I Am Really Too Devoid of Sense
One early morning, when I just got up, the elderly brother of the host family, with a pair of newly-made cotton-padded shoes in his hand, said kindly to me, “It’s getting cold. Take care not to get frostbite in the feet. Put on these cotton-padded shoes.” Looking at the shoes, I, however, had a train of demands in my heart: “The elderly brother knows to care for me when it is cold, but the leader hasn’t come to see me over quite a long time. It seems that she has left me here. I am far away from home, and perform my duty abroad all the year round. The leader in any case should ask about how I’m getting on with my living here and whether I have clothes to wear. …” The more I thought about it, the more I felt distressed. Insensibly I lapsed into darkness.
During my spiritual devotions, I by chance opened The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations to the piece, “Man Has Too Many Demands on God,” and read these words: “…of the ideas and thoughts and all the demands that arise within men, none is compatible with God…. Some people think: I have worked so many years and I can’t go home, so God should take care of my clothing and my eating, … should show me more care. … Why don’t you ponder whether it is right for you to make these demands on God? Are these things what you deserve? Are they what God has promised to give you?” Facing God’s words, I felt ashamed and wanted to sink through the ground. Isn’t what these words disclose just my true state? What I expressed were unreasonable demands on God, but I, numb and disobedient, was utterly unconscious of that. Instead, I thought that since I performed my duty away from home, God’s family should take care of me, and even more, the leader should be always concerned about me. Outwardly I made the demands on the leader, but was I not actually making unreasonable demands on God? I thought that since I believed in God and expended for God, God’s family should look after my everything. I am really too devoid of sense! To perform duty is the obligation and responsibility that every created being should fulfill; he should bargain over no terms, seek no rewards, and have no demands. The help God’s family gives me is God’s love to me, not what I deserve. O God, thank you that your exposing and the disclosure of your words have opened my eyes to my shameless manner. In your words, I have seen that these demands arising in me are hateful to you and even more are hidden dangers in the path of my belief in you. I will no longer stick with my wrong ideas and have unreasonable demands of you. I will correct my wrong knowledge and viewpoint, pursue the truth with all my might, and fulfill my bounden duty in a down-to-earth manner and in obscurity.
Xinzhou City, Shanxi Province