I Was Too Selfish
For more than one year since I believed in Almighty God, my husband supported my belief. Some time ago, a sister came to my home and said, “The new work arrangement came. It says that now we can preach God’s last gospel to the gentiles who believe there is a God and have a good humanity. Your husband is good in humanity. You may talk to him about this stage of God’s work to see if he believes it or not.” Orally I promised her I would, but inwardly I thought, “I can’t let him believe. If he too believes in God, our family will have no one to earn money. Then where can I get money for food, for the daily expenses and for our child’s schooling? Won’t I be restrained by money? Now he earns money to support our family and I believe in God easily. How nice this is!” But I was afraid that the sister would ask me about this matter again, so I casually said a few words about the gospel to my husband. He said, “I believe there is a God, but if I believe along with you, who will take care of our family’s living? You just do your best to believe. I support you. As long as I can benefit from your belief in the future, that’s enough.” His word was just to my liking, and then my conscience no longer felt uneasy about not preaching the gospel to him.
But after that, I always felt as if I had done something wicked and my heart was in a panic. I opened the book of God’s word, and I read these words: “Am I doing this matter with a heart of loving God? Do I have any personal intent in it? For what purpose am I actually doing it?” God’s word, like a heavy hammer, was knocking my heart. I felt very ashamed and saw that I was so contemptible and selfish. God has been saving man to the utmost, and he can’t bear to leave any person created with his own hands falling into hell. Now he requires us to preach the gospel to the gentiles. How much love of God for mankind and how many expectations of God for mankind are contained in that! However, in order to have fleshly ease and to have a happier family, I only cared about my receiving blessings but ignored God’s intention. I would rather let my husband be devoured by satan than tell him God’s eager intention for him to be saved. I was really too malicious and selfish! I had deeply grieved God’s heart by my doings, and I don’t deserve to live before God. O God, now I feel that I really should be accursed! I’m willing to give up my fleshly interests and, with a heart of loving you, bring to you more souls you want to save, with which to console your heart.
Xinxiang City, Henan Province