I Had No God in My Heart
In mid-January 2003, due to the needs of the work of God’s family, I was assigned to a faraway place to perform a duty. After the matter was settled, the Spring Festival was drawing near. Just when I impatiently prepared to go back to spend the New Year, the leader informed me: “As the situation is not good, don’t come back for the time being.” At this word, my heart skipped a beat and sank all at once, and my whole body became like a soft noodle. I sat there for quite a while before I recovered myself. I thought: New Year is only a few days away. Do I have to stay here? The auntie is not at home and I even have no one to talk with. Instantly, a feeling of loneliness and desolation came over me. I felt the leader’s arrangement was too inconsiderate. She let me stay here alone and uncared for…. The more I thought, the sadder I felt; the more I thought, the worse I felt.
On New Year’s Eve, I leaned on the windowsill, looking out of the window. As I was hearing the happy laughter of children at play and the deafening sound of firecrackers, my heart already flew back to my hometown far away: At this moment, my wife and children must be expecting me to go home to reunite with them…. As I thought and thought, tears streamed down my cheeks…. Just when I felt extremely lonely and desolate, there was a guidance inside me: What are you distressed about? Isn’t it nothing but that you are not allowed to go home to reunite with your family? Have you ever thought of God? My heart was startled. Yes! God was incarnated and came to the world and has been doing his work for many years, enduring the suffering of being separated from the Father to save man in obscurity. He not only hasn’t received love from man, but on the contrary, he meets with man’s resistance, misunderstanding, and rejection. Is God not lonely? And who has ever thought of God? At the moment, I suddenly remembered the hymn of God’s words “Who Has Ever Understood God’s Heart,” and then I sang softly: “God has given his everything to you without any reservation without any reservation, to you without any reservation. He has never enjoyed has never enjoyed the splendor of the world, the warmth of the world, the love of the world, or the blessings and happiness of the world. He has never enjoyed all the riches of the earth. He has fully dedicated his heart to men. … As a normal man, who does not have a romantic childhood? Who does not have a colorful youth? Who does not have the warmth from his dear ones from his dear ones? Who does not have the tender affection from his relatives and friends? Who does not have a warm family? Who does not have the comfort from his bosom friends? But when has he ever enjoyed any of these? Who has ever forborne forborne with him? Who has ever shared the days of suffering together with him? Who has ever shared the miserable living of the human life together with him the human life together with him? …” As I was singing, I choked with sobs. God is so great, noble, and holy. Today, to save us filthy and corrupt people, God bears extremely great humiliation and comes to the earth to suffer together with us. Who can understand God’s heart? And who can become God’s close friend? Simply because God’s family did not arrange for me a host home to my liking and did not satisfy my desire of going home, I, a tiny creature, felt so distressed, desolate, and lonely, and even had critical views of the arrangement of God’s family, thinking that the leader was too harsh on me. When have I ever thought of God’s feelings? Only at this moment did I see that my heart had been fully occupied by my wife and children and had no place for God at all. At the same time, I also understood why God hates the festivals of the world. This is because on New Year’s Day or other festivals, people all focus their hearts on their family members and have long cast God behind. Isn’t this grieving and hateful to God? Am I not precisely such a person? What God hates and loathes I thought constantly of. When I was not allowed to go home to spend the “New Year” which God loathes, I even shed tears. Do I have any flavor of belief in God? When I thought of this, my heart was filled with indebtedness to God and self-reproach. I could not help kneeling down on my knees: “O God! Thank you for arranging such a situation to expose me, so I have seen that I only believed in you with my lips, but in fact I did not have you in my heart at all. Although I have followed you until today, my viewpoint of seeing things has not changed, and I still seek after the family reunion as the worldly people do. Thanks to your wonderful manipulation and arrangement, I have felt a little of your feeling of grief, and at the same time, I have also realized that it is the most meaningful and most valuable thing that I can suffer together with you.”
Wuhu City, Anhui Province