I Realize that Only Suffering for the Truth Is of Value
Because my unbelieving husband hindered me from performing my duty, according to my own imagination I made a “contract” with him which expired at the end of the lunar year of 2003, saying that I would stop running around by then. Now the Spring Festival was drawing near; I was uneasy in my heart, fearing that I would be faced with another persecution.
During the Spring Festival, when I told my husband that I still had to go out, he flew into a fury: “You must have another man outside. Who else would let you eat and live for nothing? Shame on you! You can never leave this house again! …” Disgusting words came to me continually, and the more he spoke, the angrier he became. Then he gave me a fist in the face. At that moment, I felt myself greatly humiliated and burst into tears. I was very aggrieved in my heart: He treats me like this. I live with too little dignity and personality. It seems that to clear myself from the “imputation,” I have to stay at home. But what about God’s commission? I was struggling in painful refining, feeling myself wronged and being particularly afraid of facing the scene of quarrel and fight. Alas! How should I walk my future path? In this environment, I was overwhelmed with distress and did not know what to do. Then, a passage of God’s word appeared clearly in my mind: “You do not pursue; this can only mean that you are a worthless cheap person, you do not have the courage to live, you do not have the spirit to rebel against the power of darkness, and you are too cowardly! Thus, you cannot break free from the siege of satanic power and are willing to live a peaceful life … like this. … You should suffer for the truth, devote yourself for the truth, endure humiliations for the truth, and endure more and more afflictions for gaining more and more truths. This is what you should do. Do not discard the truth because of enjoying the harmony of your family. Do not lose your dignity and integrity for your whole life because of temporary enjoyment. … You should give up all your fleshly enjoyments for one truth. You should not discard all the truths for the sake of a little enjoyment. Such a person has no integrity and no dignity, and it is meaningless for him to live!” God’s words brightened my heart. Before, I thought that if what I did could make my husband not misunderstand me but respect me and regard me highly, I would have preserved my dignity and personality. Today, God’s words made me understand this: If I gave up God’s commission for stopping my husband from misunderstanding me, even if my innocence was proved, what value would that have? Would I not be preserving my fame and position? Isn’t that kind of “dignity and personality” worthless? Though I am misunderstood by my husband, if I can willingly endure humiliation for loving God and satisfying God and suffer for the truth and still perform my duty properly, then I will live with value, dignity and personality. Today, I have no courage to break free from the force of darkness myself and am unwilling to suffer and pay the price practically for gaining the truth; this shows that I am a coward who has no backbone. At this thought, I came to understand that God arranged such a circumstance for the purpose that I could know myself and enter into the truth. This is a special favor to me. I can’t be cowardly influenced by my husband anymore. I must let God’s word reign in my heart. At this moment, God caused me to be more enlightened and clear: Only fulfilling one’s duty to satisfy God is the right way of human life; only by doing so will one not pass his life in vain. O God! I will, under your guidance, completely free myself from the bondage of satan’s force and give my heart fully to you.
The next day, my husband went out, and I knew that God had made a way out for me. So, without hesitation I set out on the path to performing my duty.
Jinan City, Shandong Province