 500,000 RMB so that I could bring my daughter to live in Japan. But when I finally got the money together and asked my ex-husband to send me his bank account details so that I could wire the money to him, he demanded 1 million RMB. My ex-husband’s continuous deceit saddened me greatly. I thought about how hard I’d worked over the last few years to get my daughter back, but all I’d gotten back was deceit and pain. In fact, I’d exhausted myself so much that all I could do now was stay at home and recuperate. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I was full of resentment, and felt that life was bitter and exhausting …
During this period, my mother and elder sister, seeing how I lived so miserably, again urged me to believe in God. They told me that I could only get rid of the suffering if I went before God and relied on Him. But I was still pre-occupied with the whole thing with my daughter and still didn’t have the inclination to believe in God. One time later on, I returned to China, and my mother once again earnestly urged me to have faith and trust in God and not to fight against my destiny. My mother said: “The heavens and earth and all things have been made by God and we humans also come from God. Our destinies are all in God’s hands, but you don’t believe in God’s rule. You hurry and bustle around thinking that you can do it all yourself. You keep on rebelling against God and refusing God’s. You want to control your own destiny, but this will only make you suffer even more. You think that all it takes is money to get your daughter back. You’ve struggled all these years, but to what avail? Has your wish come true? You should seriously consider whether or not our destinies are really in our hands. Yuqing, have faith and trust in God! Only God can save us from suffering!” After saying all this, my mother read out a passage of Almighty God’s words for me: “If one’s attitude toward God’s sovereignty over human fate is active, then when one looks back upon one’s journey, when one truly comes to grips with God’s sovereignty, one will more earnestly desire to submit to everything that God has arranged, will have more of the determination and confidence to let God orchestrate one’s fate, to stop rebelling against God. For one sees that when one does not comprehend fate, when one does not understand God’s sovereignty, when one gropes forward willfully, staggering and tottering, through the fog, the journey is too difficult, too heartbreaking. So when people recognize God’s sovereignty over human fate, the smart ones choose to know it and accept it, to bid farewell to the painful days when they tried to build a good life with their own two hands, instead of continuing to struggle against fate and pursue their so-called life goals in their own manner. When one has no God, when one cannot see Him, when one cannot clearly recognize God’s sovereignty, every day is meaningless, worthless, miserable. Wherever one is, whatever one’s job is, one’s means of living and the pursuit of one’s goals bring one nothing but endless heartbreak and irrelievable suffering, such that one cannot bear to look back. Only when one accepts the Creator’s sovereignty, submits to His orchestrations and arrangements, and seeks true human life, will one gradually break free from all heartbreak and suffering, shake off all the emptiness of life” (“God Himself, the Unique III” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). These words of God really touched my heart, and all the scenes of me putting myself out for my daughter flashed before my eyes. All these years I’d been giving free rein to my character and “groping forward willfully.” For the sake of my daughter I’d given my all to make money, never stopping to rest. I’d born enormous stress at work, my husband’s irrational bullying, my daughter’s misunderstandings, and my own longings and worries for her. All this had worn me down both physically and mentally, making me extremely miserable, and only I knew just how deep this sadness, pain and suffering really went. Now, Almighty God was describing the source of my pain with great clarity, and I was finally coming to understand that the reason for my suffering and pain was that I didn’t know whom the fate of every living person is controlled by. I’d always wanted to rely on my own efforts to improve my daughter’s destiny, but no matter how hard I tried it was all to no avail. All I’d done was to make myself suffer, and I’d ended up bruised and battered. At that moment, I thought to myself: “Should I really just stop for a while and quietly reflect on my life so far? Should I hand over control of my destiny to God and submit to whatever He arranges for me? Where should I go from here? Where will my spirit finally find a safe harbor in which to shelter and rest?”