In My Experience I Got to Know My Nature: Betrayal
God says: “Now, you all endure all kinds of sufferings in performing your duty. But one undeniable fact is: Every one of you may rebel against me and return under satan’s authority….” When I read this word, I was very unconvinced of it, thinking that God did not know me and that I was not that kind of person. Inwardly I argued with God, “If I were to betray you, I wouldn’t have believed in you. Now that I have accepted you, I will follow you to the end. God, you just rest assured. I won’t betray you even in my ideas and thoughts.”
Just when I was in a complacent state, God arranged circumstances for me. My family began to show antipathy to my constantly going out for meetings, and I thus often received their angry look. In frustration, my heart gradually lost happiness. Once, when I came back from a meeting I saw that my mother was very angry, and I was so scared that I hurriedly picked up a basin of pigswill and went to feed the pigs. As I walked, I muttered in my heart, “If I didn’t believe in God and attend meetings, I would never do such a dirty work!” The pigs gobbled the food competitively and spattered the pigswill all over me. I really felt angry and wronged, unconsciously tears flowed down. At that time, my heart began to complain against God, and I really wanted to shout out, “God, it’s you who have brought me this trouble and caused me to suffer such torment. If I didn’t believe in you, my mum would not have had the heart to let me do this dirty work!” I thought to myself, “I’ll give up my belief. And I simply won’t go to attend any meetings from now on.” Just then, God’s words rang in my ears: “Every one of you may rebel against me and return under satan’s authority….” God’s words made me wake up suddenly. How terrible it is that I intended to escape God’s manipulation! Isn’t this betraying God? I never expected that just having met such a small setback, I would want to leave God. Only then did I find I was so worthless that I was unwilling to suffer a little for God. The more I thought about it, the more I felt indebted to God. This matter caused me to have a little knowledge of my nature of betrayal.
Afterward I thought about that matter, and my heart was unconvinced. I always felt that the matter came too abruptly and I didn’t have mental preparation for it; I had the thought to betray God just because I was temporarily in a bad mood. Besides, I merely had the idea but did not do anything to betray God. I thought, “Through this matter I have the mental preparation, and whatever I encounter in future I will not betray God.”
Half a year passed imperceptibly. God’s family removed me from the position of a group leader. I, though already prepared for that, not only failed to keep from betraying God, but I behaved worse than the first time. At that time I thought, “Since I was dismissed, I won’t believe anymore. And from now on, I won’t attend the meetings.” I had a strong counter-emotion within. I didn’t want to speak and only wished to go home immediately. After I was back home, I neither read God’s word nor sang hymns. I felt that it was really a free life. When the meeting time came, I really did not go to attend it. However, it was really not easy to pass the days without reading God’s word or singing hymns or attending meetings. Although my flesh was free and had enjoyment, my spirit sank and my heart was doubly tormented. At that time, God’s words rang in my ears again: “Every one of you may rebel against me and return under satan’s authority….” This time, I not only had the thought of betraying God, but I even stopped reading God’s word and attending meetings. Wasn’t this betraying God? Thinking of this, I couldn’t help shedding tears of indebtedness and remorse. And I came to realize this: When God let me go smoothly in every moment and in everything, I was happy, cheerful, and joyful, and also felt God was very lovely; but when God let me suffer, I then turned against God and resisted God, threatening God by giving up my belief. Owing to the work God did on me and being exposed by God, I was utterly convinced of God’s words.
Through these two matters, I have grown much more experienced and I no longer dare to say the ignorant and arrogant words. I have also realized that betrayal is man’s nature and not a matter that man can settle by his readiness for it. From now on, I will always warn myself with God’s words “Every one of you may rebel against me and return under satan’s authority,” to make the element of my betrayal less and less in my experiences.
Weifang City, Shandong Province