Because of the need of the work, I was transferred to a new place to perform my duty. At that time, though there were many gospel clues there, the result of the gospel work was not good. Two months later, the work turned a little better, but did not make great progress. Faced with the various difficulties, I became somewhat passive. One day my leader phoned me and asked about the result of the gospel work. After I replied, the leader said that I had no burden and the result increased too slowly, and said how many people had been gained in X’s place…. Putting down the phone I had a thought, “There are so many problems here; I did not complain about this mess and ran around without a stop every day. Yet you should say I had no burden. You did not see how many difficulties I have. It is good enough that I have now achieved this result, yet you asked me to compete with someone else….” The more I thought, the more I felt the work was too difficult; the more I thought, the more I felt aggrieved. At the moment, I was aware that I had sunk into a wrong state. So I came before God to seek and pray, hoping that I could go out of the passive state by the word of God.
Under God’s guidance, I remembered these words of God: “If Peter failed to satisfy God’s heart in any way in his life, he would feel no peace, and if he failed to satisfy God’s heart, he would feel remorse and then find a proper way to try to satisfy God’s heart. He required himself to satisfy God’s heart even in the small matters in his life. He did not let go of any of his old nature and always strictly required himself to enter further in the truth.” God’s words caused my heart to get released, and I understood this: The reason why Peter could serve as God desired was that he pursued to satisfy God’s heart’s desire in everything in his life, and if he failed to satisfy God’s heart’s desire in any way, he would feel remorse and feel no peace and then find a proper way to strive to satisfy God’s heart. The reason why he could be perfected by God was that he pursued to be transformed and did not let go of any of his old nature and strictly required himself to enter deeper in the truth. The reason why he could succeed was that all his intents and practices were most after God’s heart. But in the circumstances God arranged for me, facing the difficulties I became passive and weak and did not know to seek God’s intention, much less ponder what to do to satisfy God. When the leader criticized me for having no burden, I was even unconvinced and resisted, crying out for justice for myself. I wanted to have Peter’s success but did not want to suffer Peter’s suffering or walk Peter’s way. I looked forward to being perfected by God but did not enter deeper in the truth. I extravagantly desired to be approved by God but did not require myself to satisfy God in everything. I wanted to gain the transformation of my nature but did not pursue to know myself and did not seek to resolve my difficulties and the hindrances to my life entering in. When my work produced no good results, I did not feel uneasy. When I failed to meet God’s requirements, I did not feel remorse, but on the contrary, I made excuses and reasoned for myself and was content with the present situation. I even felt distressed because the “sufferings” I had undergone were not understood by others, and felt vexed because my work was not recognized by others. As I gave in to myself like this, how could I do the work well? As I did not strive to make progress, how could I satisfy God?
Examining myself against Peter, I felt inferior and ashamed of myself. At the moment, I could not but fall down before God and tell God of my heart: “O Almighty God, thank you for your exposing, which has made me realize my greatest difficulty in pursuing the truth—reluctance to suffer and pay the price to satisfy you. Thank you for the inspiration of your words, which has showed me the way to go on. In future, I will imitate Peter, strictly require myself to satisfy your heart’s desire in everything, break the hindrance to my life entering in, and pursue to enter deeper in the truth, so as to be perfected and gained by you.
Jinan City, Shandong Province