During the period of my preaching the gospel, I always felt very bitter and tired because I ran around busily every day but the new believers still had endless notions and problems to be solved. Thus I always envied those brothers and sisters who had no duties to perform: How relaxed they are when they perform no duties! They don’t need to run here and there or deal with troublesome matters. From then on, I expected that I could have a time to stop working and have a good rest.
Later, when in adjusting the work, the leader asked me to wait at the host home to be informed. I was overjoyed and thought that I at last could drop my burden and relax. In the first few days, I still continued eating and drinking God’s word, learning to sing hymns, and writing articles. But as time went on, I could not bear to stay in the host home. I ate and drank God’s word aimlessly and felt empty and bored and uneasy all over. The scenes of cheering and laughing with my family and the sights of being cared for by my parents always floated before my eyes. Imperceptibly, I fell into darkness and felt very desolate and lonely living in others’ house. Every day, I sat there in a trance, and my distress within was indescribable. Many times I wanted to cry out aloud, but there was no suitable place. I could only have a tearful face.
When I was worn by pain almost to a breaking point, I read these words of God: “…receive God’s commission, it is for the purpose that you will have ways ahead. The more burden you have for God, the more easily you will be perfected by God. … Now some people have no burden for the church, are slothful, and only care for their own flesh. These are too selfish people and are blind people. If you cannot see through this, you will have no burden. … Selfish people are not willing to … pay the price. As a result, they miss the opportunities to be perfected by God. Aren’t they ruining themselves?” I also read these words in the man’s fellowship: “Only expending ourselves for God is practically experiencing God’s word, knowing God’s word, and entering into God’s word. In expending ourselves for God, we will receive the Holy Spirit’s inspiration and enlightenment as well as God’s pruning and dealing, which will be more helpful for us to know ourselves more deeply and enter into the deeper truths gradually. In expending ourselves for God, we enjoy God’s grace most and enter into the truth fastest, and our nature gets transformed most realistically and with obvious results.”
Carefully pondering over these words, I could not help asking myself: Why have I now fallen into darkness and been tortured and fooled by satan? Isn’t it because I have no duty to perform and then indulge my flesh? When in performing my duty in the past, I recalled, I was bustling about and had no time to rest because of various problems arising, but at that time I was peaceful in spirit and reaped a lot in life. Because of being busy with my duty, I had no time to care about the fleshly things and thus could break free from the trap of emotions. Because of encountering various problems to be solved, I had to quiet my heart before God and eat and drink God’s word with an aim, and thus I gained a little real knowledge of some truths. Due to my contacting various kinds of people in performing duty, I saw the corruptions and deficiencies in me: being malicious, being perfunctory, having no faith or perseverance, and so on. Thus I could have an aim to pursue my nature transformation and start to make up for my shortages…. All these were gained from performing my duty. However, I did not cherish God’s blessing but always coveted ease and comfort and showed no care for God’s intention, so I missed one chance after another to be perfected by God. I was too blind. It was really that I was in the blessing yet failed to appreciate it! At that moment, I was very regretful and truly experienced that having duty to perform was God’s blessing. Immediately, a strong desire, “expecting God’s uplifting to come upon me again,” which had never appeared before, flooded my mind.
Not long afterward, God’s family assigned me a new work. Thank God for his blessing. I will cherish this opportunity, and no longer consider my flesh and seek ease and comfort. I will go all out to perform my duty and offer up my loyalty to satisfy God.
Mianyang City, Sichuan Province