I Have No Ability to Live Independently
In July 2003, God’s family assigned me to revise the communication articles on life experience. After some time, because the leader was busy with her work and did not come to fellowship with us, I became passive, thinking, “In the past, I could contact the brothers and sisters and have many meetings and much fellowship with them. And when I had difficulties or fell into a bad state, I could go to the leader for some fellowship. But now it is difficult even to see her….” The more I thought about it, the more I became distressed. I lived in painful refining. I had no choice but to come before God to seek and pray: O God, I know that any circumstance you arrange for me is good, but today when you put me in this circumstance and let me perform this duty, I don’t know what your intention is. May you inspire and guide me so that I can understand your intention….
One morning, when I ate and drank God’s word, I read these words: “You must have the ability to live independently, able to eat and drink God’s word on your own, able to experience God’s word by yourself, able to have a normal spiritual living without being led by others, and able to live by God’s word of today, enter into real experience, and have true seeing. Only thus can you stand.” Pondering over God’s words, I thought about myself: In my following God until today, I have never initiatively come before God to seek and live by God’s word. I have no ability to live independently but always rely on the leader. If the leader had a meeting with me and gave me some fellowship, it could sustain me for some time; but if she did not meet and fellowship with me over a period of time, I then became weak. When I was in a bad state or had some difficulty, I always waited for the leader to come and fellowship and help me solve my problem, but I was not willing to suffer and pay the price myself, even less willing to spend effort on God’s word to seek God’s inspiration and enlightenment. My inherent nature was too lazy and my dependent mind was too strong. Today, God lets me perform this duty so as to make up for my lack and exercise my ability to live independently, so that I can rely on God, live by God’s word, resolve my problems and difficulties with God’s word, and enter into real experience, and that I will be able to stand in the future trials by the truths I equip myself with today. However, I did not understand God’s intention, much less know to cherish this opportunity to be perfected; on the contrary, I became passive and weak and yearned for the past. I was really numb and obtuse and wasted God’s kind intention.
O God, thank you for your inspiration, which has made me understand your intention. From now on, whatever circumstances you may put me in and whatever difficulties I may encounter, I will initiatively come before you to seek, to look to you, and to rely on you. I will take your word as the foundation of my existence and fulfill my faithfulness in the commission given by you.
Changyi City, Shandong Province