I Was Not a True Believer in God
“All your speeches and manners express the elements of your unbelief in Christ. All your motives and goals behind doing things are full of the elements of unbelief. …” Although I had read this passage of God’s word, I did not have true knowledge about it. Recently, exposed by God, I have gained a little knowledge and understanding of this word.
At the end of July, I was most impatient to run around for counting the numbers of the people we won in the gospel work that month. After a few busy days, the result came out at last—the number of the won people was even smaller than that of the previous month. All at once I became weak and limp. I thought in my heart: With such a result to compare with others, how can I face them? If this continues, how long can I still be in charge of this work? … I was crushed with a string of questions. Just then the leader called me. After she finished questioning me, I added, “Sister, the result of the gospel work this month is not good….” “The result is not good, and what is the use of telling me this? …” Then she hung up. Instantly I felt as if I was greatly wronged, and my tears kept streaming down. After I got home, I prayed to God, “O God! I didn’t do my work well, and the leader doesn’t understand me. What lesson do you want me to learn from this matter? …” Then, God inspired me: Why did you express yourself to the leader? What was your intent? I thought inwardly: The purpose of my explanation is to want the other to know the difficulties in my work, and also for the other to understand me and make allowance for me; besides, I was afraid the other would blame me; and even more I was afraid I would lose my position.
Inspired by God, I had an awakening. God says, “some are faithful to your work, some are faithful to your superiors, some are faithful to position…. You have always put me and my word last behind all the things you are zealous toward….” Oh yes, I have followed God for years, but to this day I still pursue for the sake of fame and position, and my doings are all for preserving my position, not for satisfying God. I served God but wanted man to show me allowance and understanding, thinking that my position could be preserved as long as I had won man’s approval. I was so blind to God’s almightiness and sovereignty. I did not see that God searches hearts and minds, even less knew whether I actually believed in man or in God. Exposed by this matter, I have realized that I was not a true believer in God, and I could also relate myself to God’s words, “All your speeches and manners express the elements of your unbelief in Christ. All your motives and goals behind doing things are full of the elements of unbelief.” This is completely the result achieved by God’s work. To God be all the glory!
Zhoukou City, Henan Province