At a meeting, I noticed that our leader acted out of character. In the past she talked smilingly and was easy of approach. But this time, she had a heavy heart and looked sullen all the time. Even if she smiled, it was a forced smile. And her speaking was not as gentle as before and occasionally seemed to have a smell of gunpowder. Sometimes she wanted to get angry but she managed to check herself and tried to fellowship calmly. Seeing this, I felt a thrill of gnawing sadness, thinking, “She must have been dealt with at the recent meeting, because the result of our gospel work is so poor this month. From now on, I must try my best to work and promote the gospel work, and never have her be dealt with and distressed again.” A little while later, I again considered within myself, “Don’t feel bad yourself alone. If we have done something wrong, you may give us a good dressing-down to let off your anger….” Just like that, during the whole meeting, my mood changed with her countenance. I completely lived under her “guidance.”
After the meeting, the leader’s countenance at the meeting flashed in my mind every now and then. One moment I imagined her embarrassment when being dealt with, and the next I guessed what frame of mind she was in now. I also had an indescribable feeling of unhappiness, mixed with sympathy, pity, and even some complaint of unfairness for her, so much so that for several days my heart was fully occupied by her and could not be put into the work. For that, I got very anxious. So I kept crying out to God in my heart: “O God! Why can’t my heart be put into your work?” In perplexity, I opened the book of God’s word, and read these words: “Having followed me for so many years, you have never had any ‘faithfulness’ to me. Rather, you have been centering around the ones you like and the things you like, and you even have them on your hearts at any time and in any place and have never discarded them. You are zealous toward anything you like and love anything you like at the same time when you are following me and even at the same time when you are listening to my word. … You dedicate yourselves to the career you love. …some are faithful to your superiors….” God’s words gave my heart a shock: Am I faithful to my direct superior? Then I fell into a meditation. When my work was effective, I thought the leader would definitely be happy with it; when my work was not effective, I imagined how the leader would feel after knowing it. In a word, whenever I encountered something, my first reaction was how the leader would feel when she knew it, and I had never thought how God’s heart would feel and how God would regard what I did. I observed the leader meticulously but paid no heed to God, and I even had never thought of God at all. This reminded me of these words in the work arrangement: “God loves man and has given his all to man but has not gained man. Everyone adores his ‘master,’ serving his ‘master’ faithfully. How grieved God is when he sees such a scene! Is his ‘master’ the truth, the way, and the life? … Is his ‘master’ so lovely as to have taken his heart away? This is really a thought-provoking problem.” “Why do people do things of rebelling against God while eating and drinking God’s word and enjoying God’s grace? Why can those base lackeys secretly serve man while living off God? Is this what God expects to see? … Who can understand God’s heart? Who can truly be faithful to God and satisfy God?” Facing these words, I hated myself bitterly. Am I not a base lackey faithful to his “master”? I observed the leader’s face all day. When she was happy, I felt happy. When she was dealt with, I felt upset and even complained of unfairness for her. Though I secretly resolved to work hard, it was to win credit for her so that she would not be dealt with again. Even while I was working, my heart was occupied by her. I ate and drank God’s word and enjoyed God’s grace but did things of rebelling against God. I was really muddleheaded to a degree! God loves man and has given his all for man in order to gain man’s heart, but I showed God the cold shoulder and gave my heart to my “master.” I am truly a lackey who secretly serves man while living off God and an ungrateful, base person. Having thought of this, I fell down with floods of tears: O God! What I did has really broken your heart. From now on, I will thoroughly remove the place for my “master” from my heart, and let you occupy my whole heart and my whole being, so as to be a person who is truly faithful to you. May you search my heart!
Nanyang City, Henan Province