I Had No Reality of Obeying God
In 1999, I accepted the end-time gospel of the Almighty God. Although I was poor in qualities and old, God didn’t reject me and still gave me burdens continually. At first I was assigned to be a leader of a small group, and later to be the gospel deacon in the church. After a period of time, I was given a commission to grope for gospel clues and preach the gospel. My enthusiasm became greater and greater, and my work was also quite effective. I always felt that I could never love God enough; and I thought: As God has so uplifted me, I will offer to God all that I can do, so as to comfort God.
Just when I wanted to go all out to do the work, one day the leader told me, “Because of the need of safeguarding the circumstance, you have to experience at home for the time being.” At that time I thought: It’s all right to stay at home for some time. This won’t be long, anyway. I shall obey God’s control and arrangement. But I never expected that I would have to stay at home for as long as one year. I therefore had misgivings within: Is it that God has rejected me? Am I now a useless person? What can I get from experiencing at home? At that time, I was not willing to accept the fact anymore; I only hoped that God would let me “resume my old job” some day. Later, I met a sister and she told me that it was even more impossible for me to go out under that present situation. My dream was completely shattered. Gradually, I felt down in my spirit. Domestic trivialities arose all together, which stirred me to be so upset that I had a stronger feeling to escape the reality.
One day, I opened the book of God’s word, and I read these words: “Those who disobey God are all the ones who cannot enter into the actual life, who talk about humanity with their mouth but live out devilish nature, and who talk about the truth with their mouth but live out doctrines. Those who cannot live out the truth in the actual life are all the ones who believe in God but are rejected by God.” I also read God’s words: “If you can work for God and yet you do not obey God and cannot truly love God, then you not only have failed to fulfill your duty as a created being but will even be condemned by God, because you are one who does not have the truth, you are one who cannot obey God, and you are one who disobeys God. You only pay attention to working for God but pay no attention to practicing the truth or knowing yourself, you do not understand or know the Creator and do not obey or love the Creator, and you are one who is disobedient to God by nature. So the Creator does not like such a person.” After reading these words of God, I began to ponder. O God! Am I not a person who is unwilling to obey you? Am I not a person living in vagueness? Wherever you put me, isn’t it most proper for me? O God! I made demands of you and this shows clearly that I had no reason, and that I had very serious notions and very deep misunderstandings about you. I always thought that I could be perfected by you if I performed my duty outside, and that if I performed duty at home, it would not be easy for me to be perfected by you. Now I see that I am not a person submissive to you but one who disobeys and resists you. O God, it is your word that has exposed my notions. I will learn to be obedient in your presence and be a person who pays attention to practicing the truth, and do everything based on obedience to you but not on my own will and preferences, so as to truly satisfy you.
From then on, I never again had this or that thought; on the contrary, I gradually found that it was very necessary that God let me experience at home, for I had indeed learned many lessons from the big and small matters I encountered at home. Not only were my deficiencies in humanity made up, but at the same time, my corrupt nature of disobedience was also exposed by God. As I recall now, everything God arranges for me is the best and is my present need.
Xuzhou City, Jiangsu Province