“I express so many corruptions before you and you loathe me extremely
I do not know what the truth and the life are yet I am pleased with myself
I only know some doctrines equip myself with some letters but gain no transformation of my nature
I have done a lot of ridiculous things
I am selfish and base and do not know to care for you bringing you so many sorrows…
I am a person who does not practice the truth”
Whenever I sing this hymn, I always shed floods of tears, reproaching myself and repenting in the depth of my heart.
In the past, I always thought that I was a person with a good humanity: a good daughter to my parents, a good sister to my younger brothers and sisters, a good wife to my husband, a good mother to my son, and a good neighbor to the neighboring families. Later, in the word of God I read these words: “Maybe you have never sworn at anyone or done a bad thing over the years of your believing in God, but when you come into contact with Christ, you cannot speak honest words, cannot do honest things, and cannot obey the words from Christ’s mouth. Then I say that you are the most sinister and diabolic person in the world. You are very friendly and faithful to your relatives and friends, your wife (husband) and children, and your parents, and you never take advantage of anyone, but you cannot be compatible with Christ or live in harmony with Christ. Then even if you give your all to help your neighbors or you take care of your parents and family carefully, I say that you are still a wicked man, a wicked man who is full of wiles. Do not think that when you are compatible with man, you are compatible with Christ. Do not think that when you do some good things, you are compatible with Christ. Do you think that you can steal the blessings of Heaven by your goodness? Do you think that when you do some good things, it replaces your obedience?” The disclosing of God’s words made me realize that having only these things cannot represent a good humanity. However, I had never checked myself against those words; I always thought that the words were directed at those who had poor humanity and I was not among them. So, I applied to myself God’s words of blessing man, words of promising man, and words of perfecting man, and even the adoption as a firstborn son, very pleased with myself all day long. Later, through God’s exposing, I came to realize that my humanity was not good at all.
I remember that in October 1999, God’s family assigned me to some other place to perform my duty, and so I, full of confidence, came to a new host home. The auntie of this host home was very zealous and also very seeking. Every time I came back from visiting the church, she always pestered me either to eat and drink God’s word with her, or to learn to sing hymns with her, or to fellowship with her. I, who always liked quiet and was of a reserved disposition, was really somewhat unaccustomed to that. I kept complaining within: Why don’t you understand me? After going around the church, I am empty within. I come to your home with the intention of quieting down to eat and drink some words of God to fill myself, but you always give me trouble. I’ll simply shut the door and eat and drink God’s word myself. Later, the auntie had a prejudice against me and sometimes she spoke harshly to me. But I didn’t realize that this was caused by me; on the contrary, I thought the auntie was not good in humanity. Once, the leader from above came to have a meeting with us. I then reported this situation to him and asked him to fellowship with the auntie indirectly, to find out for what she had a prejudice against me. In his fellowship, however, the leader took advantage of the matter to point out my state. Although he did not rebuke me directly, I could hear that he was saying my humanity was poor. “I’m poor in humanity?” This word was really strange and harsh to me. At that time I outwardly accepted it, but in my heart I did not think so.
Later, God’s family assigned me to perform another duty, and I needed to coordinate with a sister for a long time. In the beginning, we got along fairly well, fellowshipping with each other and respecting each other. But after a period of association, I found that we two were incompatible both in character and in viewpoint of seeing things, and we had prejudices against each other. At first, I could be patient. When the leader asked if we could coordinate, outwardly I had a good knowledge, saying that since God had arranged for us to be together, it must be what we each needed and there must be lessons we should learn, and that through the arrangement of people that did not fit our notion, we could know our disobedience and corruption…. Gradually, however, I couldn’t bear to hear her speaking. Whenever she spoke, I spoke in opposition to her and my words always had a strong smell of gunpowder. Later, we got into a situation where we quarreled because of disagreeing with a single word. At that time, we were really crossing verbal swords; neither of us made concessions. The dissatisfaction and resentment that had been pent up in my heart for many days burst forth all at once. At that moment, I entirely forgot about the necessary understanding and forbearance between brothers and sisters that are required by God, let alone love the other. In this way, my satanic self was exposed.
Thank God for arranging the circumstances around me to expose my deficiency in humanity. It has also made me know that a good person or a bad person isn’t judged from the worldly viewpoint, much less from his outward behavior, but according to God’s word as the standard. God’s exposing has made me realize that I am not a person who lives on the word of God, much less a person who imitates what Christ is. Christ is holy and is the glorious God Godself. To save mankind, she comes to earth to work, being misunderstood, slandered, resisted, and blasphemed by men, but she never squares accounts with men, never argues with men, and never treats men according to their transgressions. She silently endures being tortured, bullied, and oppressed by men, and never fights back. However, I, a person extremely filthy without any merit, always wanted others to respect me and regard me highly. And when others offended me, I took it to heart and displayed my devilish nature. By comparison, I saw more clearly that I was narrow-minded, selfish, and contemptible. I not only was not a good person, but was a person with a malicious heart and without any humanity. Through the practical experience, I have seen God’s loveliness and realized that God’s chastisement, judgment, exposing, and discipline are the best gifts God bestows upon me, and even more, the greatest salvation to me, and the truest and most sincere love to me. How can I not offer up my heartfelt thanks and praise?
Fuyang City, Anhui Province