I Was So Devoid of Sense
On August 19, 2003, I was on the train from Sichuan to Anhui, in a very cheerful mood. One year ago, I recalled, the above fellowshipped that the gospel was to be spread to other provinces, and so I went to my relatives in Sichuan. Now, the clues there concerning the gospel preaching had been almost used up, so God’s family transferred me back. “After I come back this time, the brothers and sisters will surely regard me highly, and God’s family should assign me to a duty that I can perform without suffering much. Maybe I will even be greatly used by God’s family….” The more I thought, the more I was delighted, and my heart simply burst into bloom.
At the station, the brother who came to meet me talked with me for a while, and then he said: “Don’t you go home. Stay here and continue preaching the gospel.” “Ah? I am still to preach the gospel!” I was dumbfounded, and my heart sank all at once. A strong sense of loss overwhelmed me: I thought that, having suffered a lot and gained many people abroad, I could enjoy some ease after returning to my native place. I never expected… I was extremely disappointed and really wanted to refuse and go home. But I was afraid of God’s hand of chastising people, so I had to stay reluctantly. From then on, my whole person was depressed and I had no enthusiasm to perform my duty, suffering torments in darkness.
One day, I read these words in The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations: “People’s sense is too poor, and their demands on God are too many and too extravagant; they do not have any sense. People always ask God to do this or do that. People cannot completely obey God and cannot worship God, but on the contrary, they make some unreasonable demands according to their own preferences…. Everyone makes demands on God as to how God should love him, how God should tolerate him, how God should care for and keep him, and how God should be concerned with and take care of him, but does not make demands on himself as to how to love God, how to think of God, how to care for God and satisfy God, how to have a place for God in his heart, and how he should worship God. Do people have these things in their heart? All these are what people should achieve. Why do people not set their mind on them? Some people can be zealous temporarily, but not for long; encountering a small setback can cause them to be discouraged, be disappointed, and utter complaints. People’s difficulties are too many. Those who pursue the truth and pursue to love God and satisfy God are too few. People have no sense at all and stand in a wrong position; besides, they consider themselves as very valuable.” God’s words lighted me who was in darkness, and caused me to realize that I became passive and weak because my extravagant desires had not been satisfied. I believed in God not for fulfilling my duty in a down-to-earth manner to satisfy God, but with my extravagant demands and my own intents and expectations. When I had performed a small duty, I wanted reward. When I had suffered a little, I wanted enjoyment. I thought that since I had undergone some sufferings and gained some people when preaching the gospel abroad, I was a “meritorious hero” in God’s family and should enjoy special treatment or perform a light duty or be greatly used by God’s family. When the arrangement of God’s family could not satisfy my wish, I became discouraged and disappointed, and even wanted to reject it and go home. It does show that my sense is too poor and my demands on God are too many. As a created being, to preach the gospel is the duty I should perform. However, I capitalized on it to make demands of God. I had just imitated Paul, who demanded a crown and rewards on the basis of his sufferings and works. I was really too devoid of sense and too contemptible! At that moment, I felt so ashamed that I wished to find a place to hide myself. O Almighty God! I knew too little about myself. I believed in you but could not worship you or obey you on the position of a created being. Moreover, I regarded myself as very valuable, was full of unreasonable demands on you, and disobeyed the arrangement of your family. I did not have the likeness of a created being at all. If it were not for your exposing, I would still be unable to see my baseness and lowliness. From now on, I will try to know myself more deeply in your exposing, pursue the transformation of my nature, and be a person who has sense and who is obedient before you.
Bengbu City, Anhui Province