I am only thirty-six, but I am very weak and cannot do any heavy work. Especially in winter, when I have a relapse of my tracheitis, I cough constantly. Thus, I often felt sorrow and pain at my terrible health.
One day at the breakfast table, I coughed again, unceasingly. My father said angrily to me, “You believe in God but you still have so many illnesses. Why hasn’t your God cured you? So zealously you believe in him!” At father’s words, I felt as if a knife were piercing my heart. On the way to performing my duty, I shed tears as I walked. I thought to myself: Why is my health so poor? Why is my fate so bad? No one else is so wretched as me. Even if nobody speaks about me, I myself take my condition too hard. However, now, father criticized me to my face; that’s too much for me. In pain, I silently prayed to God: O God, I feel very distressed about my illnesses, but I’m willing to seek to understand your intention in them. May you inspire me.
After my prayer, a passage of God’s word appeared in my mind: “…your everything, even the color of your hair, the color of your skin, and the time of your birth, were all arranged by my hand. … How much more was it arranged by me that you have been brought before me today. Do not disturb yourself but go forward boldly.” “From God’s many works, it can be seen that God loves people really so much. But people’s spiritual eyes have not completely opened, so they still cannot see clearly God’s many works, God’s intention, and God’s much loveliness, and they have too little true love for God. You have believed in God for so long, and today God has cut off all your ways of escape. Truthfully speaking, you have been forced to take the right path, and it is God’s severe judgment and God’s great salvation that have led you into the right path.”
God’s words, which are really specific medicine, comforted me and also stimulated me. My everything was arranged by God’s hand. That I have a bad constitution and have illnesses was also arranged by God’s hand, and it was even more God’s love and keeping for me. By the illnesses God wanted to cut off my ways of escape and compel me to take the right path. In retrospect, during the years of my following God, because I was of a weak constitution and had no capacity for physical labor, my family never looked to me to do any work nor opposed my believing in God, so that I could perform my duty contentedly in God’s family and that a path was made for me to pursue the true way. When I had the idea of going after the world, because I was ill and had no foothold in the world, I was forced to give up my worldly pursuit. When I was so refined that I wanted to leave God, also because of the illnesses in me, I had no other way to go and was forced to follow God until today. When I could not subdue my satanic nature of being arrogant and conceited and being unsubmissive to anyone, at the thought of my illnesses I was forced to “humble” myself before God…. Without the illnesses, I might have left God long since. How could I have followed God until today? Although my flesh has undergone a little suffering, I can be fortunate to stay in God’s family and receive God’s salvation and perfecting. This is the greatest blessing in my life.
Having thought of that, I felt from the bottom of my heart that God’s love for me is really so great and real. At the moment, I was moved by a mixture of feelings, remorse, self-reproach, and gratitude welling up in my heart, and tears blurred my vision once again. O God, I was really blind and ignorant. I did not know your work and did not understand your intention of saving me. I did not try to discover your loveliness from my illnesses; on the contrary, I misunderstood and complained against you. However, you had been silently enduring my misunderstanding and hurting you. And today you inspired me by your words so that I have finally understood your kind intention. O God, I will no longer disobey and grieve you and no longer be restrained by my fleshly illnesses. I only desire to expend myself for you in the rest of my life to repay your love. In the things I encounter in the future which are against my notions, I will pursue to know your work, seek your intention, and try to discover more of your loveliness.
Tieling City, Liaoning Province