Although I had been away from home performing my duty, I always missed my husband and daughter and always wanted to go home to enjoy family “warmth,” unable to put my heart into my work. Because of this, I felt very distressed. Especially when I saw that some brothers and sisters who had left their homes could expend themselves for God easily while I could never overcome in this regard, I uttered complaints: “God, I have left my home and have suffered from that. Why don’t you keep me? Why am I always homesick? Why are the brothers and sisters not homesick? Why do you grace them but not me?” Thus, I often lived in darkness.
Before long, I read God’s words: “… When seeing that someone who has come out of her home and left her husband and family, expends herself for God easily, they get depressed in their hearts: She has been away from home for so long a time; how has she overcome? What secrets does she have? Why can I never overcome? Why am I always homesick? Why can I never drop my family, husband, and children? In the end they even think: ‘Why does God grace her but not me? Why do I always miss my family? Why does the Holy Spirit not bestow grace upon me? Why is God not with me?’ What state is this? People are too devoid of sense. They themselves do not practice the truth but they complain against God. They do not subjectively make efforts and do what they should do, give up subjectively making their choice and taking the path they should take, and always demand that God do this or do that, asking God to always treat them graciously and always give them grace and guide them so that they can have enjoyment.” “Will the truth treat anyone unfairly? … If you really have the will to pursue life, will life shun you? If you do not have the truth, it is not because the truth ignores you but because you stay away from the truth; … if you fail to gain the light though you live in the light, it is not because the light fails to light you up but because you simply pay no attention to the existence of the light and thus the light leaves you quietly. If you do not pursue, this only means that you are a worthless cheap person, you do not have the courage to live, you do not have the spirit to rebel against the power of darkness, and you are too cowardly!”
Under the judgment of God’s words, I bowed my head in shame and shed tears of remorse. Yes, the truth does not treat anyone unfairly. Whoever pursues the truth can gain the truth, and whoever pursues life can gain life and live in the light. God is a righteous God; God blesses those who expend themselves for him body and heart, and God graces those who truly pursue life and subjectively cooperate with him. So, as for others who have left their families and careers, they can perform their duties contentedly without being homesick or being restrained by their emotion, because they practice the truth and cooperate with God and thus receive the care and keeping of the Holy Spirit. As for me, though I have come out of home to perform my duty, my heart has never been for God. All day long I considered my husband and daughter and lived in the torment of my emotion. And I never prayed or ate and drank God’s word with a true burden. Even though once in a while I received a little enlightenment in God’s word, I was unwilling to rebel against the power of darkness. I myself stayed away from and trampled on the truth, did not subjectively make efforts to pursue the truth, and did not want to forsake my fleshly emotion, yet I complained that God did not grace me. I was really too unreasonable! In this way, I could never receive God’s grace and blessing but could only be controlled by satanic power and finally have myself ruined.
At this time, I felt an inexhaustible power surging in my heart. I resolved to cease to be cowardly, rise up to cooperate with God, overcome satan’s power of darkness, and live in the light. Thereafter, whenever I felt homesick, I brought my actual state and actual difficulty before God and earnestly prayed and beseeched. And then I found out the truths by which God exposed the substance of the family and emotion to eat and drink, learned some songs about God’s love, God’s work, etc., and wrote some articles on this subject, forsaking my flesh consciously. After practicing this for some time, under God’s leading, I did come out of the torments of family and emotion.
Now I feel much relieved, and I can also have a quiet heart when performing my duty. Through this experience, I have deeply realized that God’s word is absolute truth. And I have also gained a little understanding about these words God says: “…God does not show favoritism to anyone, and he always treats man fairly, but he does not bestow to man lightly or give to man unconditionally. This is one aspect of his righteous nature.” From the bottom of my heart, I thank and praise God for his righteousness.
Shangqiu City, Henan Province