In the past, I never took these words of God: “You boast about yourselves when you are a bit faithful, want a reward when you make some contribution, look down upon others when you are a bit obedient, and have no regard for God when you do some small work. You want money, things, and compliments when you receive God, feel pained when you offer two coppers, and want to be blessed and want to be different from others when you offer ten coppers.” Especially, I could not relate to myself the words “want a reward when you make some contribution.” I thought, “Today we can expend for the supreme God; isn’t this God’s greatest uplifting and the greatest honor? How can we want a reward? If we do that, aren’t we too conscienceless?” At that time, I considered myself an exception who would not want a reward. However, under the exposing of God’s actual work, I saw clearly my filthy soul: I was not so “free from vulgarity” as I had thought but was so vulgar, low, and contemptible.
After I accepted the Almighty God’s end-time work, I performed my duty in my hometown all along. So, when I wanted clothes or money, I could go home to fetch and did not need God’s family to take care of me. Besides, I ate and lived in the homes of the brothers and sisters. At that time, I did not have to worry about anything in my living, except that I suffered a little ordeal when my work was unfruitful. Therefore, I thought loftily that I would not want a reward in any case. Especially when I saw at the meetings those brothers and sisters who performed duties away from their homes accept the care of God’s family, though I did not say anything, I had a sense of superiority, feeling that I did not need God’s family to take care of me. Thus, when the leader wanted to give me some money for making phone calls or taking buses, I refused flatly, and I said to the leader, “I do not need it. Keep it for them. I have money at home.” At that moment, I was somewhat smug.
Later, God’s family assigned me to leave my hometown to perform my duty. In order not to accept the care of God’s family, I took some money with me from my home. However, the money was soon used up. Then I became a little worried, thinking, “It’s bad. It is getting hotter every day. When I left home, it was winter and I did not take thin clothes with me. Now, I cannot wear these thick clothes anymore. Not to mention that others will say I am a lunatic, I myself can’t bear the heat.” Considering that it was hardly possible to go home to take clothes, I then had an extravagant desire: I am also one God’s family has assigned to come out to perform duty; God’s family should also take care of me. Though the host family had found thin clothes for me, I always thought them unpresentable and felt myself wronged. Therefore, in that period of time, I paid attention to whether the brothers and sisters contributed clothes, and if they did I would keep a dress that suited me, preferably a pretty one. I waited long but failed to get my wish. Once, I was told that there were clothes in the bag brought to me, so I eagerly opened it to have a look. But the result greatly disappointed me—none of the clothes fitted me. Thus I was tormented in expecting, waiting, and being disappointed. One day, when I did my morning reading, I read God’s words: “Every day you are contemplating how you can get something from me, every day you are contemplating how much money and how many material things you have received from me, and every day you are waiting for more blessings to come upon you so that you can enjoy more and higher enjoyable things.” Here, I got a sudden shock in my heart: Am I not in such a state now? Upon reflection, isn’t it fleshly enjoyment that I have been expecting and hoping for in this period? Was I not, under the sway of my vanity, making demands of God’s family? Truly the disclosure of God’s words put me to shame. Only then did I realize that my viewpoint of pursuing was wrong. I did not cherish the opportunity bestowed by God and perform my duty properly to satisfy God, but thought about how to dress myself beautifully and to get better enjoyment. To be honest, what I have enjoyed is high and good enough; but I was still discontented and always took it for granted that, since I expended for God, I should have better enjoyment in every aspect. Little did I know that what God bestows upon man today is not rich material enjoyment but the word of life and word of truth which is ten thousand times more valuable than it. However, facing so many truths, I did not pursue them, but instead racked my brains for those worthless things. I was really the greatest fool in the world. I enjoyed so great uplifting of God, yet I did not think to repay God. I was too conscienceless. I was really a person who only knew to make demands of God but was unwilling to think more about God’s will. Does God put me in such a position today for me to seek enjoyment? If I go on like this, won’t I grieve God too much? Even God, when he comes to earth today, has no place to lay his head and has no enjoyment of the wealth and honor of the world. What qualifications do I, a person worse than a maggot, have to enjoy them? I am really too lacking in sense and have too extravagant a desire. At the moment, I saw that I was so ugly and repulsive. How could I not be loathed by God? God is so holy, while I am extremely filthy. I am really unworthy to come before God. O God! I don’t want to live in such a low way anymore. I don’t want to plan deliberately for my fleshly enjoyment anymore. I only desire, at this critical juncture, to seize the great opportunity and pursue the truth and the transformation of my nature, for I know well that I still have much disobedience and still fall far short of the standard you require. May you expose me more so that I can, in your exposing, know you and know myself.
Fuyang City, Anhui Province