I Bowed My Haughty Head
I used to be a Catholic nun. I had received more than ten years of closed conventual education, and had also taken a vow to God in a solemn ritual: “Love no one else but God only. Remain celibate and serve the Lord all my life and never change until death.” Because of this, I thought that in this evil age I was the only one who remained undefiled and was pure as jade and clean as ice. After I accepted God’s end-time work, whenever I was with other sisters, I felt proud in my heart: You are all married, and I alone am different (not filthy). God is most pleased with virgins like me. Later, I read these words of God: “You people are all descendants of Moab. … You all live in the evil and licentious place and are all licentious and evil people. …” I was quite unconvinced. I thought: God’s words overstated the case too much. It is impossible that everyone is so corrupt; at least, I am not such a person. Not until later God exposed me by a fact did I bow my haughty head and yield to God’s words.
In April 2002, uplifted by God, I joined a first-line gospel-preaching team, where I often cooperated with the brothers in working. I discovered that one of them fellowshipped about the truth clearly and was understanding. Gradually, I felt a mild affection for him. I always wanted to go to him for fellowship when I had difficulties, and I always wished to be with him. If I did not see him for a couple of days, I would have a sense of loss. What’s more, in my heart I didn’t want to call him uncle anymore (the brother was much older than me) but only wanted to call him elder brother. In particular, when I once heard his voice on the phone, my heart went pit-a-pat. I felt as if he were standing before me, and I held the phone as if holding his hand. I only felt limp all over, and I even didn’t know what to say. In a spoiled tone I said “Er” several times but failed to make a sentence. Finally, I managed to say all the things incoherently. Having put down the phone, I was dumbfounded. I recollected the tone of my voice when I spoke just now, which sounded as if I had changed into another person. It’s really surprising. How could I have had such an expression before a brother? It’s really disgusting! Then I thought back to myself in this period of time: When I ate and drank God’s word, I could never be quiet, his figure often floating in my mind, and his voice of speaking or singing ringing in my ears every now and then. Even on the road on which I was going to perform my duty, I looked around from time to time, always hoping to meet him…. Only then did I realize that I had been completely occupied by him and had sunk into the mire of evil passions and lusts, unable to extricate myself.
Having returned to the host home, I opened the book of God’s word and read these words: “You people are all descendants of Moab. … You all live in the evil and licentious place and are all licentious and evil people. …” I felt ashamed. Remaining celibate all my life does not mean that I am not of sin. Taking an oath to God does not represent that I have no evil passions and lusts. Outward restriction cannot cover up the substance of my soul. And the restraint of regulations cannot purge the filthiness in my heart. At that moment, I bowed my haughty head and only wished to look for a hole to crawl into. O God, your exposing has made me see my true self clearly. It turns out that I am also so filthy and am also so evil in the depths of my soul, without any difference from others. O God! Your word is absolute truth and everyone, young or old in age, low or high in position, married or unmarried, can be related to it. Today I am convinced in heart, in mouth, and in eyes, for I am just one of such people.
Nanyang City, Henan Province