I Was Too Devoid of Sense
One day, the director of our second-line team phoned me and asked me how the gospel friend was getting on whom I preached to two days before. I said, “He got on well at first, but later he did not want to listen anymore.” “It’s not easy to gain a person. Today you must talk that person over. …” When I wanted to explain myself, however, he hung up. I got very angry: That’s easy for you to say. You only know to assign me tasks. In order to gain this person, I’ve run so many miles and done so much talking. I’ve done hard work if not good work. Why did you speak to me like that? When I was a director, I suffered a lot for preaching the gospel, running through wind and rain, and gained a lot of people for God’s family. How many people have you gained? What qualifications do you have to order me? The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, and my temper kept rising. Since then, every time the director phoned me, I answered him perfunctorily and did not take his words seriously at all. Even when I had problems, I did not tell him. Many a time he came to fellowship with me, but I always ignored him, thinking, “Don’t you try to lecture me. I was a director myself; you’re not senior enough to scold me. …” As I always lived in this state, I became more and more depressed in my spirit, and I never achieved any results in preaching the gospel.
One day, I ate and drank a passage of God’s word: “Why is your nature loathed by him? Why is your speaking hated by him? You boast about yourselves when you are a bit faithful, want a reward when you make some contribution, look down upon others when you are a bit obedient, and have no regard for God when you do some small work. … Don’t you feel that your sense has got to the point of being uncontrollable? With such sense, how can you be worthy to come into contact with God?” Every word of God struck my numb heart, and I thought back to my behavior. Was I like a believer in God? God’s family dismissed me from the post of second-line director simply because I, who thought I had achieved some results in preaching the gospel, put on the airs of a veteran and had no regard for anyone. Even now, I have had no change in my old nature. I thought that I, who had expended a little and done some small work, was a “meritorious worker” in God’s family and others should respect me, speak to me politely, and not be hard on me. Just because of a word the director said which was not to my liking, I became disobedient and discontented and slack in work, performing my duty in a perfunctory and slipshod way. I was really too inhuman and too devoid of sense! My doings were really too loathsome and hateful to God. It is God’s exceptional uplifting that I, a person worse than a maggot, can perform duty in God’s family today. However, I flaunted my seniority after having done a little cooperative work. I was really too shameless! O Almighty God, thank you that your exposing has made me gain a little knowledge of my disobedient inherent nature of being arrogant and self-conceited, and also made me realize that I was too devoid of sense to flaunt my seniority before you. If you had not exposed me, leaving my inherent nature running its course, eventually I would surely be punished by you like Paul. O God, I am willing to drop myself and make a fresh start. I will spend more time and effort on the truths concerning knowing myself, pursue the transformation of my nature, and be a person who has humanity and sense.
Xi’an City, Shaanxi Province