One day at the end of March, 2003, we were having a meeting. The leader said, “Here’s such a matter, and you may help dissect it to see what inherent nature caused him to do so. There is a leader, for whom the host family bought a cell phone. It looked very nice, so he kept it for himself to use…. What is the substance of this?” After she spoke, everyone joined in the conversation and began to dissect it. “The substance is that he indulges in the blessings of position…. He took advantage of his position to satisfy his own desires….” “It also shows that he is very vain. A big cell phone does not look nice. How charming it makes him to hold a small one, just like an official! …” At the moment, I felt my face burning, my eyes wide open and staring steadily at the ground, and I sat blankly there. Every word they said was pricking my heart like a needle. Aren’t they talking about me? Just when I was at a loss what to do, I heard the leader say again, “He fell but doesn’t know how he fell. He didn’t hand in the consecrated cell phone, but kept it for use privately.” This word made me open my eyes even more widely, and I almost cried out: No, this isn’t the truth! No, it isn’t so at all! I protested in my heart time and time again…. At once my mind came back to the scene of my talking with the leader at that time. Sitting on the bed, I said with a smile, “I expressed corruption again.” The leader asked, “What’s it?” “A brother consecrated a new cell phone,” I said. “I like it very much, but I dare not keep it for my use privately, for fear of offending God. Besides, according to the principle I should hand it in.” The leader said, “Well, you may keep it for use.” So I became the “owner” of the cell phone. It was obviously that I wanted to hand it in and she didn’t take it…. Even though at that time I spoke of handing it in unwillingly, I said that! But today, how come you say such a word? I really can’t accept it. Outwardly I still sat there calm, but inwardly my mind was already in a tumult…. I felt wronged, I wanted to vindicate myself, and I even hated the leader: You agreed, but today you suddenly have me dissected! It was you who handled it at that time; why don’t you tell the truth? How come you speak with so much falsehood? You look very kind on the surface, but you actually make things warm for me in secret. You said the word easily, but it has made me known in the whole Heilongjiang Province. You are really terrific! I kept complaining, hating…. I did not hear anything they said. I was only thinking how to treat her when she went to my place the next time.
When I stuck in right and wrong and could not extricate myself, God’s words inspired me. God says: “In knowing themselves, people do not know from the root or the substance, but they make an issue of and put effort into their practices or their outward expressions. Even though some people can sometimes speak some words of knowing themselves, they are not very deep. No one has ever thought that since he can do a certain kind of thing or has a certain kind of expression, he is that kind of person and is of that kind of inherent nature. What God discloses about is people’s inherent nature and their substance, but what people know about are the mistakes or flaws in their deeds or words. So, it is very difficult for them to put the truth into practice.” This passage brought me to myself. What God discloses about is people’s substance, not the right and wrong of their outward practices or words. Then I felt much brightened in my heart. I quieted my heart and examined my actions and behavior to see whether I indulged in the blessings of position. Under the leading of the Holy Spirit, I saw clearly my condition in this period: Outwardly I was performing my duty, but substantially I was running around aimlessly. I read God’s word without receiving much inspiration. I worked in a perfunctory and slipshod way and could not discover the problems at the lower level. All day I held the cell phone in my hand appreciating it, and my heart was completely occupied by it. I held up the work of God’s family and caused it to suffer loss. The more I thought, the clearer I felt; and the more I pondered, the more I understood. I occupied the position of a leader but didn’t do the work of a leader. I was indeed indulging in the blessings of position. No one had wronged me. Before the fact, I bowed my head. “O God! Today, you have been incarnated and come to earth in order to save us, people who are living in darkness. You have been working hard day and night, rushing about and suffering hardships, and you have not yet enjoyed anything! I am nothing but a tiny creature, and uplifted by you I have the opportunity to perform my duty and to be saved. You mean to let me perform my duty, instead of giving me the position. But I shamelessly seated myself in the chair of the position and enjoyed it. My substance is really revolting and loathful to you.” After the prayer, I saw another light. I suddenly understood why the leader dissected me in that way: The Spirit of God searches everything and knows that I am in a dangerous state now. In order to pull me back from the verge of death, God has elaborately arranged the occasion of today, letting the leader seize this state of mine and dissect it promptly and pointedly, so that I can examine myself in such dealing and pruning and know that I am walking on the way of being eliminated. God wishes that I would soon rein in on the brink of the precipice and return to the fold; otherwise, the consequences would be unimaginable. It is not something to do with the leader; it is completely the wonderful manipulation of God!
Suihua City, Heilongjiang Province