A few days ago, God’s family transferred me to another work. When handing over the work, I thought: I’ll take the last chance to have one more meeting with the brothers and sisters and give them a good fellowship to leave a good impression on them. Then I had a meeting with the several deacons. After the meeting, I said, “I am to be transferred to another work. I hope you will cooperate well with the new leader in one accord.” When the sisters heard these words, the smile on their faces disappeared right away. Some took my hands, and some held my head, crying, “You cannot go. You cannot leave us behind!” The sister of the host family was particularly reluctant to part with me, and she said to me, “If only you could stay here! You not only can bear hardships but are also capable of fellowshipping. You helped us patiently on every occasion. What should we do after you leave?” Seeing that the brothers and sisters were reluctant to part with me, I felt satisfaction and enjoyment. I consoled them, “Rely on God more. I will come to see you if I have time.”
Later, whenever I recalled the scene of parting with the brothers and sisters, I always felt uneasy in my heart: Were the expressions of the brothers and sisters normal? Why did they say that they could not do without me? Why did God’s family change my work? My mind was shrouded by the cloud of questions. For this, I often sought before God. One day, in “The Principles People Must Know in Serving God” in The Manual of the Principles for the Church Work, I read these words: “Those who serve God must exalt God and testify about God in everything, and only in this way can they achieve the result of leading people to know God. And only by exalting God and testifying about God can they lead people before God. This is one of the principles of serving God. The result that God works to achieve finally is to make people come before God through knowing God’s work. If one who is a leader does not exalt God or testify about God but shows off himself in every respect, … this is setting up a rival stage in opposition to God. …his work becomes a work of vying with God for people. … Therefore, if one’s service is not exalting God and testifying about God, then he is certainly showing off himself. Even if he holds the banner of serving God, he works for his own position and for his own fleshly enjoyment, not at all for exalting God and testifying about God. If one violates this principle of serving, it proves that he is a person who resists God.” The more I read, the more uneasy I became, and the more I read, the more I felt afraid. My heart was doubly rebuked. From the brothers’ and sisters’ attitude toward me, I saw that my working did not bring the brothers and sisters before God but brought them before me. At the moment, I could not help but examine every scene of my being together with the brothers and sisters: I often said to the sister of the host family, “How nice it is that all your family believe in God. When I was at home, my husband persecuted me every day, either beating or scolding me. How much I suffered for believing in God and performing my duty!” When the brothers and sisters encountered difficulties, I did not fellowship about God’s intention and did not testify about God’s work and God’s love, but cared for their flesh in every respect, making them feel I was considerate. When seeing that the brothers and sisters did things against the principles, for fear of offending them, I did not point it out to them or help them, always maintaining my relationships with them. Whatever I did, what I cared for most was my place and image in others’ heart…. All my actions and behavior could make others sympathize with me and look up to me, so that the brothers and sisters had those expressions when I parted with them. This was enough to prove that their hearts had been occupied by me. But I even took it as an enjoyment. Wasn’t I vying with God for people? Wasn’t I acting in opposition to God? At the moment, I could not but remember these words of God, “Now when I am working among you, you are even like this. If one day no one takes charge of you, won’t you all become bandits dominating a territory? If you cause monstrous troubles at that time, who will tackle the disastrous situations?” God’s words made me once again see the serious consequence of serving God but exalting and testifying about myself, and see that such an archangelic inherent nature of mine could have caused me to become a bandit that occupies a mountain to be a king, and could have caused monstrous troubles. I reflected that I served God yet did not, according to the principle, exalt God and testify about God to fulfill my duty, but instead I always showed off and testified about myself, bringing all the brothers and sisters before me. If it had not been for God’s tolerance and mercy, I would have early become one who was cursed and struck down by God.
At that moment, I trembled with terror. Shame, fear, and indebtedness welled up all at once within me. I fell with my face to the ground and prayed to God in bitter tears: O God! If it were not for your exposing and inspiration, I do not know what state I would be in. Thank you for your salvation to me, which made me see the baseness and ugliness in the depths of my soul, and see that I was purely a person who served you but resisted you. According to what I did, I only deserve to receive your curse. However, you did not treat me according to my transgressions but still inspired and guided me, giving me the chance to repent and start anew. O God, I will take this experience as a warning in all my life. May your chastisement and judgment accompany me always, so that I will cast off my old satanic nature soon and be one who serves you truly devoutly to make up for my indebtedness.
Heze City, Shandong Province