Because of the need of the work, God’s family assigned me to go to the urban area to perform my duty. When I arrived at the host home, the sister looked me up and down and smiled without saying anything. Her expression made me feel very disconcerted. I thought, “She must dislike me because I am plainly-dressed and dark-faced, and am a countrywoman. Ay! What kind of place this is, but I’m still dressed like this. How could she not look at me with that eye?” At that time, I was so constrained that I did not know how to behave myself, feeling very distressed in my heart. Later, when I walked in the street and saw those young boys and girls and rich ladies wearing fashionable clothes, I could not help flinging glances at them, full of envy, imagining that I would also look beautiful if I wore such clothes. When I passed a fashion shop and saw the great variety of fashionable dresses in it, I involuntarily thought, “If only I could enter and buy two dresses and put them on!” After I walked far away from the shop, I still looked back at it with wistfulness. When I got to the host home and saw the clothes contributed by the brothers and sisters, I always rummaged through them and wanted to pick two dresses that suited me. Sometimes, I even could not help trying on some. So my heart was occupied by those vain things. A period of time passed; I failed to improve the gospel work and also failed to arrange the outward affairs properly. At one meeting, the leader perceived that my state was not good, so she asked me what I pursued in this period. I was unwilling to say for fear that others would know my ugliness. In the end, under her patient fellowship I told my state. Then, in light of my state she opened the book of God’s word and read: “Look at the delicate young ladies among you. All are dressed as pretty as flower and jade, and compare with each other. In what? Not in enjoyment? … You think you are extremely beautiful. Even though you are gorgeously dressed, aren’t you still a maggot born and wriggling in the dunghill? Today you are privileged to enjoy this heavenly blessing, which is an exceptional uplifting of you and is not for the sake of your ‘pretty face.’ Don’t you know what birth you are of? When it comes to life, you remain silent, like a wooden chicken. How can you have the face to indulge in dressing? Have the heart to paint and powder yourself!” Listening to God’s words of judgment, I felt my face burning. I saw that I had really been so corrupted by satan that I did not have the likeness of a man. I lived in satan’s fooling and became its plaything and laughingstock. I have believed in God for several years, yet my nature has not been transformed in the slightest. What I pursued were still the dark and evil things. The disclosure of God’s words made me feel too ashamed to show my face, especially these words: “How can such a person have the face to come before me? As you have such a humanity, showing off your charm, exhibiting your flesh, and always living in the lust of your flesh, aren’t you the offspring of unclean spirits and evil spirits?” These words pierced my heart like a sharp two-edged sword and made me see that I was just a cheap person God speaks about. I sought to have good clothes and dress up beautifully. Was my purpose not to draw people’s glances and show off my charm and indulge my flesh? God’s words made me realize that my personality was low and my inherent nature was evil, and know that what I pursued were the debased things nauseating and loathsome to God. I was so filthy. I was really unworthy to come before God.
Before I was exposed by God, I considered that I was superior to others and did not have the vain inherent nature. Now, in the presence of the truth, I have seen my ugly self. Thank God for his timely salvation, which has caused me to wake up completely, come out of the dense fog, and correct my viewpoint of pursuing. From now on, I will rebel against my flesh, drop those vain things, and pursue the truth to have my nature transformed.
Bengbu City, Anhui Province