In the several years of following God, I always blew hot and cold and could not maintain a normal relationship with God. If someone fellowshipped with me, my state would turn a little better; if no one fellowshipped with me, my state would go downhill, and I seemed to have nothing to do with God. Over time I became reluctant to pray and always felt that prayer was unnecessary. Sometimes I learned to sing hymns for a while and read God’s word for a while. Sometimes I didn’t have any spiritual devotions even for a week. Gradually, my relationship with God became more and more abnormal. When I had a little time, I always thought about my personal matters, always liked to associate with the gentiles, and always craved ease. When I saw that others had money to spend and had their houses well furnished, I envied them. I had these things in my heart all day long and had no burden for my life entering in.
Sometimes I felt very distressed: I wanted to rise up but had no strength; I wanted to do my best to love God but could not love. I also felt rebuked in my heart: Will I continue to be passive like this? Will God’s many years of painstaking care and price on me be wasted like this? Is there nothing worthy of my attachment between God and me? Thus, I thought a lot, but just couldn’t think up a way.
Once, I unconsciously opened the book of God’s word and read these words: “If your spiritual living is abnormal, you cannot see through the work God is doing now, always feeling that it doesn’t fit your notions in the slightest. You are willing to follow, but just have no strength in your heart.” “All the words taught by the Holy Spirit you should listen to. Do not listen without keeping anything. Many times, you heard my words and then forgot. Careless man! How many blessings you have lost! Now, listen to my words carefully and attentively, and fellowship with me and draw near to me more often. What you do not understand, I will teach you, and I will lead you forward. Do not focus on fellowshipping much with people. Now, there are too many people who speak letters and doctrines….” Thank God that his words pointed out to me the cause of my disease and showed me the way of practice. God’s intention was to let me cooperate with God actively and initiatively, look for ways in God’s word, and seek God, instead of only relying on the fellowship of man.
From then on, I began to practice according to God’s requirements. I made a rule for myself: Every day I must learn to sing a hymn, read God’s word for half an hour, and pray three times. In the first two to three days, I didn’t gain anything. I couldn’t learn to sing a hymn, and felt bored with reading the word of God. My spirit was always disturbed by external matters, and I could not quiet my heart. And I was also worried: If things continue like this, how long will it take to recover my normal relationship with God? At that time, God’s words rang in my ears: “Perhaps in this period of your spiritual living you are not slack, but you have not received many things or gained much. Just in such a situation, you have to keep it even as a regulation. In order to suffer no loss in your life and to satisfy God’s heart’s desire, you must keep this regulation.” Then I strengthened my confidence again. Through prayer, I kept exercising so for a week. Gradually, some results were achieved, and I had a burden for my life entering in. Afterward I kept doing so every day; little by little I came out of the passive state at last. Although sometimes I still had some wrong thoughts, I could rebel against them through learning to sing hymns, praying, and reading the word of God.
Thank God. If it had not been for the guidance of God’s words, I don’t know to what point my state would have gone downhill; maybe I would have long since left God and returned to the dazzling world. If it had not been for the inspiration of God’s words, I would never have known that my passive state was caused because I lost my spiritual living and had no God’s word as my support, and even less would I have realized that spiritual living is so important. Not until now have I truly experienced that God’s word is a specific medicine and is a guide to my life. May God’s word accompany me all the time and never leave me.