I Was Still Pursuing Grace
One day, when I was sorting out the articles, a sister came over and said to me, “When in a meeting your family sister was arrested by the great red dragon.” “Ah, how could that be?” Immediately, my complaints came up, “God, our whole family have been performing duties, running through wind and rain, and have never been idle. Why have you allowed persecution to come upon my family? Furthermore, we have no money to redeem her; when will she come out? …” An inexpressible distress weighing upon me, I could not sleep for several nights in a row.
In this state, I was tormented half dead and lost my enthusiasm to perform my duty. Then, God’s words of judgment came upon me: “You only pursue to live an easy life: No trouble will happen to your family, no wind will blow on you, no sand will hit your face, and no flood will inundate your crops. No disaster will befall you, and you will live in “God’s bosom” and live in a cozy nest. Such a cowardly person as you only seeks after the flesh. Do you think you have a heart and a spirit? Aren’t you an animal? … You may say that you have suffered while following God all the way, running through wind and rain and sharing hardships and sufferings with God. But you fail to live out the words God speaks. … You may say that you just believe that God is righteous and as you have suffered for him, run around for him, and devoted yourself for him, and have done hard work if not good work, he will surely remember you. It is true that God is righteous, but his righteousness is not mixed, not mixed with man’s will, not mixed with flesh, and not mixed with man’s terms. …” Every word of God hit the core of me, causing me to feel ashamed and guilty and want to sink through the ground. I believed in God not for pursuing the truth and satisfying God; instead, I pursued family peace and pursued for our whole family to receive blessings and avoid misfortunes and adversities. Now, when what God did was not to my liking, I made a lot of complaints and reasoned with God, thinking that God should not have done so. I am too unreasonable. I did not know God’s righteous nature at all, even less know that today God perfects man not by grace but by chastisement and judgment and all kinds of trials. O God, I had no knowledge of your work. I did not want to receive chastisement, judgment, suffering, and trials, but always pursued grace, fleshly ease, and family peace. My viewpoint of pursuing was too absurd and too selfish and base. What meaning does it have for me to live a life this way? Is such a person as me not like an animal? O God, I am willing to drop my wrong pursuit and give up my old way of believing. May you correct my viewpoint of believing in you for receiving blessings so that, no matter whether I encounter good things or bad things in the future, I can view them from the side of the truth and be a person who truly believes in you.
Xiangcheng City, Henan Province