I Realized the Expectation Hidden in Me
Recently, though I was busy performing my duty every day, my heart was not as enthusiastic as before. In spite of the fact that I did my best to read God’s word and pray to adjust my state wanting to restore my previous enthusiasm, I could not achieve it. I was very puzzled: How could this have been so? Why can’t I always get my initial enthusiasm?
One day, during my spiritual devotions, I read these two passages of God’s word: “Some people had a great drive when they came out in the beginning. When they first performed their duties, they felt an unfailing strength all over. How have they lost their enthusiasm as they walk? Compared with himself of that time, he now seems to become another person. Why have they changed? What is the cause for that? This is because they have gone astray in their belief in God before entering the right track, and what they have chosen is a wrong path. There was something hidden in their original pursuit and when the crucial time comes, that thing shows itself.” “Now man’s crucial difficulty is that everyone has within him some imaginations, notions, wishes, and empty ideals, which he himself cannot discover. It is indeed very dangerous that there are always such things mixed inside man and accompanying him. Maybe at some time he will have a relapse, uttering ravings and complaints. … In everyone there are some things which he wants to pursue and gain and there are his own preferences. He himself often cannot perceive them and even thinks that they are quite right and there is nothing wrong with them. When one day he stumbles because of this and becomes passive and weak and cannot rise up, he himself still doesn’t know what has gone wrong…. One who has no knowledge of himself will not know his own troubles, and he will not even know what causes him to die. Man is just so pitiable. It can be seen that man’s mixture sometimes can also ruin him.”
Having read these words, I felt somewhat afraid in my heart, and then I began to search for the things hidden inside me. Gradually, the things came to surface: After I followed Almighty God, whenever I saw some brothers and sisters of my age became leaders, I envied them very much and always expected that some day I could also outstandingly become a leader in God’s family. Later, I became a small-district leader, but I was not content with that and I intently pursued even higher position, hoping that some day I could become a coordinator. Just at that time, the administrative structure of the church was readjusted. The area of the work of a coordinator expanded, and the affairs a coordinator should attend to increased accordingly. Then I inwardly compared my ability with the work ability a coordinator should possess, and I felt that my stature was too small and my experiences were too shallow for the work of a coordinator. Thus I felt disappointed and sighed: Alas! It seems that there was no hope for me to become a leader of a higher level. At that time I became discouraged within despite myself.
When I was examining this, I suddenly realized that inside me there had always hidden the “chase of fame and position,” which had been supporting my pursuit. But I was unaware of it at all, and I even thought that I previously had the enthusiasm and motivation to pursue because I was a good person who could willingly undergo suffering and expend myself for God. Now exposed by the fact, I’ve seen that since I began to believe in God, I had chosen a wrong path—seeking after high positions to stand out among others. When my ambition to get a position failed, my previous enthusiasm disappeared without trace, and my whole being seemed to have changed into another person. Without a position to attract me, I had no goal to pursue, and it seemed meaningless to me to believe in God. It turned out that during these years of my believing in God and following God, I paid the price and expended myself simply for the expectation hidden inside me, and I had never truly pursued to love God and satisfy God.
O God! Thank you for your wise and wonderful work and your inspiration, which have enabled me to realize the expectation hidden inside me. This is really your great love and salvation for me. I am willing to recover myself, take the pursuit of the truth and life as my goal, and completely give up my pursuit of fame and position. In my future experiences, I am even more willing to dig deeper into the things hidden within me and the impurities in my belief in you, so that these mixtures can be cleansed away soon and I can then pursue to love you and satisfy you with a single and pure heart.
Liaoyang City, Liaoning Province