God’s word says: “Everyone has done some things that resist God and cheat God in his life of believing in God. … Unconsciously, you will offend God’s nature. Unconsciously, you will fall into darkness, lose the Holy Spirit, and lose the light.” Every time I read this passage of God’s words, I cannot help shedding tears of remorse, recalling the time when I cheated God and offended God’s nature and thus I fell into darkness and grieved to the extent of wishing to die….
Uplifted by God, I undertook the commission as a small-district leader and I also took over the work of safekeeping the books of God’s word in the district. However, I had no burden for this work all along. Although my leader fellowshipped with me many times reminding that I should pay attention to this work and not be negligent lest a loss be caused to God’s family, yet I always took it lightly and thought that nothing would happen to the books since they were kept indoors. One day, the sister who kept the books suddenly phoned me and said, “Something has happened to the books. Come over immediately to have a look.” I hung up and hurried to go there. After I arrived there, I saw that there was a lot of water in the place where the books were put. I froze with terror: How could this happen? I’ll be finished this time. What should I do? If I report this matter to those above truthfully, I will not only be dealt with, but perhaps I may be dismissed. If I do not report it, this is not a trifling matter…. I considered it over and over again. Suddenly, I had a brainwave: I’d better underreport the number of the wetted books! If this is discovered, I can say that I have not numbered them accurately or that I did not get an accurate number when I took over the work. Having made such a decision, I immediately took “remedial” measures. I distributed the wetted books to several long-time believers whose families all believed in God, and asked them to dry the books by fire or in the sun; and I told them that the books got wetted in a heavy rain during the transport. Unexpectedly, before I had this matter settled here, a phone call from another place said that the books there also got wetted. At that moment, I really collapsed, thinking: If those above know so many books have gotten wetted because I am irresponsible, I will definitely be expelled. This matter can never be reported to those above faithfully. So I hid the truth. I even considered myself clever, thinking: Those above me won’t know this matter if I do not say it; besides, only the sister of this family knows this matter of the books getting wetted. So, I secretly distributed these wetted books to the churches in exchange for the new ones that had just been given to them, and I told them repeatedly that the books had been wetted in a heavy rain.
However, God searches hearts and minds; no matter how I played tricks and practiced deception, what I did could never escape God’s eyes. Before long, God’s family knew the truth of the matter and then dismissed me home. At that time, I not only did not feel any regret for what I did, but I uttered complaints: “In order to perform my duty, I secretly ran away from home and have undergone many sufferings. I have done laborious service if not done meritorious service. How come God’s family does not have any consideration for me? …” From then on, I had been living in darkness. In the end, I really could not bear the days without the guidance of God. So, I cried out to God in tears: “O God, where are you? Now, my days are too dark and I am living in the sufferings of being empty and lost. I beg you not to leave me. May you guide me, so that I can know what to do to redeem my relationship with you….”
Not long after that, I met a sister. She said, “You were dismissed home only because you practiced deception. If at that time you had reported the situation truthfully and could know yourself, you would not have been dismissed home.” Hearing these words, I suddenly woke up and remembered these words of God: “You even dare to cheat me like this. How can I forgive you? How can I be patient with you any longer? I have bestowed everything to you and disclosed everything to you, supplying your needs and broadening your horizons, but you cheat me against your conscience like this.” Every word of God was striking my conscience. Only then did I begin to reproach myself and repent for my actions and behavior. I despised the requirements of God’s family too much and was remiss in God’s commission, and as a result, a great loss was caused to the property of God’s family. After I was exposed by God, I did not try to know myself or hate myself, but on the contrary, I covered up the truth, cheating those above and deluding those below. I actually did not know God’s almightiness and God’s nature that does not tolerate man’s offense, and even less did I have any fear of God. Even after I was dismissed home, I still did not know to examine myself, and I felt aggrieved because of this, living in complaints, misunderstandings, and passivity. How could such a state of mine not be loathed by God? Today I have been dismissed home and this is exactly God’s righteous nature coming upon me; and it is also God’s great salvation for me. Otherwise, I would have continued my deception and would finally commit monstrous sins and be punished by God. O God! In your judgment and chastisement, I have seen your holiness, which does not allow any filthiness to exist, and even more I have seen your righteous nature that does not tolerate man’s offense. At the same time, I have also realized that my nature is deceitfulness and resistance and that what I did has broken your heart. At this moment, I deeply feel that I do not deserve to come before you, much less have the face to beg for your forgiveness. I only wish you to chasten and discipline me severely and curse me severely, so that I can know myself and hate myself more deeply. O God! In the future, if you give me another chance to perform my duty, I will have a heart of fearing you, be an honest and well-behaved person, treat every requirement of your family seriously, and never again do anything to cheat you.
Lianyungang City, Jiangsu Province