I Tasted the Sweetness of Truly Relying on God
During the several years of my following God, I had coordinated with quite a few sisters. In each coordination I made a silent resolution to coordinate harmoniously with the other party, but each time I ended up with many regrets, and afterward I felt repentant. During the previous period, I coordinated with a sister. After some time, I again relapsed into my old sickness: When we disagreed, I was always unwilling to drop myself. When the sister pointed out my defects, I always hated to admit them and had a prejudice against her, yet I bottled it up and did not want to have an open fellowship with her. … Later, when God’s family transferred the sister to another place to perform duty, I reflected on the several months of coordinating with her, and once again I felt too many regrets. Because of this, I was very sad. I thought, “I’m willing to know myself and to be transformed, but each time I coordinated with someone, I hardly learned any lessons. What should I do to have myself transformed?”
One day, I read these words in God’s fellowship: “Many times you do not make genuine prayers. You just do some reflections and just have knowledge and repentance in thought, but you have not had a thorough knowledge in the truth. This needs prayer. After prayer, the degree of your knowledge will be much deeper than when you reflect. The state, the feeling, and the moving given to you by the working and moving of the Holy Spirit will cause you to know this matter especially deeply, and the degree of your repentance will also be especially deep. If you repent of it deeply, you will know it thoroughly. If you just examine it superficially, and afterward have no proper way of practice and make no progress in the truth, you still cannot be transformed.”
Pondering over this passage, I came to understand this: I always failed to coordinate with others and often relapsed into my old sickness because I did not come before God to make a genuine prayer, and did not seek to receive the working of the Holy Spirit to gain a true knowledge, but only did some reflections afterward and felt distressed for a while. Thus, I only had a knowledge and was willing to repent in thought, but I was not clear about what lessons I should learn in coordination, and did not know much about my arrogant and self-right satanic nature, much less find out in God’s word the ways of practice. Therefore, even though each time I felt quite repentant and distressed and also resolved to coordinate with others harmoniously, I always ended in failure, and even now I still have not gained any transformation. Thinking of this, I came before God and made a genuine prayer, telling God my true state, difficulties, and heart’s desire. In my prayer, the Holy Spirit moved me greatly, so that I felt a deadly abhorrence of my arrogant and conceited nature and my ugly and filthy soul, and felt a bitter repentance for my previous actions. And I made this resolution: When I coordinate with somebody in the future, I will by all means practice and enter into the truth concerning harmonious coordination and never again miss the opportunity to be perfected by God.
Soon, God’s family assigned another sister to coordinate with me. In this coordination, I consciously cooperated with God: When we had a disagreement in the work, I exercised to first drop myself and then come before God to pray earnestly and seek to understand God’s will. When I had a prejudice against the sister, I practiced forsaking my flesh and opened my heart to fellowship with her, tried to know my corruption and disobedience, and then searched for the way of practice in God’s word, no longer fixing my eyes on her. When the sister pointed out my defects to me, though I felt distressed within, through coming before God to pray I could treat it properly. … After practicing like this for some time, I felt that our coordination became harmonious. I also realized that it really was not difficult to drop myself in the coordination, and that after dropping myself, I could receive inspiration and guidance of the Holy Spirit and always have a kind of enjoyment within, extremely brightened and gratified.
Through this experience, I have tasted the sweetness of truly relying on God, and deeply experienced that man must truly rely on God in everything, and apart from God he can achieve nothing. From now on, I will come before God more often, rely on and look to God truly, and pursue to enter further into the truth, so as to gain the transformation of my life nature soon.
Yantai City, Shandong Province