God’s word says: “What you care about is not me but … your position, your future….” I was always unconvinced of this word and did not acknowledge that I had a desire for position. I always considered myself the most humble and obedient person and that no matter whom God’s family selected as the leader, I would have no opinion and would be willing to cooperate.
Once, an assistant was to be selected in our small district. I was then a church leader. I thought: The one to be promoted assistant this time must be me, for I have measured and I am, among all the church leaders in this small district, the one who manages the work best. However, the result was contrary to my expectation: Instead of me being promoted, the one promoted was a new hand I once led. At that time, I just could not figure it out and was disobedient in my heart. I thought that God’s family only promoted the ones who had a glib tongue and who were good-looking. I also had a prejudice against the small-district leader because of that, considering that she could not discern things, promoted people according to her emotion, and promoted only those compatible with her…. From then on, I allowed myself to fall and no longer had the desire to make progress. I always thought that as I was not good at fawning and flattering and was not good-looking, no matter how I pursued God’s family would not promote me. Thus, I lived in misunderstanding and passivity all along and performed my duty in a perfunctory and slipshod way; in consequence, the gospel result in the church became worse every month. I knew I would be doomed to failure if I continued like this, yet I could not extricate myself. Later, I was tormented really beyond endurance, so I went to the small-district leader and laid bare my ugly self. But after I told her, I regretted, fearing that she might despise and detest me. Unexpectedly, she not only did not hate me, but she fellowshipped with me patiently, “Today, while believing in God, we should right our intent and viewpoint and should obey everything God arranges for us. No matter whom God’s family uses, it contains God’s good purpose and it is a perfecting for us. Besides, we can’t consider ourselves very highly and can’t pursue simply for position. If we remain like this, won’t we ruin ourselves?” Then, she read me God’s words: “Would mountains detour you because of your ‘position’ when they move? Would streams stop going forward because of man’s ‘position’ when they flow? Would heaven and earth be reversed because of man’s ‘position’?” “If you do not obey now, will you be happy when you get a curse in the end? You do not pay attention to the way of life but only pay attention to position and the form of address; how about your life? I do not deny that you have paid so much price; but look at your stature and look at those practices of yours. Having followed until today, you still bargain over the terms. Is this the stature you have gained by your resolution? Do you have personality? Do you have a conscience? Have I done it wrong?” God’s disclosing made me feel extremely ashamed, and made me see that I was too devoid of sense and too blind. Having believed in God for many years, I still pursued for fame and position. A little thing against my notions and I became passive and wrote myself off as hopeless and acted recklessly. As God discloses, what I pursued was not the truth or the principles of being a man; instead, I pursued those debased, worthless things. I was miserably tormented by position and fame. O God! If it were not for your exposing and your guidance, I would not have realized that I have a desire for position, and I would even have a notion about your words of disclosure. Yet you know me best. You have arranged this appropriate circumstance to perfect me, causing me to see your kind intention; you anxiously expect me to be transformed, waiting for me to examine myself, to repent and make a fresh start, and to have a correct pursuit. How can I ignore it? O God, I will no longer be passive, no longer live in misunderstanding, and no longer pursue for fame and position. I only desire to face reality, obey your manipulation and arrangement, pursue the truth, pursue the transformation of my nature, and live out a meaningful life.
Suzhou City, Anhui Province