About the truth “God searches hearts and minds,” I not only had heard the fellowship of many brothers and sisters, but I myself had told others more than once: “God is searching our every act and every move at every moment, and even our every thought and idea cannot escape God’s eyes.” But in reality, I deceived God and denied and trampled this truth again and again. It was not until I was exposed that I gained some true knowledge of this truth.
Due to God’s uplifting, both my wife and I received God’s commissions. She served as a small-district leader and I a second-line director in another small district. Because of the need of the work, God’s family equipped each of us with a pager. At first I was greatly burdened with God’s commission, but…..
Once, I contacted her for a matter about a gospel clue. After talking about the clue, we talked about some of our family affairs on the phone. After I hung up, I felt it inappropriate to talk about personal affairs on the phone, but I did not know it in depth. Hereafter, I, who was greedy, reached out for a yard after taking an inch, and I contacted her more and more frequently (all for personal matters). At such times, the pagers became our tools to make appointments. What’s more, when I called her and privately went to meet her by bus, I paid the expenses with the money of God’s family, with an easy conscience. And I even thought: Anyway the brothers and sisters do not know this, and the leader doesn’t either. As long as we do not say it, no one will know. At that time, I, who was corrupt, had entirely fallen into self-deception, and God’s will and God’s commission were completely cast behind me. Moreover, I shamelessly and firmly warned myself: This matter absolutely cannot be let out. I thought that I could thus keep everyone in ignorance. But how could all that I did escape from the eyes of the Almighty? Soon, I lost the working of the Holy Spirit; and for four months I didn’t achieve any result in my work. In the end, God’s family dismissed me from my position as a second-line director and asked me to do some self-examination. Although my family sister (my wife) was not replaced, the work of the small district she took charge of was in a complete mess, and its results had been declining. However, because my heart was too hardened, I did not see my being replaced was God’s great love for me, nor did I realize my contemptible and shameless ugly self. Once, I read these words of God: “You think that I do not know anything about that. Today my Spirit backs me up and testifies for me. Do you think that I know nothing? Do you think that I know nothing about the deceitful schemes and the things in your hearts? Can God be deceived so easily? Can you treat him in any way you like? …I know people’s intents and notions clearly. Do you think that God Godself to whom God testifies is a muddlehead? If so, I say that you are too blind. I won’t tell you off. I will see to what extent you can become corrupt. Let’s see whether you can be saved by your petty tricks or by loving God with all your strength. I won’t condemn you now. Let’s see how God will repay you when his time comes.” God’s words of judgment penetratingly pierced the core of me, causing me sometimes to tremble with fear and sometimes to repent and reproach myself. Although I have followed God to the present without turning back and suffered a lot from fatigue coming in the wind and going in the rain, yet I am a person who only believes in God’s name but does not know God’s substance. I actually did those contemptible deeds in God’s presence. I am really too blind! According to my actions and deeds, I should deserve God’s curse and am not worthy to live before God at all. O God! Not until now have I had a little knowledge of my doings. I am really too disobedient and blind! I shouldered your commission but did not care for your will; on the contrary, I stole your sacrifices. Even so, I still did not know to repent, and I even thought that you would not know it if I said nothing of it. O God, I was too bold and reckless! I did not have any fear of you; I deceived you but had not any feeling about it. O God, I am really a borer in your house, an evildoer who resists you, and a scum who tramples upon the truth and plays with the truth. Now I’m really regretful for my past behavior. I hate myself for being so blind that I did not know your almightiness, even less know you are God Godself who searches hearts and minds. It serves me right that I have come to such an end today!
Now, whenever I recall those contemptible conducts of the past, I cannot help trembling with fear and deeply feel that God’s exposing me is a great salvation for me. In the exposing, I saw my ugly, contemptible and shameful manner, and also saw that I had no place for God in my heart and no fear of God at all. If I had continued this way, I would become a real Judas, not only stealing the money of God’s family, but finally betraying God for the sake of money. Thank God that his exposing has made me rein in on the brink of the precipice and turn back from the wrong way. From now on, I will reform myself thoroughly and start a new life, bring the truth “God searches hearts and minds” into the real life, and accept God’s searching at all times.
Pingdingshan City, Henan Province