I thought that, over the years of my following God, I had been expending for God abroad all day, had hardly ever been home, and had suffered a lot, which meant that I had had some faithfulness to God. So, I had a notion about the word of God’s disclosure, “Having followed me for so many years, you have never had any ‘faithfulness’ to me.” I considered that God’s word was somewhat exaggerated. However, God had ways to deal with my self-confidence. Under God’s wonderful manipulation and arrangement, I surprisingly saw that I was not for God in my years of expending but had rushed about and toiled to this day for my fame and position; to God, I indeed did not have any faithfulness.
Last year, God’s family promoted me to take charge of a certain work. At first I had no idea how to do it. When I knew a little about the way and was confident to do the work well, however, I suddenly heard the leading brother say to me, “What do you think of your being assigned to go back to your hometown?” This unexpected word disquieted my heart. I was in turmoil within: “You ask me to go back; how will others look on and evaluate me? I have not been doing the work for long and the results of my work are not bad this month. Why is it so? Since you assign me to return to my hometown today, why did you promote me? Aren’t you tormenting me? …” I just could not figure it out. Thus, I was so afflicted by fame and position that I was sleepless all the night.
Later I knew that I was not asked to go back home but, because of the need of the work, I was assigned to go back to my native province to serve as an examiner. As I always cared about my fame and position, in the course of my working I still paid special attention to others’ attitudes toward and opinions of me. However, the more I paid attention to these things, the less they were according to my wishes; on the contrary, I encountered discouragement everywhere, and no one cared about me and no one gave me comfort. I felt very distressed. I could not help thinking of my family, a longing for them welling within me. The “secret” of my not going back home and not missing my family over the years was finally dug out—it was position and fame that had been supporting me.
Because I paid special attention to fame and position, I struggled bitterly in darkness…. Later, I received enlightenment from a piece of God’s word. God says: “If the path you pursue along is right, you have a hope of success. If the path you walk in pursuing the truth is wrong, you will never be able to succeed, and your outcome will be the same as Paul’s. … The work Peter did was performing his duty as a created being. He worked in the course of pursuing to love God…. He required himself to satisfy God’s heart even in the small matters in his life. He did not let go of any of his old nature and always strictly required himself to enter further in the truth. Paul just pursued outward fame and position and pursued to exhibit himself before others. He did not pursue to enter further in life entering in. …” These words of God somewhat aroused me. I examined my pursuit and checked the path I walked. Wasn’t my pursuit exactly the same as Paul’s? I recalled my past. The ugly pictures of my being afflicted by position and fame flashed constantly in my mind. When I lost my fame and position, I seemed to have lost my sense of direction and goal of pursuit. When nobody paid attention to me, I felt distressed and miserable. I could not help examining and asking myself: Do I believe in God just to seek after these things? What then can I gain in the end? Can position and fame make me be saved? Can they transform me? I always clung to these things and was unwilling to let them go, moving around them in circles. What I loved was not the truth, but fame and position. In the years of my following God, I have never had any faithfulness to God. I did not pursue the words of life bestowed by God but ran counter to God and pursued the worthless and meaningless things. I was really too blind! I have disappointed God’s kind intention for me. At the moment, I felt deep remorse and even more hated my baseness and lowness.
Through the exposing of the fact, I completely prostrated myself before God. I realized that every word of God’s disclosing is the truth. At the same time, I tasted the power and authority of God’s word. Even more, I saw my arrogant inherent nature. I had no place for God in my heart, and even suspected that God’s word overstated the fact. Thank God for his exposing! Without it, I would never have realized my ugly self, even less lowered my haughty head before the truth.
Hefei City, Anhui Province