During my several years of following the Almighty God, although God’s word had thoroughly exposed man’s corrupt nature of not loving the truth, yet I still felt that, among the corrupted, I could be relatively counted as a person who pursued the truth, because I thought that if I did not pursue the truth, God’s family would not have been using me all along. Therefore, I often felt very satisfied.
At the end of April 2003 came the latest word of God “Think About Your Doings.” Before I read it I was very happy, because I thought that God’s word of this time would certainly mention how the current world situation was going, when the great disasters would be poured down on large areas, and the maters about the day of God. All these were the things hidden in the depths of my heart, which had never been removed. So, I eagerly took this piece of God’s word and began to read. After I finished reading it, however, I had not found what I wanted to see. All at once the enthusiasm within me disappeared. Although I did not show my discouragement before the brothers and sisters, I myself knew it clearly. I thought to myself: This piece of God’s word is not special as compared with the previous words. Isn’t it still the word of chastising and judging man? Alas! Corrupt people can never escape God’s chastisement and judgment anyway. I felt a great sense of loss. I put the piece of God’s word into the drawer and did not want to read it anymore.
A few days later, on account of SARS (a dreadful epidemic), I had to stay at home. In sheer boredom, I suddenly felt rebuked within: You haven’t carefully eaten and drunk that piece of God’s word, so how can you understand God’s present intention? God’s words are all directed at man’s very present deficiency. You’ve failed to read this and there must be something wrong with you. If you are a person who pursues the truth, why don’t you try to find your present deficiency in God’s word? What benefits can it bring to you to pursue to know the great disasters, the day of God, and the world situation? Which can bring life to you, God’s word or the things you long for? Ah, yes. Haven’t I been exposed by God through this? Why do I have no heart to pursue the truth even now? God has spared no pains to speak words to us and bestowed the truth and the life on us freely. Why should I be so indifferent to that? Do I have any conscience and reason that a man should possess? I am really worse than swine and dog! Then I immediately fell on my knees and prayed to God, beseeching God to have mercy on me once again so that I could know myself more clearly in his present words. After the prayer, I began to eat and drink that piece of God’s word. The more I ate it, the more I felt that I was too disgusting and loathsome to God, especially when I read these words of God: “What you have done before me over these years has given me an answer I have never got. The question to this answer is: What is man’s attitude before the truth and the true God? The painstaking effort I have expended on man proves my substance of loving man, whereas what man has done before me proves man’s substance of hating the truth and being against me.” The more I pondered over these words of God, the more I felt that I was arrogant to such an extent that over the years of following God, I did not have the heart to pursue the truth at all. I believed in God because of the coming of the great disasters, because of my curiosity, and even more for my flesh to enjoy rich blessings soon. My intent of believing in God was really base and crafty, and I was not worthy to enjoy God’s word.
Exposed by God this time, I have seen that instead of being a person who pursued the truth, I was one who hated the truth and who was at enmity with God. Today, God doesn’t treat me according to my evil substance but gives me the opportunity to perform duty all along; this is really God’s uplifting of me. But before I was exposed, I overestimated myself and thought that I loved the truth. This is really ugly! Now, God’s wonderful words have made me see my real deficiency. I feel too ashamed to show my face, but I also offer thanks and praises to God for getting an opportunity to be perfected.
Xuzhou City, Jiangsu Province